Are You Wearing the Badge that Deep Down Nobody Desires?

Being the go-to person can feel honorable in a world that values selflessness and cooperation. People-pleasers, those who habitually prioritize others' needs over their own, often secretly wear this role as a badge of honor. They are the reliable friend, the dependable colleague, the family member who always shows up. On the surface, these qualities might seem admirable, but beneath lies a more complex emotional landscape, often marked by resentment and overwhelm.

Understanding the Hidden Rewards of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing goes beyond being a just behavior; it is a reflection of one's identity. When you become the individual who handles everything, fixes everything, and never disrupts anything, and this makes you feel like a "good person," this deeply rooted identity makes change extremely difficult as it puts your sense of self-worth at stake.

At the identity level, there is a hidden payoff. Wanting to be perceived as a good person frequently drive people-pleasing behaviors. You find validation when others acknowledge your efforts, yet this validation comes at a high price - your own well-being.

Selflessness versus People-Pleasing

There is a significant misconception surrounding people-pleasing. Many individuals view people-pleasing as a "selfless" trait. However, there is a crucial distinction between being kind and considerate and being a people-pleaser. One feels light and effortless, while the other feels exhausting and overwhelming.

If you are uncertain about your position, ask yourself these questions:

• Do you secretly feel resentful, trapped, obligated, or overwhelmed?

or

• Are you enthusiastic, happy to assist, and genuinely eager to fulfill your commitments?

The Urge to Please

People-pleasing is the desire to keep everyone happy and to be perceived in a positive way, often at the cost of neglecting your own needs and wants. It involves showing interest in things and engaging in activities that don't genuinely resonate with you, all for the sake of gaining others' favor, seeking validation, or experiencing a sense of approval and "love."

This behavior stems from a desire to be liked and to establish connections, yet these connections lack authenticity. Others connect with a persona that does not truly represent you, leading to a lack of genuine connections. By assuming a false identity, you reinforce the belief that your true self is unworthy or unlovable.

People-pleasing manifests not only in the actions and words used to make others perceives us in a certain way, but also in the things left unsaid or undone.

Have you refrained from expressing your thoughts in certain situations to avoid conflict or maintain harmony?

The Harsh Truth

People-pleasing is an effort to control how others view you due to insecurity regarding how you view yourself. It can be considered a form of deception. It involves molding yourself into a version you believe will get acceptance and admiration from others, allowing you to accept and appreciate yourself.

People-pleasing versus Generosity

People-pleasing is often mistaken for love or generosity, but these don’t go together. If actions done in the name of love result in anger or resentment, it's not genuine generosity but rather a selfish act. The difficulty in saying "no" often stems from a fear of feeling guilty.

You might not be aware, but the truth is that you might prefer feeling resentful over feeling guilty.

Reflect on recent actions that you did supposedly out of love or generosity but then led to bitterness, anger, or resentment because you "had" to do it.

That does not demonstrate love for yourself or love for others but instead it’s breeding anger in you and resentment towards them.

The key lies in being honest with oneself, loving yourself enough to tell the truth, and being willing to love other people no matter their response to your truth.

Breaking the Cycle

To break free from the cycle of deceit and people-pleasing, it's essential to question if one is ready to embrace authenticity, even if it means losing certain opinions and individuals, in exchange for genuine connections.

“Don't be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.”

Genuine giving stems from a place of love and generosity, involving actions that one willingly and happily undertakes, devoid of bitterness or resentment. It's about giving a sincere yes without any negative emotions attached.

Whether you choose not to engage, accept it, or seek a compromise that aligns with your comfort level rather than meeting all expectations, remember that giving doesn't have to be all or nothing. You have the right to set boundaries on what you can offer or do.

Distinguishing between genuine acceptance and suppressing emotions to please others is crucial. It's common to overlook this behavior until negative emotions surface.

It’s time to put an end to this belief that you must act the way you think others will want, in order to be a good person.

It’s time to stop putting everyone else's comfort and happiness above your own.

It’s time to quit missing opportunities to stand up and speak up because you want to be seen as a nice person and the keeper of peace.

It’s time to stop burning yourself out agreeing to everything asked of you because others expect you to be their go-to person.

Take the first step today by acknowledging your people-pleasing tendencies and committing to a more authentic way of interacting with others. If you need support on this journey, let’s talk. Your well-being is worth it.