If You Want to Get Free, Follow Your Fear

I’ve started writing this edition many times over the last year, but I couldn’t ever get it to make sense. It was like my voice had gotten lost somehow. Maybe it’s partly because I spend so much time writing for other people or because I’ve been deeply sleep-deprived because of a tiny (now 6-month-old) little babe.?

But I’ve missed sharing the nuanced intricacies and raw bits of myself while simultaneously enjoying being faded into the digital background, immersed in living life – shedding version after version of myself as soon as it no longer fits comfortably. The thought of re-emerging as this newest version of me, one that I barely know feels even more challenging but here goes...

For most of 2023, I was a part of this magical, spiritual unfolding that’s hard to explain. It was a beautiful blur of illusions and capital ‘T’ truths that hit hard. During that time, I opened a space dedicated to clearing energy blocks and, dare I say, ‘healing.’ I cringe a bit saying that, but I don’t know how else to describe what I was fortunate to witness.

It was beautiful until it wasn’t. Just as quickly as it all came together, it dissolved, like a fever dream and I was left wondering if it had even happened at all.

All of my life, I've had access to small glimpses into the future—sort of like the universe’s way of giving me just enough to nudge me down a path. In that snapshot in my mind’s eye, I'm left with an intuitive knowing of something that I have to do. That’s how the space, which we called the ‘House of Magdalene’ came into existence.

Call it intuition or call it idiocy—I've learned to embrace it and go all the freaking way with it (after two decades of trying to fight it). If I have an intuitive knowing, I follow the path that’s laid out, never deterred by the judgment or fear that can often come with some of the seemingly problematic actions that must be taken.

You would think with this ‘knowing’, there would be less fear, but there is still often A LOT of fear associated with these undertakings and I don’t always go quietly or without complaint.

Even when outwardly all signs scream "turn back," I keep going. And that's not a brag. I'm bullheaded to a fault, but I'm here to experience it all. I'd rather endure heartache and discomfort than sit on the sidelines wondering, what if I had…?

I talked a big game many a newsletter ago when I shared about doing an integrity cleanse. That’s the minor leagues compared to the integrity enema that 2023 was. Though I was sure of the path that I had to take, it meant committing to the guaranteed pain, failure and heartache that came along with the adventure, growth and love I glimpsed. To many people, I looked like I had lost my mind, but I had never been more sober and sure.

I knew where I was heading and was led by something that I can only describe as “greater than myself”. Though the journey kicked my ass thoroughly, I knew the universe was clearing the way for something greater—something more aligned.

Like all enemas, it was neither pretty nor comfy, but damn, I felt lighter on the other side.

I’ve noticed that when it’s time to transform, life takes on a fiery energy and burns away every single person, place or thing not for you. This particular wildfire claimed more friendships than I can count, communities that I thoroughly enjoyed being a part of, a business and all of the associations through that, my little bungalow near the lake, a dear family member and an identity that I had become very comfortable with.

It all had to go.

And in those spaces where something ended, something new flowed in that was better than I could have even imagined.

The life I am living currently wasn’t even on my radar as something I could have, let alone one that I would desire.?

I am grateful that I haven’t always gotten what I wanted, but I’ve gotten exactly what I needed when I needed it. And I’ve become more trusting and patient as things take shape in the liminal, in-between waiting spaces.

I’ll likely continue to happily ignore the “wrong way” signs because I’m realizing that sometimes, no matter how aware of your patterning you are, your body will keep on trying to protect you from the ways you’ve been hurt before. Maybe some of those signs are there to throw us off. To keep us in fear and away from what we truly desire until we surrender and learn the lessons meant for us.

People often say to “follow your bliss” and that’s great advice if you want to stay comfortable and devoid of growth. But if you, like me, desire to be free of all of your old stories and even cultural/societal stories that no longer serve you, you’re going to have to follow where fear leads.

Just know that you’ll always end up somewhere truer than where you started.?