Are you a victim of DARVO in your divorce?

Most of the women I work with don’t see themselves as being in an abusive situation. Some of them aren’t - divorce is difficult, and tempers will flare, but there is no abuse in the relationship. For others, though, they come to me overwhelmed, confused and unable to trust themselves to make decisions. They don’t feel as though they’re being abused. They just feel as though they can’t cope with everything. And, very often as we work together, we find that this is because their soon-to-be-ex is manipulating them.?

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a common tactic used in domestic abuse situations, and often leads to an escalation of abusive behaviours. In this blog we’ll take a look at what it means and the impact it has in your divorce.?

What is DARVO?

DARVO occurs when you try and call out a perpetrator’s bad behaviour, they deny it, claim that you’re the one being abusive, and that they’re the victim. In general it looks something like this:

Deny: ‘No, I didn’t, how dare you!’

Attack: ‘You’re the problem, you always do [whatever the issue is]

Reverse victim and offender: ‘I can never do anything right, you always have a go at me’.

I see these scenarios play out all the time with my clients. One common issue is not being listened to. How many conversations have you had with your spouse, or soon-to-be-ex along these lines:

You: Please don’t talk over me, I just need you to listen to me.

Them: You’re always shutting me down, I’m not allowed to have an opinion anymore.

When your soon-to-be-ex uses DARVO as a tactic, this usually leads to two things over time: escalation from them, and a trauma response from you. Let’s take each of these in turn.?

A real life example of DARVO in divorce

One of my clients, Linda, has an abusive husband. He spent their marriage putting her down, making her feel small, and blaming her for everything that went wrong. And, despite the fact that they are separated, and he is the subject of a restraining order, the DARVO behaviours continued, and escalated.?

A few weeks ago Linda was notified by her email provider that an email address with her husband’s name was attempting to hack her account. As her husband is bound by a restraining order, Linda contacted the police. The evidence was clear.?

However, Linda’s husband didn’t concede he was in the wrong. When he spoke with the police, he accused Linda of harassment. He has claimed she is the abuser, and he is going to seek legal advice.?

How has this affected Linda? She is now in fear of a protracted legal battle - whether her husband goes ahead or not, the damage is done, her fragile peace of mind, and the safety she felt from the restraining order, is already disrupted.?

And she’s questioning herself - was it really her husband’s email address? Did she imagine it? Is she sure? (To be clear, it was, and she was absolutely correct to contact the police).

This is the effect DARVO can have on you - which is what we’ll look at in more detail now.?

The trauma response to DARVO in divorce

When we experience trauma, even momentarily, the amygdala in our brain gets hijacked. And we go into a trauma response, often expressed as fight/flight/freeze/fawn.?

Fight: you’re ready to attack, squaring up to fight off threat

Flight: you go into avoidant mode, desperate to get away from the threat

Freeze: you shut down, unable to process or respond

Fawn: you cope by wanting to please your aggressor, to make the trauma stop.

While each of these responses will show themselves differently, what they all have in common is that they stop you thinking clearly. Rather than consider the big picture, you’re hyper focused on dealing with the trauma in front of you, in whatever way possible for your survival. Because that’s the state your brain has gone into - survival mode.?

What does this look like in divorce? When you respond in fight mode, the situation escalates. Forward momentum with divorce goes out of the window, as both sides are desperate to win the fight in front of them.?

In flight mode you’ll do anything to avoid the growing heap of doom divorce and your soon-to-be-ex are laying at your door. And the more you avoid it, distracting yourself with work, children, anything, the more doom-laden you feel.

In freeze mode, any processing ability goes out the window. Your brain can’t respond to requests for information, you can’t make plans, you’re stuck.

And in fawn mode, you just want to make it right so they stop behaving badly. You’ll give in to your soon-to-be-ex’s unrealistic demands, you’ll even check in with them to see if they’re okay.?

Does any of this sound familiar? It’s something the majority of my clients experience, one way or another.?

DARVO creates a new, harmful normal

Over time your nervous system becomes dysregulated. It becomes so used to having to fend off attack that the slightest curveball can leave you overwhelmed. Your child’s off sick, or you get called into a meeting at work, or a bill comes, and you start to panic. Your head starts to spin, you sweat, you feel sick, everything feels too much. ‘It’s all just too much’ is something my clients tell me all the time.?

And divorce is a lot - there’s no getting away from that. But believe me when I say you are capable of handling it. You are a competent adult, you can do this. Your soon-to-be-ex is behaving manipulatively to weaken you. And the very first step is to realise that.?

The next step is to find ways to soothe your nervous system. I’ll go more into techniques for this in a future blog, but for now, I suggest two things: change your body state, and get the best help you can. What do I mean?

Change your body state

Trauma affects you on a biological, and neurobiological level. It affects your organs, including your heart, digestive system, and your brain. So, very often, you can’t reason your way out of traumatic overwhelm. But doing something different with your body, such as:

• Taking slow deep breaths
• Yoga stretches
• Going for a walk
• Doing EFT

Will help to shift you from a panic state, so your rational brain can get a foot in the door again.

Get the best support you can

Best doesn’t have to mean the most expensive, let me clarify that straight away. I simply mean choose to surround yourself with people you really trust. If you’re relying on friends and family, turn to the ones who won’t undermine you, and can offer genuine support.?

If you’re enlisting professionals, make sure you feel comfortable and confident to be yourself with them, and ask them about their experience of abusive situations. You don’t have the time or energy to try and filter the helpful nuggets from the unhelpful, so make sure you choose people who are only going to help you move forward, with no string attached.?

I’m the UK’s only trained High Conflict Diversion Specialist, and I have over a decade of experience supporting women like you to navigate divorce on their terms, whatever power games are going on. And I’d love to support you.?

Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com

Just book a free call to see how I can help.?

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