Young girls are watching. Are you modelling the right behaviours?

Recognizing the significance of strong female role models in one’s life should be a regular habit. I don’t think any of us need to wait for an annual “International Women’s Day” to recognize them.

My first female role model, Heather Royal, passed away on August 2nd, 2023. I learned of her family’s loss while mine was away on vacation in Spain (as pictured above).

It's a little too late to tell Heather one last time what her mentorship meant to me. As part catharsis, since I missed the opportunity to say goodbye, I’m taking a moment to express the importance of female mentorship and how it can change a life - because ladies, I hope you too are changing a young girl's life today - for the better.

This salute is in honour of Heather and all the women like her: educating and inspiring young girls to become stronger women; teaching us to speak up - and be heard.

I love my mother dearly, but from a young age I spotted the difference between the results of her subservient behaviour and that of my best friend’s mother. - Heather. Unlike my mother, Heather commanded her surroundings with grace and kept the family order. She taught me, nay, consistently commanded me while in her presence, to:

• Stop wearing my hair over my face so she could see me when I spoke to her;
• Stop mumbling (!);
• Stop floundering, be decisive.

For my Mom, call it a trait imposed by the Silent Generation and the large family she grew up in (plus family order), she had subservience down to an art.

My mother came off as socially awkward in groups. She lacked self-confidence. Behind the scenes she looked highly at others yet down upon herself; struggled to be decisive; incapable of contemplating realistic "possible outcome" variables; and incapable of calculating risk or accepting failure, let alone calm her emotions in difficult situations enough to guide her responses (without some wild roller coaster of resentment towards others for forcing her to choose).

My mother lived reactively, afraid of making a poor decision, while Heather, I observed, existed on another plain.

From an impressionable pre-teen age, at the same time that I was learning from Heather in my friend's home, my mother’s behaviour was teaching me that:

• “Others” maintained the power, though you could try to impress those in power by appearing the part of "good-servant";
• Big decisions are outside your control (ergo “choice” was not yours to own, or own up to ??);
• If you behave in a pleasing way, you will be accepted.

Very little of the above actually served my mother well. I don’t doubt there are thousands more like her suffering today based on a lack of exposure to positive female (or male) role models. My mother missed out on receiving this gift in her lifetime. Thanks to Heather, I did not.

From childhood, girls are trained and groomed by their elders subconsciously on how to behave to succeed and survive. The methods and models vary and there are as many schools of thought as there are women who have experienced manipulation at the hands of those before them. To that end, my mother played the victim well.

Twice married, Heather was no victim. Heather thrived. She found a new partner and friend to build a second life with, volunteered on sports committees and hospital foundations, and at home she seemed to have it all figured out. Behind the scenes she was organized, tidy, and firm - so when I was able to make HER smile, that felt like a reward on its own (and perhaps partly due to the people-pleasing my mother had taught me.)

I intuited all of this as a 10-year-old, so I encourage you to think about the young people in your life today and how your words and deeds are influencing them already. Especially girls, given the history of power.

Finally, despite recognizing Heather’s wisdom in all of the above, I also recognize the ultimate life lesson in leadership was actually imparted by - my mother.?

At 9 and 10 respectively, Heather’s daughter (my childhood BFF) and I got up to no-good one day and thought it wise to use colourful markers to etch out every possible foul word we could think of. Both of us were extremely polite and quiet, introverts by nature. We gleefully squiggled out our word art, then tucked the paper away in her bedroom desk.

A couple of days later, my friend came to knock on my door with a somber look on her face, “I’m not allowed to play with you anymore.” She dropped this bomb, slowly turned, and walked away.

My heart was broken. Her mother thought I was a bad influence, but as I blubbered to my mother in tears, “But - it wasn’t all my fault”.

In her infinite wisdom of knowing how to ask for forgiveness and “turn the other cheek” in a disagreement, my mother advised me on what I should do next.

She said, “Whether or not it was a joint effort, if you value your friendship that much you should walk to her house and ask her mother for forgiveness, without laying blame.”

I chose to take her advice. Most of it. My heart pounding loudly in my head with a great fear of failure, I approached the door and knocked. Heather answered.

With my hair off my face and without mumbling, I looked up and expressed my remorse, “I am so sorry for writing that naughty sheet of swearwords with Katherine. Will you please let me stay her friend?”

Heather respected this approach. With little more than a stern look, and a tiny glimmer of hope in her beautiful blue eyes, she reminded me that if it ever happened again she would rescind her forgiveness.?

I remain forever grateful to the lessons taught by the women who led the most significant roles during my tween and early teen years, and who have influenced the person I am today.

No ONE mentor will be able to provide all of the wisdom girls need, which is why girls and young women need to hear from multiple mentors. If you remember that THEY ARE WATCHING YOU and learning from you at all times, through your actions I hope you have as much of an impact on someone learning how to model being a good human, the way Heather ?? & Mom did for me.

Thanks ladies,

Penny