Your changing role

What older adults say they want from their children is autonomy (the ability to still make their own decisions) and connection. They appreciate the loving intention behind gestures of assistance, but they often feel ambivalent about receiving that help. And they frequently express annoyance at "helicopter kids" who seem overprotective or actually take over and make decisions for them.

Of course it's a delicate balance.

Many people caring for an aging parent comment that it feels like a "role reversal."?They have become the parent and their parent is the child. There certainly may be similarities in terms of your parent's dependence upon you.

You are likely to run into problems, however, if you try to assume a parental role.?Even persons with severe memory loss remember years of independence. They do not respond well to being shut out of decisions or told what to do. Like any adult, they want to be respected.

It can be frustrating to see your family member denying problems, making poor choices, and resisting your help. And sometimes your parent's decisions affect your life. However, unless your loved one has dementia and is truly incompetent to understand the consequences of decisions, it IS their right to make those decisions—including bad ones!

Learning to collaborate

Caring for an aging parent becomes something of a dance. Sometimes you walk together arm in arm. Sometimes you take the lead. Sometimes you follow. You need to be responsive in the moment.

Working as a team In this article, we offer tips designed to help you work as a team with your parent and evolve together in the eldercare journey. You will always, first and foremost, be their child. For better or worse, along the way you may find yourself taking on other roles as well. The key is to recognize what you can realistically do and when it's time to call in others to help.

In the case of dementia Memory loss presents especially painful and difficult situations. Many conditions cause changes in memory. Alzheimer's, vascular dementia (also called "stroke dementia"), and Parkinson's are the most common. "Dementia" is a term used to refer to these types of conditions.

• It may not be possible to include them in decisions.?The best way to help your loved one is to work together as a team. But in the case of dementia, your parent may get to a point where this is not possible. Most forms of dementia get worse over time. At some point your parent will likely cross a threshold where they are no longer capable of logical thinking. They will lose the ability to make rational decisions. As much as you reasonably can, however, try to keep your parent involved in decisions.?
• If your family member is in the early stages of dementia, now is the time for advance planning.?It is important that they choose proxy decision makers. One will be needed for finances and one for healthcare. While your parent still has clear thinking, they should also prepare instructions about healthcare preferences, known as an advance directive.?

Want to learn more about your changing role?

Contact the experts in aging:

LionHeart Eldercare & Consulting 703-677-8319