Young men are part of the problem, they are also the solution.

Consent education is still dealing with the symptom of a deeper cultural issue. 

Having worked at the frontline exploring healthy masculinity with over 20,000 young men in schools around the country, I believe we urgently need to create a safe space for young men to enter this discussion. We are having a conversation about young men, instead of having it with them. 

The outpouring of sexual assault testimonials following Chanel Contos’ Instagram poll shocked and devastated us all. In trying to understand why this is happening, and ensure future generations of young women don’t continue to suffer, how many of us then opened a conversation with a young man, asking their perspective? 

Our team at The Man Cave lean in to awkward, uncomfortable and sometimes politically incorrect conversations. We hear the painful confusion in boys living by the masculine stereotype we have set for them, only to shame them for doing so.

In the past two weeks, through many articles condemning the behaviour and many more expressing shock and disgust, the lens through which we view sexual assault remains trained on the victim-perpetrator paradigm. 

Blaming the boys will not keep the girls safe. 

With their identity attacked, anger will be bottled, shame will gnaw. In silencing this inherited drive to conquer, we are amplifying it.

When we shut out young men as a part of the solution, young men themselves will shut off from the problem. 

Boys’ voices have been largely absent from the debate.

The upcoming meeting of private schools, alumni groups and members of the Human Rights Commission will continue to discuss the behaviour of boys without bringing their voices to the table. 

Had we turned to a young man in the past week, we may have heard the silent pressure they feel to project strength, to never be seen as emotionally vulnerable, to ‘man up’. We may understand entire worlds are built on boys one-up-ing each other with stories of the weekend as social capital in the school yard, playing out a culture of performed masculinity. We might also discover that often they are good people who have been conditioned, policed and validated by an outdated script of masculinity that has been handed down to them. 

Words create worlds. Language like toxic masculinity, #allmen, mansplaining, rape culture, slut-shaming, and cancel culture make it difficult for men to find an entry into a highly nuanced and emotionally charged conversation. So the question begs, how do we support someone who is made to feel ‘less than’, invisible, or toxic, to find it within themselves to empower positive action, take accountability and champion equality? Particularly if those elected into our highest office can’t do it, can we expect this of school boys?

If we are serious about evolving masculine culture, it begins with listening to and understanding the culture we are trying to change.

The solution lies in giving young men the safe space and opportunity to stop talking themselves up, and start talking themselves in. This is the only way to change the conversation and accelerate gender equality for all.

The Man Cave is a charity that works with tens of thousands of teenage boys. Find out more at www.themancave.life