Are You A Victim of Unhealthy Boundaries?

What if everything you are experiencing in your life right now is due to decisions you have made in the past?

I know, that one hurt. I’m not saying this to make you angry or upset (seriously, put down the mug. No one wins if you hurl your coffee across the room). I’m saying this to empower you.?

Years ago, I was married to a victim. No, he had never been physically or sexually assaulted. He wasn’t abused as a child or attacked as an adult. I don’t mean that kind of victim. I mean, everything in the world happened TO HIM. He just couldn’t figure out why the universe and all of its inhabitants were conspiring against him. Bosses? Against him. Banks? Against him. Credit card companies? Against him. His family? Against him. The world was out to get him, and boy, did it ever!

Of course, none of that was true. He overdrew his bank account (frequently) because he spent more than he made and didn’t bother to keep records. He got into trouble at work because he was often late and unprepared. The credit card companies came after him because he racked up debt and then ignored it. We won’t get into his legal troubles here, but suffice to say, he didn’t think those were his fault either.

Sheryl, I came here for boundary tips. Why are you talking about your ex-husband?

I’m getting there. I promise.

I watched a video from Will Smith years ago, where he discussed the difference between fault and responsibility. “It’s not someone’s fault if their father was an abusive alcoholic, but it’s for damn sure their responsibility to figure out how they are going to deal with those traumas and try to make a life out of it.”

And with this… I get to my point about boundaries.

Are You a Victim?

If we get stuck in the “it’s not my fault” storm, we are essentially victims. Things happen TO US without any input or action on our part. What a scary world that would be. Imagine having absolutely no control over the outcomes in your life.

You would just be moving along, enjoying your leafy green veggies, roasted chicken, and green tea… boom! You gained 100 lbs. overnight.

Or perhaps you were saving 20% of your paycheck each month, living below your means… boom! Your healthy savings account disappears overnight.

Are those scenarios possible? Absolutely. I’m sure there’s a disease or medicine that makes you gain weight rapidly, and bank glitches happen. However, if you find yourself in either of these situations, it’s more than likely because you have been eating way too much unhealthy food (… I type this as I slowly put a chocolate bar back into my desk) or because you have been prioritizing shopping over saving.

Boundaries, Sheryl. We are here about boundaries.

We are! And here it is:

What if you were living your life, setting healthy boundaries, and… boom! People are taking advantage of you, asking too much, and not respecting the lines you’ve set.

Is it possible? Yes. (Although you’d be tossing those people out of your life as quickly as you were going to throw that coffee cup). More likely, you’ve never set healthy boundaries, and people are treating you the way you have allowed them to treat you.

And let me be clear: if you didn’t grow up in a household where healthy boundaries were understood, taught, or allowed, it is not your fault that you don’t have them. But, it’s for damn sure your responsibility to learn them and do better moving forward.

Radical Responsibility

Fleet Maull wrote a book called Radical Responsibility, which defines the term as “the voluntary choice to assume or embrace 100% ownership for each and every circumstance we face in life, not as some kind of “should” or burden but rather as a conscious act of self-empowerment and the genuine exercise of personal freedom.”

This is how we break free of victimhood.

How does it relate to boundaries?

Shifting Your Mindset

When I wrote You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity, I made it very clear that “oh poor me” has no place in boundary work. Today is a new day, and whatever we’ve experienced or done in the past is an opportunity to learn from so we can do better moving forward.

There is no need for self-flagellation, excuses, or finger-pointing. When you stop being a victim and embrace Radical Responsibility, you become empowered.

Shifting Your Verbiage

Now that you understand you have the power to create healthy boundaries, it’s time to fix your language.

“They expect me to do too much” becomes “I have allowed them to expect me to do too much.”

Clunky? Absolutely. Empowering? Heck yeah!

Because now, you get to STOP allowing them to expect too much. You get to STOP doing all the things for all the people. Now, it’s time to be treated the way you want to be treated.

Shifting Your Life

You have taken the first step on your boundary journey by releasing the shackles of victimhood and slapping on the Wonder Woman-esque cuffs of Radical Responsibility. You have the power to set healthy boundaries now. Use that power to shape your new reality.

Conclusion

Never blame yourself for not being taught something as a child. We have no control over how we are raised. However, we have full control over what we do from this day forward.

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About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with?individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

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