Are You a “Yes” Person? Four Ways to Start Saying What You Really Think

For many people, saying “yes” can be an automatic response that doesn’t align with their inner compass.

For example, in meetings, do you nod “yes” when you don’t actually agree with what’s being said? Do you ever agree to attend family functions when it’s the last thing you’d like to do? Do you add way too much to your already full plate to help – and avoid disappointing – others??

This is certainly not uncommon, so if you’re a yes person, you are not alone. And while your agreeable nature and your selflessness might be appreciated, learning to say no can reduce your stress and anxiety and make you a more content and empowered person. Learning to speak your truth can cultivate more authenticity and align your life to joy and happiness.

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Why Do People Say “Yes” When They Mean “No?”

Many people who say “yes” when they want to say “no,” are engaging in the time-honored tradition of pleasing people. People-pleasers are often afraid to say “no” due to fear or anxiety around the ramifications of saying “no.”

This fear or anxiety is rooted in an earlier trauma, during which a survival tactic of blurring boundaries was either learned or developed. That blurred boundary creates some safety for “yes” people, because they believe hard boundaries create the potential to be critiqued, judged or expelled from social engagement. In his book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving,” therapist and trauma survivor Pete Walker coined the term “fawning” to describe the use of people-pleasing to avoid conflict. “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others,” Walker says. “They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries.”?

Assess Awareness

Some people who say “yes” when they mean “no” are aware of what they’re doing and they do it intentionally to create pleasure and avoid friction. Others are not aware, and their response in the moment is driven by the anxiousness that sits under the surface. They subconsciously nod their heads in a misguided attempt to align. However, these people are often made aware by supervisors or family members who ask why they’re always nodding in agreement when they’re so obviously uncomfortable. Or, they’re not made aware, and would have to objectively look at themselves to learn what is truly going on in their own minds.

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Four Personal Experiments to Empower "Yes People" to Say No:

Experiment No. 1: Simply Observe

For one week, simply increase your awareness of when you're saying “yes” and when you're saying “no.” Observe what your body feels like and what thoughts you have when you're saying “yes.” If it feels like full alignment, awesome. If you're saying “yes” and you're aware that you actually would like to say “no,” just take note of it. And then the next time you feel that same sensation, take note of it again.?

Pay immediate attention to how your body responds to the internal conflict. My personal experience in these scenarios is that I feel my body start to work overtime to manage the tension. My neck muscles get tight, my temperature kicks up, my breathing moves into my chest. Then, at the end of the day, see if you notice a difference in your overall energy. Each morning when we wake up, we have a limited amount of resources to meet the demands of the day. Misaligning our words and actions consumes a lot of energy and we become far less efficient.?

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Experiment No. 2: Speak Up, a Little

Once you've increased your awareness a bit and you’re aware that you’re saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” make a commitment to raise your hand and say something. But, to ease the intensity of the boundary pushing or authority challenging, make it just a half-statement. Something like, “I really like some of what I'm hearing, and I have one other thought I'd like to add.” With this, you’re acknowledging you heard some good stuff and framing your response in a positive way, rather than disagreeing right away or going 180 degrees in the opposite direction. Lastly, when you do this, see how it feels and note that feeling. When your thoughts, words and actions are aligned, you’ll likely notice that you’ll feel a nice bump in energy. This is what feeling “powerful” feels like.?

Experiment No. 3: Ask for the Answers

If you're fully aware that you say “yes” in situations when you’re thinking “no,” drum up the courage to talk to the person you are constantly being agreeable with—whether it’s a supervisor, a peer, a teammate or a family member—and say something like:?

“Hey, how do you like to hear feedback? Do you like to hear it publicly? Do you like to hear it privately? Because there's a couple ideas I want to share with you, but I'm not sure the right way to do it.” That way, they’re giving you the answers to the test, as I like to say. They'll tell you if they want you to share feedback or opinions on the spot, or if they’d rather you pull them aside before or after a meeting, or send them a note. This enables “yes” people to own some power in a calmer environment rather than trying to be courageous in a more intense environment.

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Experiment No. 4: Say No… With a Smile

When you're very clear about something and you have an opinion about which you feel strongly, that’s the time to actually say “no.” And when you do say “no,” smile. Smiling will allow you to grab some attention. People will say, “What do you mean, ‘no?’ You always say ‘yes.’” And that will give you the opportunity to say you have some other priorities stacked up and you’re not able to do that particular thing for the team, or that you don’t think the plan is in the best interest of the team. Keep your answer short and sweet and in service of the team. And, once again, pay attention to how you feel. If you had a bump in energy when you spoke up a little, speaking your truth should feel very good.

With Fire,

MG