If You Want More Meaning, Start with Purpose

“He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.” (Friedrich Nietzsche)

Life is often so busy that we don’t realize we're actually living it. We get up in the morning, brush our teeth, put on some clothes, make a coffee, wake up the kids, eat breakfast, bring the kids to school, go to work, spend time in meetings, have lunch, come home, eat dinner, watch the news, go to sleep. When we're finally in bed, we realize another day just passed. Was it a good day? Was it the day we wanted to have? Did we enjoy it?

I never stopped to ask this question until I was in my mid thirties. For the most part of my life, I went with the flow, letting myself guided by life’s meanderings and taking every challenge and every opportunity that came along; with optimism, resilience and without asking too many questions. I was doing my job, I told myself.

But while I was so busy accumulating, and so focused on always doing more and faster, I completely ignored the most important question. Why was I doing all of that? Why the busyness, the constant tiredness and the stress? Where was I running to? And why did it all matter?

It turns out that life has a mysterious way to show us the way, if we are ready to see it. I wasn’t ready to see it, but it showed it to me anyway. Ironically, it happened on the most ordinary day, one morning, while I was spreading butter on the sandwich for breakfast. My vision suddenly blurred, and a wave of heat built up from head to toes, wrapping the entire right side of my body. I froze in a panic attack and could not swallow, nor speak. For weeks, I lost my sensitivity to temperature, while doctors could not find anything wrong. I wrote more about that experience and what caused it, in a previous article. That was my wake up call. But one should not wait until something bad happens, to start living more purposefully.

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Benefits of a Purposeful Life

We all come to a point in our lives when we ask the big question. Why am I here? Why do I do what I do and what’s the purpose of it all? Like me, some of us start thinking about purpose after experiencing a major life event that just forces us to stop and rethink who we are and what we truly value. But there are other ways to start the process towards living a more meaningful life.

There are two questions you can ask yourself now:

1. Do you feel that your life has a sense of direction?

2. Do you feel your daily activities are engaging and important to you?

Research has shown a clear connection between having a sense of purpose and the general state of one’s wellbeing and quality of life. People who feel a sense of direction live on average longer lives and have more positive and deeper relationships with the others.

Having a clear purpose, helps us find intrinsic motivation to do the right things even when we don’t feel like doing them. It also helps us take difficult decisions easier, because we already clarified the contradictions, the conflicting values and it’s easier to say no to those things that are less essential for us long term. There is also evidence that people who live purposeful lives have more inter-personal appeal and are able to connect easier to other people.

Overall life satisfaction depends not merely on having goals, but on having the right goals.

Having a purpose in life is linked to mastery and perfecting a certain craft that brings us joy and energizes us. By craft, I don’t necessarily mean a manual or artistic endeavor like being a painter or a writer. Any vocation and activity can be a craft, if it involves a skill we can train and perfect as long as we live. To me, leadership is a craft, coaching others is a craft, being a good designer is a craft. When we set goals that are linked to attaining mastery in one area, we find the intrinsic motivation to do the work, to practice, even when we would rather do something easier instead.

So What Is Purpose?

Anthony Burrow, psychology professor at Cornell University who has been researching the connection between purpose and identity, defines purpose as a forward-looking directionality, an intention to create something in the world.

There is a difference between purpose and meaning. Meaning is making sense of the world as it happened or it’s happening, while purpose is about aspiring to something that is ahead of us.

If I am a manager and my purpose is to lead with humanity and compassion, I will look at the hour I just spent listening to a team member who struggles, as a meaningful experience and not as a waste of time that costs the company money. If my purpose is to be a good parent who teaches my child the right values and principles in life, the inevitable conflicts and tiring discussions that I will have with my child, are not sources of exhaustion but a meaningful necessity.

Purpose is like putting a pair of goggles that will help us see the world from a different, and more meaningful perspective.

There is also a difference between purpose and goals. A goal has a clear start and end date, so it’s an intention that can be achieved.

Wanting to become a manager is a goal and you will be done with it once you got that promotion you were dreaming of. Wanting to be a good manager on the other hand, is an aspiration. You are never done with it, it’s an art that you can cultivate and keep improving as long as you will be practicing it. On some days you will feel closer to your vision of a good manager and other times you will be struggling. It’s OK and you should not feel bad about yourself, as long as you are making progress and you’re going in the right direction.

Achieving a goal, whether is being number one or becoming rich, doesn't give you a sustainable vision long term and you have to ask yourself: what then? What happens when I achieved that? Who am I then? If there is no bigger aspiration behind that goal, it will just become a struggle to hold on to that label and maintain it. The stories of Andre Agassi and so many famous people who became depressed because there was no higher meaning after all the medals were won, are stories we need to listen to and learn from.

Is Purpose Something We Find?

Purpose is not something we find all of a sudden, like a revelation or a eureka moment. Finding purpose is a process, sometimes long, sometimes hard. It comes with many difficult questions, it forces us to be honest and hold ourselves accountable for all the stories we tell ourselves. Purpose can be cultivated in different ways and while we go through different stages of life, our mission might change as we evolve and become a better version of ourselves.

I started to think about purpose and why I was doing what I was doing, when my body forced me to stop.

There are moments like these when something ground shaking happens, often a life transition, a health related issue or a loss.

There is a shift in our perspective and this process of change and rediscovery will eventually lead to finding one’s mission and purpose.

But experiencing a big life disruption is not and should not be the only way.

We can also gradually discover our purpose while immersing ourselves in activities we enjoy and in hobbies that put us in a flow state.

As we spend more time pursuing those things we love, things start to connect and make more sense with time. What is key is that we spend time reflecting on what is happening and put effort in identifying patterns in our own behavior. When do we feel energized and when do we feel drained? How does the day look like when we are at our best, versus a day when we feel disconnected and misaligned?

A third way to start the process towards discovering more purpose is to observe someone else who is driven and has a clear mission.

It’s important to observe actual behaviors and not get mesmerized by the results and the external appearance of the people who inspire you. What do they actually do every day? What do they believe in? Who are they surrounded by? How does their world look like, not on social media, but in the different areas of their real life?

It’s essential that we focus on behaviors, and not only on goals. Goals are sometimes outside of our control. If my goal is to get an "excellent" on my performance review, that's not something I can control. My boss or someone else will actually make that decision, that ranking. Instead, I can focus on those behaviors that I value as excellent. What do I need to do to assess my own performance as excellent? What does excellence look like for me?

It’s a Personal Journey

We all want to have fulfilled lives and careers, to feel energized, alive and joyful. There are many scientific ways to accurately rate one’s level of happiness as Dan Gilbert’s research on happiness has shown. But what’s more difficult to assesses and group into categories is the nature of the experiences who make us feel happy and fulfilled. Everyone finds joy from a different mix of activities and interests, so the path to finding that optimal mix, is deeply personal and unique to each of us. There are no two people who have exactly the same mix of personality, drives, values and interests, so it’s never a good strategy to copy what someone else is doing to feel happy.

Purpose is internally driven, it's a subjective process. The question "what is your purpose?”, is not something that someone else can answer for you.

We all have a different journey and the potential to fulfill a higher purpose and create something unique. Like Viktor Frankl beautifully explains it in this lecture, if we want to avoid letting ourselves drift through life, and instead move towards something important to us, something that brings the best out of us, we need to know where we want to go, so we can assess we’re on the right direction when the winds is too strong.

You know you act with purpose, when you realize that you do what you do not because you want to be labelled in a certain way and validated by others, but because that's who you are and you feel inner confidence about your actions and decisions.

When you know who you are and who you want to become, you don't need external validation to feel good about yourself. You accept and love yourself the way you are and trust your own abilities to do what needs to be done.

Purpose must not be understood as this big scary thing that you must find or else you will be doomed to live a meaningless life. It can be a small thing that carries you with intent to the next day. Purpose can materialize at different levels:

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1. Some people find more meaning in 1:1 interaction and when their work or actions have a positive impact on others. A doctor sees every patient as an opportunity to make an impact.

2. Others want to be part of a bigger organization and have a scalable contribution longer term. Think about aspirations around contributing to more creative and inclusive organizations.

3. And there are other people who find meaning at societal level. My actions and work have a bigger impact above individuals and organization. These are people who want to get involved in politics, NGOs, research or do social entrepreneurship.

4 Things You Can Do Today

Living a more meaningful life is not a matter of reflection and vision only. It requires action. Often, action followed by reflection will lead us in the right direction. All of us have a purpose in this world. A unique mission, so personal that you'll not find two people sharing the exact same one. My own journey to find more purpose began a few years ago when I started to reflect on my strengths and wanted to focus on having more impact around me, rather than spreading myself too thin across too many areas and activities. I will list a few reflection exercises that helped me in my own journey, but everyone’s journey is unique and it will evolve in a different way. All you need to do is start somewhere, today.

1. Assess the important areas of your life.

If we want to live more meaningful experiences, we can start by looking at our current life and assess how we feel about each area: work, health, love, play. I wrote about the Designing Your Life framework in a previous post. You can go through steps 2 to 5 and reflect on those things that bring you most satisfaction in each area of your life. As you start to intentionally choose to focus on those activities that bring you flow and energy, you will do less of the things that drain your energy and leave you unfulfilled.

2. Find Your Unique Ability

I wrote before about this idea, in the context of finding your superpower. This concept was developed by Dan Sullivan, from the Strategic Coach, an organization that helps entrepreneurs become more successful and happier. According to this concept, your unique ability is made of four elements:

1. An obvious superior ability that other people notice and value.

2. You love doing it and you want to do it as much as possible.

3. It’s energizing for you and others around you.

4. You keep getting better at it and you feel you’re on the path to mastery.

Make a list of ten people you trust and whose opinion matter to you. It can be family, friends, colleagues, a mix from different areas of your life. Send them a short message and tell them that you are working on better understanding your unique talents. Ask them this simple question: “What do you think my unique ability is? Something that I have or I do very well, that makes a difference?” Seeing yourself through the lens of other people is extremely powerful and it helps you understand yourself from a totally new perspective.

You will then read the answers and try to find some patterns. It could be that the pattern is so obvious that you will wonder “How could I not see this?” Or it might be that people see different unique abilities in you and you will need to spend more time making sense of the feedback and relate it back to how you feel about those things. In either case, this simple exercise will give you a great base to start thinking about your strengths and passions.

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3. Coaching and mentorship

Working with a coach or a mentor is one of the most effective ways to get to the outcome you want, not only because it’s a personalized approach that guides you through the exercises that work for you, but also because it adds a layer of accountability to everything you say you want to do. Richard Feynman once wrote that “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool”. What is the most important before you start any coaching or mentoring journey, is to first clarify for yourself what you want to achieve.

4. Journaling

You probably read and hear everywhere how effective journaling can be for our mental well being. Well, it is. Taking a few minutes every day to reflect on what is happening, how we react and how we feel, helps us better understand our behaviors. Cultivating self awareness and a growth mindset has a direct impact on our interpersonal interactions and the quality of our relationships. If you don't know where to start, this post from Ryan Holiday will definitely help you.

And remember to regularly reflect back the 5 Ps of finding meaning: Perspective, Prioritization, Planning, Practice and Presence.

This article is an abridged version of “If You Want More Meaning, Start With Purpose”, originally published on www.sparkingdrive.com on December 23, 2022

Copyright ? 2024 by?Teodora Takacs. All Rights Reserved