You Were Spanked, Now You Spank – 6 Ways You’re Killing Your Kids’ EQ!

Imagine this scenario: James, a 42-year-old Sales Director, rushes into the downtown Vancouver office building, his heart pounding. The West Coast Express from Mission had stopped abruptly after someone jumped onto the tracks. Emergency services. Police. Delays. Now he's 45 minutes late for a meeting with a potential client worth millions to the company.

He hurries to the reception desk, breathless, ready to explain the situation. Before he can speak, his boss storms over, face contorted with rage. In front of the receptionist, the waiting client, and three colleagues, the boss forcefully bends James over, yanks down his suit pants, and delivers five stinging blows to his exposed backside.

"That'll teach you to be on time," the boss growls, straightening his tie.

Absurd? Unthinkable? Of course. James would quit immediately, possibly file assault charges, and likely win a substantial lawsuit. No adult would tolerate such degrading treatment.

Yet every day, millions of children worldwide experience exactly this scenario. Their developing brains register the same shock, humiliation, and betrayal that James would feel, but they have nowhere to go, no lawsuit to file, no way to escape.

The Civilization Gap

Here's a disturbing experiment: Open your browser and search "how to spank a kitten" or "how to spank a puppy." You'll find nothing but horrified responses, warnings about animal cruelty, and possibly links to animal protection services.

What you'll actually see are responses like:

"Never physically reprimand a kitten. Hitting or shaking your cat can scare them, create hand-shyness or potentially cause harm. You're more likely to experience those unintended consequences than to teach a lesson."

"Physical punishment is never appropriate for animals. Instead, use positive reinforcement training methods."

"Report animal abuse to your local humane society or animal control."

Society has deemed it universally unacceptable to hit animals for training purposes.

Now search "how to spank a child."

The results are chilling – detailed instructions, "proper" techniques, and debates about appropriate implements. In a society that would report someone for hitting a puppy, we still provide guidance on hitting children.

This moral inconsistency reveals how deeply entrenched violence against children remains in our culture. We've criminalized hitting spouses, employees, strangers, and even animals – yet in many places, hitting children remains not just legal but actively defended as necessary.

Fortunately, this is changing. As of 2025, 67 countries have legally banned all corporal punishment of children, recognizing it as the human rights violation it truly is. Sweden led the way in 1979, followed by Finland, Norway, Austria, and dozens more. Yet major nations like the United States continue to allow this practice despite growing evidence of its potential harm. Compare violent crimes rates between countries where children are spanked with those where doing so is illegal for a clear picture on the effectiveness of that treatment.

The Neurobiology of Spanking

When a child is spanked, their developing brain experiences a cascade of stress hormones - cortisol floods their system, triggering a fight-flight-freeze response. But unlike adults, children can't fight back or flee. They're trapped in a state of helplessness while the very people designated to protect them become sources of fear.

This isn't just momentarily upsetting. It can be neurologically significant.

Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, former Surgeon General of California and author of "The Deepest Well," has discussed how repeated activation of the stress response system through adverse childhood experiences can affect developing brains. Research suggests it may impact the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making and impulse control), the amygdala (our fear center), and potentially even gene expression through epigenetic changes.

Core Beliefs Formed Through Physical Punishment

Children make sense of their world through experience. When physically punished, they may form beliefs that persist into adulthood:

• "I am inherently bad" - Children think concretely. If they're punished physically, they might conclude there must be something wrong with them at a fundamental level.
• "I deserve to be hurt" - The child may learn that pain is an appropriate response to mistakes or failings.
• "The world is dangerous" - If home isn't safe, nowhere is.
• "Those who love me will hurt me" - This creates confusion about what love means.
• "My body doesn't belong to me" - Children may learn they have limited bodily autonomy.
• "Power means hurting others" - Children might learn that authority is expressed through physical dominance.

These beliefs don't simply disappear with adulthood. They can become the foundation for relationships, career choices, self-image, and mental health.

The Research Picture

The scientific literature on spanking has evolved significantly over the years. While not all studies reach identical conclusions, several notable findings include:

• A 2016 meta-analysis published in the Journal of Family Psychology examined 50 years of research involving over 160,000 children, finding spanking associated with increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health problems in children.
• Research published in Child Development has suggested that physical punishment may be associated with changes in brain response to threat cues.
• Multiple studies have indicated that many adults who experienced corporal punishment as children are more likely to support its use with their own children, potentially contributing to intergenerational cycles.

While individual experiences vary widely, and many factors influence child development beyond discipline methods alone, the weight of evidence increasingly suggests caution regarding physical punishment.

The Healing Journey

What's particularly challenging about childhood experiences with physical punishment is how long the emotional effects can last. Many adults spend significant time in therapy working through the aftermath of what society often dismissed as "normal discipline."

The processing of these experiences can take time because:

• The experiences occurred during critical developmental periods when the brain was forming its fundamental understanding of safety and relationships
• Any potential harm was inflicted by caregivers, creating complex attachment dynamics
• The experience was normalized by society, making it difficult to recognize as potentially problematic
• The child had to continue depending on the very people who administered the punishment
• The emotional responses become encoded in implicit memory – remembered by the body and emotions rather than consciously

Many people spend years exploring how their childhood experiences shaped their adult selves, sometimes only finding peace and integration in middle age or beyond.

The Cross-Generational Impact

The word “discipline” and “disciple” share a common root in the Latin word “discipulus” meaning “student” or “follower”, and both terms relate to learning and following a teacher, including the concept of following Jesus. There are no records of Jesus spanking their followers even though he was often outraged by their actions void of compassion towards others. True discipline means to teach, not to punish. Yet many adults report being spanked as children, and some consider it normal or even necessary!

Consider the paradox: We teach children not to hit others while hitting them. We punish them for expressing anger physically while modeling that exact behavior. We demand respect while treating them in ways that would be criminal if done to adults.

Alternatives to Spanking: Raising Responsible Children Without Fear

Many parents worry that without physical punishment, they'll raise "spoiled brats" who lack discipline and respect for authority. This concern is understandable.

Research in developmental psychology suggests, however, that children raised with positive discipline approaches tend to develop strong internal motivation, better self-regulation, and healthier relationships with authority figures.

Here are effective alternatives for parents at their wit's end:

1. Connection before correction: When a child misbehaves, first establish emotional connection. "I see you're having a hard time following the rules right now. What's going on?"
2. Natural and logical consequences: Rather than arbitrary punishment, use consequences directly related to the behavior. If a child throws food, they help clean it up. If they break something, they help repair or replace it.
3. Problem-solving together: "This behavior isn't working. Let's figure out together what would help you remember the rules next time."
4. Time-ins instead of time-outs: Rather than isolation, sit with the child as they calm down, modeling emotional regulation.
5. Emotional coaching: "I can see you're feeling angry. It's okay to feel angry, but we need to find safe ways to express it."
6. Clear, consistent boundaries: Children need boundaries, but they don't need pain to understand them. "In our family, we speak respectfully to each other. If you need help finding respectful words, I can help you."
7. Positive reinforcement: Catch them being good. "I noticed how you shared with your sister. That was really kind."
8. Modeling: Children learn what they live. Model the behavior you want to see.

Strict Consequences vs. Fear-Based Discipline

There's an important distinction between setting firm consequences and using fear-based discipline:

Structured Discipline Approach:

• Rules are clear and consistently enforced
• Consequences are logical and related to the behavior
• The parent-child relationship remains respectful
• The child's dignity stays intact
• The child learns what TO do, not just what NOT to do
• The child develops internal motivation to behave well
• The child feels secure in the parent's love despite mistakes

Fear-Based/Physical Punishment Approach:

• Rules may be unclear or inconsistently enforced
• Consequences are physical and may be unrelated to the behavior
• The parent-child relationship may become strained
• The child's dignity could be compromised
• The child learns to avoid punishment, not necessarily to make good choices
• The child may develop external motivation (avoiding pain) rather than internal values
• The child might question their worth and the security of their parents' love

Child development specialists often note that discipline based in fear may create children who act from fear, not from a genuine desire to do what's right.

Self-Trust and Its Ripple Effects

A potential long-term impact of childhood physical punishment may be the erosion of self-trust. According the Psychology Today 85% humans experience low self-esteem. When children learn their natural impulses are "bad" and deserve punishment, they might stop trusting their own feelings, perceptions, and judgments.

This can create adults who:

• Struggle to make decisions without excessive external validation
• Remain in unhealthy relationships because they don't trust their assessment of the situation
• Tolerate disrespect in professional settings
• Doubt their own achievements (impostor syndrome)
• Fail to set appropriate boundaries
• Constantly seek external approval
• Abandon their goals when faced with criticism

When you don't trust yourself, every relationship and life decision becomes more complicated.

Healing and Moving Forward

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, healing is possible. Our understanding of neuroplasticity suggests that patterns formed in childhood can be reshaped through:

• Awareness - Recognizing the connection between childhood experiences and current patterns
• Reparenting - Learning to speak to yourself with the compassion and guidance you needed as a child
• Somatic Work - Processing emotional responses stored in the body through movement, breathwork, and other physical practices
• Corrective Experiences - Creating new experiences that provide different outcomes than what you expected
• Professional Support - Working with trauma-informed therapists who understand the connections between childhood experiences and adult patterns

A Starting Point: The Self-Trust Exploration

If you're interested in exploring these connections, you might begin with reflective questions like:

• How did I learn to trust or distrust my feelings as a child?
• Were my emotional responses validated or dismissed?
• When did I first learn that making mistakes had serious consequences?
• How do those early lessons affect my decision-making today?
• What would change if I trusted myself more completely?

This exploration can begin to illuminate connections between past experiences and present struggles, creating space for healing.

Breaking the Cycle

If we wouldn't tolerate a boss treating an employee the way James was treated in our opening scenario, why do we accept similar treatment of children?

If we understand the potential developmental impact of physical punishment, why do some continue practices that might affect developing brains?

The answer often lies in our own unexamined experiences - we may perpetuate what we haven't processed.

Changing this pattern requires courage to face our own pain and commitment to do better. It means learning new parenting skills, managing our own triggers, and sometimes healing multi-generational patterns.

But the rewards are immense: children who grow into adults with intact self-trust, healthy relationships, and the capacity to create lives of meaning and purpose.

The child you were deserves understanding. The children in your life deserve protection. And our collective future benefits from breaking harmful cycles.

If you're ready to explore how childhood experiences have shaped your adult life and learn to rebuild your relationship with yourself, consider reaching out.

Together, we can transform difficult experiences into sources of wisdom and strength.

#MsRoslonek #ChildDevelopment #GentleParenting #BreakingTheCycle #ChildhoodTrauma #NeurodevelopmentalImpact #HealingJourney