You Wouldn’t Ingest Toxic Chemicals. So Why Do You Let Toxic People Get Under Your Skin?

Similar to the effects of exposure to toxic substances, exposure to toxic people is bad for your health.

There are many tactics a toxic person knowingly, or unknowingly employs – they all culminate in creating negativity and turmoil for you and/or others around you.

In short, like an oil slick, they contaminate the environment.

Here are just a few behaviours that signal toxicity. These can be consistent behaviours displayed equally across all people, or deployed with a select group of individuals.

Miserable World View

They are relentlessly negative and judgmental, quick to dismiss, disparage and denigrate: ‘You’ll never manage that’; ‘Your team always underdelivers’; ‘You don’t have what it takes to make this work’; ‘You can’t handle this.’

Extremist

They lack the ability to appreciate nuance. They want simple answers, and refuse to invest effort in accounting for multiple factors at play in a situation. They use absolute terms: always, never, totally, when absolute terms are inaccurate and unhelpful.

Finger Pointers

They want simple answers from others, but when their performance is under the spotlight, they are evasive and invent excuses – or accuse others of being the root cause for their misses.

Disrespectful

They know best, so they don’t listen, don’t seek to appreciate a different perspective and they frequently descend into a rage. They can exhibit a potent and poisonous combination of rudeness, arrogance and aggression.

‘This is the way I see it’ is stated, or shouted, as a dictate rather than as an invitation to debate. The only possible exception is when encountering people they perceive as superior to themselves, typically in terms of position, wealth, or education.

Sky-High Ego

They are firmly in the centre of not only their world, but everyone else’s world – or at least they believe they should be. They singularly lack the ability to realistically audit their behaviour or performance, believing they are superior to others. They take kisser-uppers at face-value, and fail to entertain constructive feedback, which might challenge their self-concept.

Manipulative

They may use confidences against you, blatantly lie, willingly mislead you and cruelly gaslight you. They may withhold important information to sabotage your project success. And they may engage in highly political behaviour, forming alliances by seeding rumours, and planting suspicion about you, your performance and your team.

Passive-Aggressive

They hide their true feelings, stating ‘everything’s fine’, whilst working behind the scenes to take revenge on you for a perceived slight, quietly sabotaging your project by dragging their feet or withholding important facts.

Hostile

Given their unwillingness to engage constructively with others based on objective feedback, they can quickly erupt into outrage. This predisposition, coupled with a belligerent attitude, means they frequently berate others – often loudly and publicly.

How to Counter the Toxic Elements at Work

Replenish Your Positivity Cup Frequently

Dealing with toxic people takes additional mental, emotional and physical effort. Ensure you detox with upbeat colleagues or restorative rituals. Listen to a fun song, comedy sketch, take a stroll, take a 2-minute mindfulness break, do some stretches and remind yourself of your accomplishments and capabilities.

Prepare

You know their tactics so prepare yourself to manage your triggers constructively. Have your data at the ready, if you know that they like to quote incorrect status updates, and prepare yourself for the mental and emotional onslaught that may occur.

Pick Your Battles

Toxic people want to bring you down, so purposefully choose the battles you engage in, and be ready to avoid less significant skirmishes. And when you do commit to engage, be ready to challenge their statements and behaviours calmly, constructively and with concrete facts.

Positively Professional

Keep bringing the person back to the observable, relevant facts. Avoid cutting them some slack because their lies or obfuscations are being exposed - rather, highlight the failings with a constructive, time-bound solution approach. Raise the level of discussion to the agreed objectives, accountabilities and targets – calmly and constructively. Register these agreements and circulate them. Remember – this takes a toll on your energy, so keep replenishing your cup.

Limit Exposure

Just like toxic chemicals, toxic people are hazardous, so limit your exposure to them. Set agendas and stick to them. If engaged on a project with them, circulate the actions and relevant data, so there is an audit trail of performance. Handle them remotely, using transparent collaboration and performance tools.

Hit Pause

You can’t prepare for every eventuality, so be conscious of what is going on for you (thoughts, feelings, physical reactions) when a toxic individual is trying to trigger you.

You could prepare a few set phrases that buy you time in those situations: ‘Give me time to think over that comment’, ‘Let me check my data to verify that statement before we make any changes to the plan’.

You could prep yourself to move physically, such as step backwards or make yourself bigger in your chair (as a reminder to hit pause) - it's a motion that you can link to hitting pause and collecting your thoughts.

Stay Solution Oriented

Toxic people prefer the realm of negativity – the problems, hurdles and the many obstacles that prevent progress. Framing these perceptions as opportunities and consistently seeking solutions to a situation helps you remain positive and also ensures others in the team stay upbeat and optimistic.

What to Do When the Leader is Toxic?

When a leader is toxic, you can try the above approaches – if they modify their behaviour, great, if they don’t, you might want to consider:

The Organization's Culture

Will the values and processes of the organization expose their toxicity? How long might it take for the culture to eject the leader? Can you withstand the toxic behaviour of the boss in the meantime?

Your Allies

Do you have enough positive colleagues around you to neutralize the impact of the boss? Are they receiving the same treatment and can you form a supportive and collective resistance to the leader? If you are being singled out for the toxic treatment, are you able to continue to enjoy your work and maintain your sense of well-being – or might the boss’s behaviour have repercussions for your growth in the organization?

Your Options

Though you may not appreciate it when you feel you are at the mercy of a toxic leader, you always have options. Bringing some options to fruition may take time, such as moving teams within the organization, or moving organizations - still, they are achievable.

Talk through your options with a trusted friend, and plan a few courses of action - and action those plans.

When Are You Prone to Toxicity?

That's a question to challenge your self-awareness.

Many people at some stage in life, or in some specific situations or with some people, exhibit toxic behaviours. Perhaps relook at the first part of the article and consider how you at times display toxic traits. And then look at the suggested approaches to handle toxicity. How can you use those to avoid treating another person toxically?

Minimizing Toxic Exposure with EQ

Handling your own toxic traits and those of others requires emotional intelligence.

You're likely to feel the toxicity - a physical tightness, a clenching of the lips, a lightly more rapid heart-beat, or a feeling of irritation, distrust or dejection, before you can rationally deal with it.

Emotional intelligence is about blending awareness of those feelings with a rational ability to determine the best course of action in the situation. It is about pursuing that chosen course of action, in spite of the additional energy, resilience and time it takes to arrive at a more beneficial outcome.

It's also about having empathy for yourself in the situation, and the other person - knowing that by taking a respectful, reasonable and constructive path, you're supporting your own growth and that of others.

No one said it was easy. The good news is that with effort, change happens.

And remember, in those extra trying moments: Hit Pause.

Toxicity and Performance

Toxic behaviour impacts performance, because it impacts people's well-being and ability to perform at their best.

Toxic behaviour has a further financial impact on organizations due to an increase in sick days taken, fallen productivity, possible legal action, and an inability to attract the best talent due to the diminished reputation of the organization.

Andrea Stone is a leadership and team coach, working with successful executives and their teams to create greater value and success.

She partners with clients to create custom programs that blend coaching with experiential learning in key areas of leadership: vision, strategy and change.