Are you using the right style to get what you want?

?Lee – I tried to ask my boss to give me more responsibility by taking the lead on facilitating a team workshop and he told me that I don’t have management experience, so I can’t run that section of the training. This scenario was presented to me by a professional who attempted to make a request but got shot down, and in turn felt discouraged. Here, I shared with her that our communication style is just as important as the substance of our communication. There are four major communication styles that pertain to turning complaints into requests. They are: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive. Only the assertive style will yield the desired results.

What do I mean by using each of these styles with the example above? The manager passively stated her wish to her boss versus assertively asking him for an opportunity. Her passive approach sounded something like: “It would be great if I could facilitate the team workshop; when you get a chance, I’d appreciate it if you let me know if I could play that role.” No action took place on his part – because her deeply embedded request was conditional, hypothetical, theoretical – anything but clear and direct. I call it the doormat request – providing the other person with a place to keep stepping forward. Yes, it’s polite, but it’s too passive to activate a positive outcome.

The problem in typical communication scenarios is that we tend to go from one extreme to the other. We attempt the passive approach, hopefully assuming the other person will jump to meeting our needs. After a few passive attempts, we build up frustration and resentment, and then we often go to the opposite aggressive style of communication. If the manager swung towards that exacerbated side of the pendulum, she might say something like: “I’ve been here all this time, put in all this effort, and it’s my turn to facilitate the team’s workshop; otherwise, I’m not going to waste my time and will begin setting up interviews with other departments. In her mind, it makes sense for her to go towards that I’ve tried to ask nicely and have to demand or leave approach, but to her supervisor, she’s coming off as threatening, self-involved, and clearly not a team player.

Sometimes we don’t proceed all the way from passive to aggressive in our communication style. We make a stop half-way at the passive-aggressive midpoint and try to make our point and get our way without having to take responsibility. In the example above, the manager begins to apply for a reassignment and not play a strong supportive role to the team members leading the team workshops. She might make comments like: “I thought I wasn’t ready yet” or “seems like you’ve got it handled” or “I’m busy with all these other administrative tasks you said are priorities.” The passive-aggressive style combines the negative aspects of passive and aggressive – and most certainly does not lead us to improved relationships, even if we think we’re somehow getting closer towards are desired results.

The best communication style is diplomatically direct. The assertive style is one where we express our needs, wants, and feelings, directly and honestly. We are open to feedback and eager to do what it takes to accomplish our goals. We are respectful of others’ perspectives and views, and we collaborate to reach common ground. It’s the only style out of the four described here focused on creating connection. Turning her complaint into a request using this elevated assertive style, the manager went back to her supervisor and asked: “Will you let me take the lead as the facilitator at next month’s team workshop?”

Guess what? He didn’t say – “Of course, why didn’t you ask sooner, or why didn’t I think of that?” Assertive asks don’t mean we get our way immediately, and if we don’t, we give up and revert to the negative communication styles. Asking assertively meant that she created an open loop with the ‘will you’ opener to have her boss respond with a counteroffer: “I appreciate your willingness, but you don’t have the experience to answer the questions they’ll be asking you in that workshop.” That response got the manager closer to understanding her supervisor’s decision, and allowed her to formulate the follow-up: “will you help me build up the competencies required to develop the experience, provide me with opportunities to co-lead these workshops, and schedule run-throughs with me so I can practice responding to various questions?” She was able to make small wins and get incremental ‘yes’ responses that shifted her from a complaint mode to a place of connection.