Is your boss truly a narcissist?

Is your boss truly a narcissist? If you believe everything you read and every post on social media these days, then you’re likely to think that your boss is, indeed, a narcissist.?

I ran into someone recently who on the surface might have qualified for a social media diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I wish I had caught it on video.?

Imagine it: A car rental place, complete with dingy carpet and fluorescent lighting. The line wasn’t terrible, but even so, a man pushed his way forward, shouting, “I reserved Bentley! Where’s my Bentley!?” We were in Costa Rica, where only an estimated 4.5% of roads are in good condition, and even the toughest 4x4 will take a beating. As if sensing that asking him to step back into line would be more trouble than it was worth, he was helped immediately. I didn’t stick around long enough to see if he actually got his Bentley, but I’m guessing that if he didn’t, there was hell to pay.?

Rude, yes. Narcissist? Not so fast. . .?

Are we surrounded by narcissists?

Every time someone displays rude or self-centered behavior, it doesn’t mean they’re narcissistic. In fact, it’s actually quite unlikely. According to a 2022 study , only 1-2% of the general population has narcissistic personality disorder.?

Narcissists are characterized by self-preoccupation, a need for admiration, and insensitivity to others. In other words, they feel special and entitled, and while they might be able to understand empathy on an intellectual level, they don’t generally feel it. They also might have a very fragile sense of self-worth underneath their preoccupation with themselves.?

According to Psychiatry.org , “While many people may have traits that might be considered narcissistic, that is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder. Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder.”

There’s a lot more to be said about the disorder itself and the nuances of who should and should not be diagnosed with it. For the purposes of this article, we’ll leave the summary of it here.?

Why you are labeling your boss a narcissist?

The question becomes, why do we feel compelled to give labels to people??

The purpose of a psychiatric diagnosis is to better understand what’s happening, and to be able to (potentially) treat the disorder. I say potentially because personality disorders are seen by the therapeutic community as inflexible and very difficult, if not impossible, to treat.?

For you, the layperson, (and not your boss’s therapist,) to “diagnose” your boss with a disorder he or she may or may not have, serves different purposes:

Why you label your boss a narcissist

There’s no doubt your boss is behaving badly, but there are reasons that you (and the entire internet) is obsessed with the label “narcissist” right now.

They are to:

1. Understand their behavior,?

2. Make it about them and not you,

3. Have a clear description.?

Let’s examine these motivations.?

Understanding your boss’s behavior

What the heck is going on here?! OH, my boss is a narcissist. That explains it. Everyone can go back to work now.?

Our minds truly can’t settle down when there’s a mystery in our midst. In fact, studies show that not knowing is worse for us than pain .?

When someone exhibits inexplicable and unpredictable behavior, our minds rush to explain. Having an explanation can help us create some predictability where there is none. You might ask yourself, “What is my boss going to do next?” But you really can’t predict it. But when you can categorize your boss as a narcissist, it might become easier to predict the kind of behavior he or she could exhibit. Answering the question of what might happen gives us the needed predictability that will calm our anxiety, (at least a little.)?

Make it about them, not you

When your boss is acting like a complete jerk, labeling them a narcissist helps you to put the blame for their behavior where it belongs – on them. No one deserves to be treated the way your boss treats you, and having an explanation for why they would treat people that way feels better than having none.?

Honestly, the severity and degree of jerkiness you’ve seen your boss exhibit does seem to approach clinical levels. It’s above and beyond being cranky or even being a jerk. There does seem to be something entirely different about how they are used to interacting with people. But is it narcissism? It’s hard to know.?

But with a label, it feels easier to separate yourself from the behavior and not take on the blame, which in many cases is likely a healthy boundary.?

A clear description

Being able to describe the severity of your boss’s behavior might require superlatives. Quite a few of them. And one of those might be the word “narcissist.” It’s taken on a meaning that we all seem to understand and agree on, even if the people labeled with it aren’t necessarily true narcissists in the clinical meaning of the word. Yet, after work, when you’re talking to your spouse or friends, they get what you mean when you tell them that you’re working for a narcissist. It’s shorthand for someone with disregard for other people’s feelings who has no qualms about treating others poorly.?

You might illustrate your point with stories about your work day so you can show them just how truly narcissistic your boss really is, but without a label – whether it’s a true clinical depiction or not – it can be hard for you and the other person to make sense of what is going on (see motivation one.)

Does it matter if your boss is or isn’t a narcissist??

Maybe.?

Using the term is a kind of shorthand for all of us as well as a psychological safety valve.?

However, your expectations of the other person may change depending on whether they are truly a narcissist or not. A true narcissist may be unable to change their behavior, while someone who doesn’t carry the diagnosis has a greater ability for improvement.?

Still, it’s your choice whether you want to stick around long enough to see if they’re willing to work on themselves or if they’re just going to bulldoze their way through life. If they choose the latter, you may prefer to get out of the way.?

I'm Jess Sweet, therapist and career coach.

Whether you're struggling with stress, burnout, a difficult boss, or something else that's getting in the way of your happiness at work, I can help.

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