Is Your Boss A True Bully? How To Tell And What To Do About It

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "Supporting Today's Workforce"

If you’ve ever been bullied by a boss or colleague, you know that the psychological and emotional damage is real and often extremely challenging to overcome. Among the thousands of professionals I’ve worked with over my 35-year career, many have been bullied and were deeply confused as to what to do about it. And their careers (and well-being) took a serious turn for the worse because of it. I've been bullied more than once by a manager or "leader," and the experiences were devastating.

In a 2017 research study from the Workplace Bullying Institute, nearly one fifth of all American workers reported bullying in the workplace and another 19% witnessed it.

Other powerful findings from the 2017 study:

- 60 million Americans are affected by it

 - 70% of perpetrators are men; 60% of targets are women

- Hispanics are the most frequently bullied race

- 61% of bullies are bosses, the majority (63%) operate alone

- 40% of bullied targets are believed to suffer adverse health effects

- 29% of targets remain silent about their experiences

- 71% of employer reactions are harmful to targets

- 60% of coworker reactions are harmful to targets

- To stop it, 65% of targets lose their original jobs

- 77% of Americans support enacting a new law

- 45% report worsening of work relationships, post-Trump election

To explore this situation in greater depth and to learn actionable strategies to overcome workplace bullying, I was excited to catch up with Tracey C. Jones, President of Tremendous Leadership, and former Air Force Major and Gulf War Veteran. Tracey has spent 10 years in the corporate boardrooms of The National Geospatial Intelligence Agency (where she had top-secret security clearance), Northrop Grumman, a global defense firm, and Applied Materials, a Fortune 500 company. A graduate of the New Mexico Military Institute and The Air Force Academy, Tracey oversees her firm’s professional development initiatives, advising Fortune 500s, government agencies, and universities on issues of leadership, ethics, and employee engagement. Tracey is the co-author of the career advice book, A Message To Millennials.

Here’s Tracey’s take on workplace bullying:

Kathy Caprino: When does the behavior of a ‘tough’ boss cross the line into bullying? What’s the difference?

Tracey C. Jones: The tough boss gives constructive criticism; the bullying boss gives destructive criticism. It all centers on the motives of your boss; are they there to intimidate or to inspire?

A tough boss will insist that you work hard and give your best effort and submit high-quality work all the time. They will also insist you abide by workplace norms such as dress code and other organizational policies. Their goal is to speak the truth in love so that you can be the best version of yourself. They also expect a healthy level of self-discipline, self-awareness, and self-restraint on the part of the individual. They desire exemplary followers who not only meet but exceed the standards.

On the other hand, an abusive or bullying boss deliberately provides you with false or misleading information, humiliates you in public, calls you demeaning names, puts the blame on you and treats you like a servant.

They will steal your good ideas and attempt to "get you" if you don't comply with their demands. They are prone to public displays of anger and attack the person on a personal level rather than criticizing their work. They insist on passive followers who pledge blind allegiance.

Caprino: In your view, what are the best first steps to take when one is on the receiving end of abusive treatment?

Jones: Once you assess the degree of dysfunction, realize no amount of your talent is going to make things better. In fact, sometimes it even makes it worse. The two questions you need to ask are first, “Does the behavior impede you from doing your job i.e. is it an annoyance or a blockage?” And second, “Does it affect you physically or psychologically?”

Some individuals are adept at leaving all the nonsense at work when they leave the parking lot; others take it to a much deeper level.

Another consideration is how much time you spend directly interacting with this boss. Are they geographically separated from you? Are you a dotted line versus a direct report? And do you think this boss will eventually become secure in their leadership role and grow out of this juvenile behavior? Much of bullying is rooted in insecurity.

Do you think your boss has the potential to grow up and change?

You also have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. I’ve heard it said, “Whatever you sell, make sure it’s not your soul.” I am aware we all have obligations to attend to, but be true to yourself and do not compromise your health or standards for the sake of a paycheck, no matter how prestigious the company or how exciting the product.

Caprino: Is there a point when it’s better to cut your losses and leave the company?

Jones: If you have exhausted your chain of command, both internally and through HR, and gotten no proper response, it is time to cut your losses* and leave the company. Please remember that this is not a reflection on you personally. This type of dysfunction was always there, and will be there long after you leave; it’s just that you didn’t see it. They say nice guys finish last, but that’s because we’re not running the rat race. After all, who wants to compete with a rat? As the adage goes, "I'd rather eat crumbs with bums, than steaks with snakes."

My personal experience is that these companies do eventually implode publicly or dissolve through a merger or acquisition. The question is, can you wait around and stay healthy until that occurs? It's all up to your tolerance level for dysfunction and how much it directly affects you.

The final decision you have to be at peace with is, do I fight, do I flee, or do I adapt? Once you leave the organization, you'll have to assess if you should file for legal recourse. If you leave, just understand no entity is perfect and the odds of this happening again unfortunately, are high. If you feel you can adapt by getting reassigned away from the bully or finding a way to keep your health, spirits, and productivity high, then stay. The only issue with the last option is that it speaks volumes to the lack of leadership at the top to allow a bullying boss safe harbor in their position of authority.

Caprino: If you leave the job because of a bully, how do you explain that on a job interview?

Jones: Explain, in particular, what adversely impacted your work performance. For instance, I once left a hostile, condescending, micromanager. My response to my new employer was that I left my previous job because I work best under a leader who gives me the opportunity to assume increasing roles of responsibility and is transparent and collaborative in their communication.

Unless you are swapping jobs every six months, it is acceptable to see a new job, even with a new company in a new industry every three years on a resume. I’ve been doing that for decades. It was never an issue showing my potential employer I had stayed long enough to make an impact and to become fully immersed. If you leave before you give the organization a chance to right itself, you might be punching out too early.

One word of caution: I would recommend not naming names, even when pressed. It's a small world, and you do not want to sound unprofessional or disparaging. Plus, your potential employer does not know you enough to comprehend the full context you are laying out. You might come off as being an employee who is “unleadable” or does not take criticism well. Unless there’s a need to know, the less said in this instance, the better.

Caprino: What can we do to lessen our chances of being bullied in our work?

Jones: Here are a few recommendations:

Know what you want in a leader

Before you sign that offer letter, know what type of follower you are, and that will point you to the type of leader who can best develop your current skill set and uncover hidden talents. Also, take as many personality profiles as you can to increase your self-awareness. Also check out the organization on social media (theirs and via Google), Glassdoor.com and LinkedIn.

(For more on how to decide if your leader is someone to follow, check out Kathy's Forbes piece 10 Questions To Help You Know If Your Leader or Manager Is Someone You Should Be Supporting.)

Study the culture

Once hired, become fully versed in your company's policies regarding workplace bullying. Please use your chain of command for any and all issues and also keep memorandums for record to ensure you record facts and exchanges promptly.

Get empowering mentorship support

Seek out the support of a few choice coworkers who can function as a mentoring group. You can share things with them best shared beyond earshot of the water cooler or cubicle walls. Find mentors who will tell you what you need to hear and not just what you want to hear. And then develop an action plan to heed their advice.

Remember your peers

And don’t forget your peers. When I was a young officer in the Air Force, we formed a humorous protective society titled the Lieutenant Protection Alliance or LPA. It was tremendous fun, but we sure had each other's backs. After all, everybody needs a wingman, or they’ll crash and burn. As Warren Bennis said, “None of us is as smart as all of us.”

There is one thing the bully boss is good for: Teaching you how not to behave when you step into the leadership role. The tough boss will “break you down” to build you up; the bully boss will “break you down” to see you crumble. And nobody wants to work for a crummy boss.

For more information, visit Tremendous Leadership and her book A Message to Millennials.

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*Note: I agree with Tracey's recommendations wholeheartedly and would add that before you leave the organization, considering seeking legal counsel for an independent and expert review of the situation and legal advice. Leaving too soon and/or without legal representation could mean that you're leaving money on the table. In a powerful Forbes interview I conducted with former federal prosecutor Tom Spiggle on the issue of sexual harassment (which is defined differently from "bullying" but falls under the umbrella of mistreatment at work), we explored What To Do If You've Been Sexually Harassed In the Workplace, he recommends this:

Women facing harassment at work or being fired because of it need to consult with a lawyer knowledgeable about sexual harassment cases who represents employees, not employers. A divorce lawyer or personal injury attorney is not going to cut it. An Internet search for a "discrimination lawyer" "wrongful termination" lawyer will produce results. An excellent source for finding lawyers nationwide is through the National Employment Lawyers Association, which you can find online at www.nela.org. All lawyers on this site are dedicated to helping employees. Other websites that can be helpful resources include www.avvo.com and www.nolo.com.

He continues:

The most important information to know is that you need not gear up for a year-long court battle to stand up for yourself. Education and guidance from a good lawyer can go a long way towards putting you back in control.

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To finally take the reins on your career and get out from under a bully at work, read Kathy Caprino's new book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss, and work with Kathy in the Fall session of her Amazing Career Project 16-week onine course.