You, Your Partner And The New Family

Many step?parents have already been married, so they know from personal experience what can lead to marriage breakdown and they don’t want to go through it again. One factor, of course, is stress, and some stress is to be expected in a stepfamily. So, if anything, you will probably have to work harder on your couple relationship in a stepfamily marriage than in a first marriage. That means more talking, more negotiating, more forgiving and more effort to work things out as a team.

Discipline: Who does what?

Obviously, discipline is a major issue in many families. It can be more of an issue in step families, because of children’s emotional responses to divorce or the death of a parent, how they adapt to new adults in their lives and a situation where parental discipline roles seem less clear?cut. Discipline is more than just “making kids behave.” It also involves teaching, guidance and protection. Effective discipline starts with a relationship. Children need to trust and look up to the person in charge of discipline. That’s why most parents and experts agree that, as much as possible, the biological parent should handle most discipline issues with his or her own kids, especially in the early stages of family blending. Step?parents should concentrate on building relationships with kids before taking a strong role in discipline.

Working Things Out

It’s not always possible for step?parents to stay completely out of discipline. Very young children always need someone watching them, and whoever that person is –parent, step?parent or babysitter – will have to step in at times and deal with discipline issues. And with children of any age, a step?parent will sometimes be in charge because his spouse isn’t home. Step?parenting partners need to talk about household rules, responding to day?to?day behaviour problems, sibling rivalry and everything else that goes with teaching children how to behave and get along with others. If children are over the age of four, they should be included in some discussions. Family meetings, where the whole family sits down to discuss things in a calm atmosphere, can be a helpful way to clarify rules, consequences, discipline roles and other blended family matters.

Practical Matters

Along with personal issues like relationships, discipline and trying to minimize conflict, blended families also deal with many practical issues – living arrangements, holidays, activity schedules, child care and finances. Dealing with these sorts of issues is important. If they are not handled well, they can be the source of additional conflict and stress.

Our Children

Research shows that many couples in blended families cement their relationship by having a child together. This can be a wonderful thing for a stepfamily, but it does create some new issues. Will I love the child we have together more than the children from my first marriage? Will I favour this child too much? How will the other children feel about the new baby?

The Difference Between Equal And Fair

All parents worry about treating children equally. Perfectly equal treatment of children is hard to achieve in any family, even harder in stepfamilies. Some research has shown that in times of stress parents are more likely to compromise with their own children than with stepchildren. That’s not surprising. You can’t expect to treat your stepchildren, or love them, exactly the same way you would love and treat your own children. But it is possible to be fair. That means having consistent expectations for behaviour (depending on children’s ages), sharing household resources as much as possible and making sure that each child is taken into account and parented according to his needs.

Many stepchildren have multiple parents. That can be a source of difficulties when ex-spouses don’t get along very well, can’t agree on child?rearing issues or when there are conflicting values between different households and parents.

The best chance of success comes when both families:

? Communicate honestly and respectfully

? Put the child’s well?being ahead of the parents’ needs

? Treat the other parents with respect

? Honour agreements and schedules

? Respect the child’s relationship with her other parent(s)

Get Help If You Need It

Many families sometimes face problems that require outside help: individual or family counselling, support groups, family mediation or legal advice. If you need help finding family services ask at your doctor’s office, place of worship or any agency that works with families or children, or look under family or children’s services in the Yellow Pages.

Final Thoughts

We want to leave you with one more idea: hope.

Hope is important for any parent. It’s particularly important in blended families. A hopeful attitude helps us to look at day?to?day life a little more positively and not give up when things aren’t going so well. When you are hopeful you are also more likely to see opportunities to build your stepfamily relationships and notice little encouraging signs of progress. The question is how do you maintain your hope, especially if you’re having a hard time? That’s what husbands and wives are for. You’ve got this exciting new relationship and you’re really motivated to make it work. Take advantage of that. Lean on each other, cheerlead for each other, help each other solve problems and always be ready to offer and accept each other’s advice and support. Lean on your friends and close relatives too. Don’t forget to enjoy your kids. Children are a challenge. But they can also be enjoyable, funny, interesting and exciting. Good times with children increase our feelings of hope. And lastly, try not to get too discouraged by the mistakes you will make. The blended family is a tricky business. As one father put it, “You’re going to be afraid to make a mistakes, and then you will make them anyway. ”But if you put your efforts into looking after your children’s needs and building relationships with them, chances are you’ll do more right things than wrong things. And if you work as a team with your partner, you’ll learn from both your successes and your mistakes. Then your ratio of right things to wrong things should improve. That’s the best any parent can hope for.

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