If You Want Respect, Start by Respecting Yourself

"Let me ask you something... Do you respect yourself?"

I asked my client this question after he complained that he didn't feel he was getting the respect he deserved at work. It stopped him right in his tracks...

"Uhm... well... what do you mean by that?"

I paused, looked him straight in the eyes, and said:

"If you feel like you aren't getting enough respect, maybe you are not respecting yourself enough in the first place. And if you don't respect yourself, it's hard for others to do so. Even if they did, you wouldn't notice..."

But it wasn't just him. It's all of us. We are wired to crave admiration and acceptance from other people. We'll do anything to become respected, whether it's getting a fancy degree or buying a $1000 suit.

What we fail to realize is that respect starts within. It's an inside job. What we really crave is not the approval of other people, but rather the feeling it will give us. It's that state of confidence and clarity about who we are — that's what we are after!

But instead, we end up chasing all sorts of superficial symbols of status, only to discover their short-lived nature. They cannot give us that feeling of wholeness, and as a result we:

• feel unworthy of love and success
• develop self-defeating behaviors and beliefs
• lack the confidence and/or motivation to pursue our goals
• get addicted to pleasure, drugs & entertainment
• get into toxic, manipulative relationships

These are all traps that we fall into because we lack a sense of self-respect...

Note: You can also replace the word "respect" with love, worth, confidence, esteem, or any other noun that conveys keeping yourself in high regard, and being secure in who you are.

But enough theory... Let's make it practical.

How does one develop self-respect?

In my opinion, there are 4 major levels of self-respect.

Let's break them down one by one.

1. Respect Your Body ????

Wherever you go, your body goes with you. It's your number one property...

But too often, we don't treat it that way. I read a quote somewhere (I couldn't find it so I'm paraphrasing) that goes something like this:

When you are healthy, you've got a hundred desires. When you are sick, you only have one — to get healthy again.

Most people approach their bodies like a synthetic meat suit/machine. We only pay attention when something breaks down or doesn't work. We expect the doctors to "fix it" or to give us a magic pill — ignoring the fact that there's a lifestyle issue causing the havoc.

Respecting your body is about shifting that mindset and cultivating the innate intelligence of your body. It's an intricate organism that contains millions of years worth of evolutionary wisdom ingrained in your DNA. It works tirelessly each day to keep you healthy and vibrant, without your conscious participation.

The least you can do is give your body what it needs, which is:

1. Optimal hydration — roughly 2-3 liters of water per day
2. Healthy nutrition — mostly whole, natural, unprocessed foods
3. Daily movement — even if it's just walking, or a sport you enjoy
4. Adequate rest — getting enough sleep and time for relaxation
5. Deep breathing — optimizing the most essential life-process

2. Respect Your Emotions ??

When you touch a hot stove, your brain sends a signal down your nervous system. It's definitely not a pleasant one — but it's necessary for survival.

The same is true of all your emotions. They exist for a reason. Too often we discredit our feelings and emotions for being "irrational". Damn-right they are irrational! That's actually the whole point. You don't want to be thinking about whether you should move your hand off the hot stove or not. It's a bodily reaction that happens of its own accord.

So in essence, your emotions connect your mind and body. They are fine-tuned mechanisms that show you something that needs to be addressed. Suppressing or ignoring them is self-destructive by nature — it is denying your own body.

Medicating them with magic pills, drugs, and other distractions doesn't work either. It keeps the root cause intact and prevents you from growing and maturing as a person.

Instead, try to honor your emotions, sit with them, and explore what's behind them. Here is a short process you can use for handling your emotions in a healthy way:

1. First, allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. We live in a hyper-rational culture and oftentimes, we don't allow ourselves to feel our emotions fully. But as you'll see, you can learn so much from them.
2. Next, detach yourself from your emotions. Notice that you HAVE emotions — but you are not your emotions. Instead of saying "I am angry" you can say "I feel anger towards XYZ because...". This immediately takes away some of the emotional charge. It puts you in ownership of your emotion, rather than letting it control you.
3. Try to dig deeper and see what's behind this emotion. Usually, there's an unmet need or an unfulfilled desire in one or more areas of your life. Ask yourself: "Where in my life am I living out of alignment with my own values?" This is where you get insights about what needs to change. Your emotions are simply the warning lights that are trying to get your attention.
4. Finally, you can release or discharge the emotion. A great way to do that is writing. Just open up your notebook (paper or digital) and write out everything that comes to your mind without judgment. Think of it as taking the emotion out of your mind and body and storing it away for future reference. However, you can also use drawing, dancing, working out, or anything else that helps you release it in a safe, healthy way.

Additional Tip: When you have negative emotions towards the world or other people, try to see how is it a projection of your own inner world — where are YOU doing the same thing?

These are a few things that helped me develop emotional health and resilience, but there are plenty of other ways. If you've got some, feel free to share them in the comments!

3. Respect Your Mind ??

Your mind is very much like a garden — if you take care of it, it will blossom and give you an abundance of fruits. When you don't, it withers and dies, until you are but an automaton lacking all creativity and critical thought.

So how do you go about attending to the garden of your mind? Whole books have been written on the subject, but here are some key principles that worked for me:

• to make better decisions, get clear on what you want (and don't want) — develop a clear set of values and an inspiring vision for your life
• set actionable goals, and develop a plan for achieving them
• stretch your mind's capacity by always learning something new — whether it's through reading books, listening to podcasts, attending workshops and courses, meeting new people, practicing new hobbies, and so on
• sharpen your focus by dividing your work into focused blocks of time, and always focus on a single task at a time
• protect your mind from invasive, negative forces such as social media (turn off the notifications), news outlets, and overly-negative people
• explore the deeper aspects of yourself and your mind through practices like mindfulness, meditation, journaling, psychotherapy, psychadelics, etc.

Most of these things are fairly straightforward — but people don't do them because they are so simple and cliché. However, cultivating your mental health is something that will continue to pay dividends for the rest of your life!

4. Respect Your Soul ?

Finally, there's the deeper essence of who you are... but before you start rolling your eyes, let me explain what I mean. Whether you believe in souls or don't, just consider that:

• You HAVE a body, but you're not your body.
• You HAVE emotions, but you're not your emotions.
• You HAVE thoughts, but you are not them either.

So... what are you?

You are nothing and everything at the same time. You are the endless stream of consciousness that permeates every moment of your life. Here's a metaphor I like to use:

When you look in the mirror, it's the same You looking back that was there when you were 5 years old, right? And yet everything about you is different. All of your cells have changed. Your personality has evolved. Your entire worldview is completely different!

... and yet it's still You looking back, right? So what is that "You"?

It's that glimmer of light behind it all. The silent, ever-present witness of life. It's your innermost essence. And it's present everywhere, all the time.

This mysterious being-ness is your true nature and by honoring it and connecting to it daily, your life takes on a quality of peace, presence, and happiness. You will turn the most simple, everyday things into a joyful celebration of life.

When you are connected to this essence, you can appreciate the little things, such as:

• a walk in nature
• watching the sunset
• breathing in fresh air
• eating a delicious meal
• deep, human connection

Real spirituality is not about wearing robes or chanting OUM until you pass out. It's really just about living fully and enjoying every second of it.

Other Types of Self-Respect

While those were the 4 main components of self-respect, there are other ways to respect yourself that just didn't make this article:

• social self-respect — being honest, authentic, fully present, having boundaries, etc.
• environmental self-respect — taking care of your home and the planet
• financial self-respect — learning to handle your finances according to your goals
• creative self-respect — honoring your own gifts and expressing them

That's all I have to say for now...

If you enjoyed this article, let me know!

And share it with those you love.

Key Takeaways:

If you want to become respected, start by respecting yourself:

1. Take care of your body and give it everything it needs to function optimally
2. Listen to your emotions and what they have to teach you
3. Cultivate the garden of your mind by maintaining your mental health
4. Connect to your spiritual essence and learn to appreciate the little things