You are NOT your Behaviour

How many times have you been told that you are (either one of these):

• Arrogant / Bad / Dumb / Hopeless / Ill-mannered / Lazy / Naughty / Stupid / Useless / Worthless

All this, because of your actions or a behaviour you had.

As meaning making beings, we constantly judge and label people.

It is so easy for us to tell another person they are useless because they did not do what was expected of them. At some point in our lives, we have all judged and labelled others. It may be that our parents or teachers said these things to us. And we unconsciously learned and modelled this behaviour. Let me share my personal story on same:

I have always had a scientific mind, analysing with logic and trying to understand how things work. So at school, I used to excel in Science & Mathematics but would do poorly in Arts & Literature. I remember how I used to struggle with drawing and painting in Art class.

It all started when my Art teacher once told me: “You are hopeless! You will never be able to draw properly”. And you know what? I believed her. From that day on, my mind created a new meaning which became part of my identity. I started to believe “I do not know how to draw, I am not creative enough”. I became my behaviour: from ‘struggling to draw’ to believing ‘I am not a creative person’. It became a limiting belief for me.

You are not their behaviour – You are more than you think you are!

Behaviour changes and varies according to the context. In NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), we learn and work with a powerful presupposition: “People are not their behaviour”

As human beings, we are more than just our behaviour. We are whole individuals. We have purpose, values, beliefs, strengths and skills, which shape who we are. We can learn new strategies. We can choose and we can change.

Similarly, it is never too late to have a ‘happy childhood’. What this means is that you can transform your limiting beliefs and learn new beliefs (with the help of a certified coach). Just like I did.

Through NLP and coaching, I transformed my limiting belief and installed a new belief: “I am a creative writer. Drawing and painting is not the only way to be creative. Writing allows me to exercise my creativity in a different way.” That is why I write and share my views on topics, which interest me.

Be Response-able: Challenge the behaviour, not the person

When dealing with behaviour of others, be careful of your response. Our words cast spells. The words we use have the power to change minds. The words we use have to power to create new meaning for people, especially children. In fact, the mind of a child is like a sponge, which absorbs and believes everything with pure innocence.

So when giving feedback challenge the behaviour, not the person. How?

(1) Focus on the specific action or behaviour

(2) Highlight the impact and/or consequence of that behaviour

(3) Future pace on the positive behaviour change which is desired or required

We have the power to choose for ourselves, we have the power to choose how we are going to respond to everything that is happening to us. We are more than our behaviour.

“Between what happens to us, the stimulus and how we respond to that stimulus there is a space and in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor Frankl