Your Authentic Self

by Julia Prybyla, Director of HR

Authenticity is a topic that is quite popular in the workplace, especially as it relates to bringing your “whole self” to work. We’re told over and again: don’t be afraid of who you are, share your full story, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. While I believe that being authentic is important—and something I strive for daily—I am not certain being your “whole self” in the workplace is the best thing, at least as an absolute.?

So what does this “whole self” buzzword really mean? It seems that society is telling us our workplace is an empty coffee mug into which we should pour our whole selves. However, it plays out like a toddler with a gallon jug full of juice trying to fill up a thimble: everything goes everywhere, and it is messy. How does “whole self” tie into authenticity, you ask??

It is my belief your authentic self is different from your whole self. Your whole self is the whole kit and caboodle, tied up with a ribbon and presented to all of your coworkers, almost shoved in the face of everyone, saying, “HERE’S ALL OF ME! LOVE ME! ACCEPT ALL OF ME! APPROVE OF ME!”?

Your authentic self is a little different… it is being true to who you are, without insisting that those around you know everything about you, your history, life story, personal preferences, home life, etc. It allows you to be you, unapologetically at that.?

We spend the majority of our waking hours at work: interacting with our coworkers, clients, customers, etc. We might interact in person or via electronic methods or both. With people we know, people we don’t. When you are in a job or a company that is contrary to your core self, it creates conflict.?

I experienced this internal conflict at the first company I worked for out of college. Was I able to fit into the box they wanted me to be in? Absolutely. Was it productive and comfortable? Not all the time. It made zero sense to me with some of the hands-on responsibilities I had (counting dirty uniforms, packing and shipping, dealing with safety issues in a high performance manufacturing facility) that I was expected to wear skirt suits and pantyhose (ugh!). I was literally on the floor folding and counting and packing stuff and you want me to wear what????

One day, I was in the office while everyone was at lunch (or so I thought), and I turned a cartwheel in the middle of the office (must have been wearing slacks that day) only to come up and see that the vice president was sitting at his desk. The shocked look on his face was, well, priceless. My actions did not line up with the social expectations of the company's culture and expectations. But it did show up on my annual performance review ten months later (with an honorable mention saying I laughed too loudly). This discrepancy between the person I was at heart, my authentic self, was in great conflict with the person I had to pretend to be at work… eight-plus-hours-per-day, five-days-a-week. Cue the migraines, please.?

Throughout my career, I’ve worked at places that allowed for varying degrees of my authentic self. Being with SIS has allowed me a great deal of authenticity, and is truly one of the many reasons SIS has my loyalty. My teddy bear accompanies me on business trips, there are hockey pucks lined up in my office for the arenas I’ve visited, my hair usually has colored peek-a-boos in it, and flip flops are my footwear of choice, although I plotz around the office barefoot most summer days (and an uber-fancy annual awards dinner, much to the dismay of one of my amazing mentors).?

Author, speaker, and research professor at the University of Houston Dr. Brene Brown writes, “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s all about the choice to show up and be real. It’s the choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” In Dr. Brown’s TED Talk titled “The Power of Vulnerability,” she goes on to say that being vulnerable allows for connections between people. And having the courage to be authentic is what solidifies those connections: you have to be brave to be your true self.?

Author Mike Robbins tells a story of making a pitch to his CEO. He was nervous, stopped, and asked: “Can I stop trying to impress you and just be myself?” There was an awkward silence, some laughter, and he was able to move forward through the conversation as himself. The proposal was approved, because Mr. Robbins wasn’t pretending. It was also a pitch for his next book. In other words: stop trying to do something as someone else.?

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a Summit of Human Resources leaders in Silicon Valley. Two of our amazing presenters were Ebony Beckwith and Denise Young Smith. Ms. Beckwith is a speaker and former Chief of Staff to Salesforce's CEO. Ms. Young Smith is an author and Vice President of Worldwide Talent for Apple. Hearing them talk in person was certainly a treat.?

Ms. Beckwith talks about how empathy, kindness, and humility are often reserved for home but are essential in the workplace. We bring our messes and successes. And when you are authentic, you bring your best self to your work. It allows you to be present, to not worry about what social media is saying about you or how your selfies look. And when you are present, you connect: deeply and truly. Further, being authentic shows us how to be successful in all situations.

When each of us is authentic, we connect on that pure level. When you are not pretending, you can better serve, better lead, better perform, and better connect with those you work with. Being authentic holds space: not just for ourselves, but for others. It also grants grace. It may have been heard from me; “Know your audience.” That is only one side of the coin; we also have to “know the speaker.” If all of us are being our authentic selves, we do not (should not) have to guess who the other person is. All we have to do is accept them for who they are. Remember the messes and successes? As authentic people connecting on a human level, we are more likely to understand and forgive the mistakes of being human.?

Lead with your head and your heart, Ms. Young Smith encourages. She tells us to find that moment where it was magical for us, times that were powerful and compelling. By taking those instances and weaving them through our lives, we connect them. The power of those moments shows our purpose and allows us to impact others. This focus allows us to be our most authentic selves. And Ms. Young Smith stated, out loud, that it takes good judgment to know the difference between our “whole self” and being our authentic self. (I was cheering from the audience and thanked her afterward for saying it out loud.)

In my position, it is unprofessional, unacceptable, and I daresay, illegal for me to bring my “whole self” to work. My personal views on politics, religion, family, money, and the like are not appropriate to be shared with my subordinates, peers, and supervisors. Quite frankly, the details of my personal life do not belong at the office. Why do my political affiliations, religious beliefs, living situation, and who I sleep with make me a better (or worse) boss/coworker/subordinate? The answer is, it doesn’t. Home life and beliefs belong just there: at home.?

Let me be clear: work is not home. I may nod and smile when someone discusses their personal views, whether I agree with them or not. If appropriate, I will coach or redirect the conversation or put a stop to it entirely, as is my responsibility. But let’s be real: work is neither the time nor place to get into a discussion about all of those (potentially) controversial topics. I mean seriously, they cause problems in family conversations… Why would anyone think these conversations belong at work, or they would be less problematic??

Do not confuse “whole self” with being authentic and personal. I consider myself to be true to the person I am; I don’t lie about who I am. My (right ring) finger shows off my wedding ring, my cross is on my necklace, and during hockey season you’ll likely find me in a Ducks jersey. And I am neither asking nor expecting you to accept me or approve of me.?

Work is for work. Too many instances have come across my desk in my twenty-plus year HR career where someone was offended by the topic of conversation at work… anything from how to invest money, opinions on clean teeth, previous jobs with very graphic stories, how to raise children, the best birth control, who to vote for in the upcoming election, why education is or is not important, who is going to save you, and whether or not to be married. Oh, and don’t forget the work-as-a-dating-service issue (oftentimes turning into sexual harassment claims). Yeah, that’s the shortlist. Don’t get me started. The point is, there are parts of each of us that don’t belong in the workplace.?

I will continue to be my authentic, and thereby best, self at work: to better connect and be successful not only for myself, but for my team, my organization, and my profession. But I will not, repeat, will not, bring #mywholeself to the office. She’ll stay home.