Are your boundaries fit for purpose?

Have you ever been in a situation where somebody has done or said something you find hurtful, and yet you don't say or do anything? Maybe you hope that the facial expression you're wearing with such style gives them the necessary signal that something's up.

Here's the reality. People often won't notice or will choose not to notice, especially if they're intent on manipulating you.

What you need are personal boundaries that are up to the task at hand.

So, I'm not talking about physical boundaries like the rather ramshackle fence in the picture, but I do believe we need to treat personal boundaries in much the same way.

One of my favourite quotes about this topic is from Tony Gaskins, who said

"We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop and what we reinforce".

So, our personal boundaries are the frameworks that protect us.

We get to decide what kind of boundaries they are, where they are, and how we uphold them.

The main reason we need to treat them like physical boundaries is that ...

People aren't mind-readers.

I can't get upset if someone crosses a boundary that they didn't know existed. Now you might say "But anyone would know that behaviour is unacceptable - it's common decency". Common decency, like common sense, is not always common practice. And, all the while people are taught to treat people the way you'd like to be treated, rather than how they want to be treated, we're leaving ourselves open to boundary violations all over the place. Your boundaries are not mine and mine are not yours.

So, I need to communicate where my boundaries are in the first place.

But let's go back a step or two because we need to establish where our boundaries are in the first place.

Step one. What boundaries do you need to put in place in order to feel safe?

? These might be about our thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs - in other words, our intellect. For example, I have a boundary that I don't talk about politics or religion with my clients.

?? You might need a physical space boundary - I know I do. I will let people know when they are too close rather than suffer silently.

?? I also need a social boundary which I use to protect my precious recharging time. There's only so much socialising I'm prepared to do, and those I socialise with know this oh so well. They're used to me being honest about when I've had enough or why I decline invitations.

For each boundary you need to determine your limits, or where the boundary is. And, it may be in different places for different people. That is our right.

Step two. Decide on your type of boundary. This is where my physical boundary analogy comes back in.

?? Is it an impenetrable steel wall that makes you unreachable? These can be useful in some situations, but even we introverts need human connection, so use it wisely.

?? Or will it be more of a picket-type fence that you can talk over and move more easily when needed? This means you're more accessible, which is what many leaders need to be.

The main thing to remember is that the type of boundary is your choice.

I can't establish who originally said this, as many have quoted it, but the sentiment is spot on.

“The only people who get angry when you set a boundary are those who benefitted from you not having one.”

And I'll add to that, those who try to tell you where your boundary should be. You decide that, no one else!

Step three. Time for regular maintenance. Having installed your boundary and communicated it, we need to check if it's still in the right place, communicated and defended well. If we don't keep our boundaries in good condition, they might rot, fall or get trampled.

So for me, the maintenance part here requires me to check in with myself.

? Are those things still the things that were important when I put that boundary in place? It's quite possible that I need a boundary of a certain strength at some stage in my life, that decreases in importance as situations or circumstances change.

? What kind of state was I in when I put that boundary in place? Is my 'fence' still in the right place for now? How might I need to communicate a change in boundary?

? How do I adequately assert or defend my boundaries? If I have a 'picket fence' type of boundary, people can see where the boundary is so will know when they're pushing their luck. And, of course I'll tell them firmly but kindly. Part of the problem with assumed or implied boundaries, is that I know what and where they are, but I haven't communicated about them.

So during this season of festive madness, I encourage you to symbolically 'walk your estate' to check that your boundaries are fit for purpose, in good repair, in the right place and communicated openly. They could be just the thing to save your sanity over the next few weeks.

#flourishingintroverts #personalboundaries #selfmanagement #wellbeing