Are You Trying Not to Care About What Others Think?

“You shouldn’t care what other people think of you.” It’s a statement banded around all over the place; dangled in front of us as the ultimate goal. But it’s actually not helpful advice at all. Here’s why…

Do you care about what other people think of you?

Take a few moments to really dig deep and answer that question. Go on. It’ll be worth it. 

Don’t just answer it from a conscious place, spouting off what you think the answer should be; but also answer it by listening to the whispering unconscious voices that are running patterns and programs in your mind. 

I’m going to take a stab in the dark (okay… perhaps it’s more of a well-researched thought based on years of evidence from clients and, well – everyone I’ve ever talked to) that, on some level you do care about what other people think of you.

When you feel into that, I want you to also notice any resistance or self-judgement that this brings up…

“Damn it! I wish I didn’t care so much.”

“Ah man – I really thought I’d moved past this!”

With this, what we’re ultimately saying is that it’s wrong to care about what other people think of us.

“I don’t care what other people think,” is something stated so proudly by people who (sorry to burst your bubble) massively care about what others think! I mean, come on – no one who doesn’t care would ever even think to utter those words. The concept would be so far from their radar that it just wouldn’t come up at all.

Oh, if I had a penny for every time someone said this to me, I’d probably be writing this blog from my luxury holiday home by the ocean right now (which I’m not btw – that’s next year’s plan).

Yes – we’re often told that we shouldn’t care what others think of us. That we should stop this unhealthy practice.

For me, as someone who understands a whole heap about how the mind works, I’d say this is pretty terrible advice.

Let’s break it down with some ‘truths’:

1) Connection is key

One of the fundamental, intrinsic needs of human beings is that of connection – we need to feel connected to others. On a conscious level, we feel we need this for joy; on an unconscious level, we feel we need it for safety, security and survival (if we’re not ‘connected’, we’re kicked out of the clan and left to fend for ourselves which, to our primitive mind, equals death!).

So, if we stop caring about our connection with others, we feel an immediate sense of loss, fear and disconnection from ourselves (who we think we are), others and the world.

2) Self-judgement is harmful

When you think about the question I asked earlier and the potential self-judgements that came up for you (“I shouldn’t care.” “I should be more confident in myself.”), I want you to notice the feelings that come with this. It doesn’t feel good, does it, to judge and chastise yourself with the ‘shoulds’? 

Ultimately, you’re setting yourself a goal (to not care what others think) that is pretty unachievable given the human desire for love, connection and belonging. We’re back to the “I must be perfect in every way” belief that causes so much angst (but that’s a whole other blog post… or ten!).

If you can let go of the need to stop caring about what others think of you, it’s amazing how this alone can see you less concerned about the thoughts of others.

3) Caring and worrying are two different things

Do you care what others think of you, or do you worry about what others think of you? Semantics, maybe – but clarity in language is crucial to our internal experience. 

The key here is that caring is natural and beautiful and loving – so it makes sense to care about others (what they think, feel, say, do). Worrying, however, is a pattern that we’ve adopted into our human experience that really serves no positive purpose. 

So, really ask yourself – are you caring or are you worrying?

If you’re doing the latter, then the issue to work on is more about your patterns of ‘worry’ rather than your stories of what others think of you.

4) Caring does not mean following

Our mind can sometimes tell us that, if we care about what others think, that means we will automatically have to agree with them and follow their advice. Of course, as soon as we step away and look at this through conscious, rational eyes, we see that this simply isn’t the case.

We can care about others and their opinions and still say: “Thank you, but that is not my path to follow.”

5) The mind does not understand ‘stop’

In order to not care what others think of you, the conscious mind immediately says: “I must stop doing this”, right?

The problem is, when you focus on stopping something, your unconscious mind gets confused (and in order to do anything long term, you need your unconscious on board). It sees that you’re focused on something and says: “Aha – that’s what you want! I’ll help you get that!” The problem is, the unconscious mind doesn’t understand negation (“do not”, “don’t”, “stop”); it only sees the “caring about what others think” part. 

Yes – by trying to stop caring, your mind is actually going to help you to care more!

And here’s the real ‘truth’…

Rather than focusing on stopping caring about what others think of you, focus on caring about what you think about yourself. 

Stop and read that sentence back to yourself a few times until you really hear it.

What we really want to get to – the ‘holy grail’ if you like – is a place where we can care about and deeply love ourselves so much that the only thoughts we see reflected back from others are those of love and kindness. 

You see, it really isn’t about the ‘others’ at all. Any thoughts we have about what they must think of us are exactly that: OUR thoughts. So the work to be done isn’t about them, it’s only ever about us.

While we’re on this journey of self-knowledge, self-understanding and self-love, let’s embrace how much we care about others, until we can step fully into the acceptance that the only voice we’re ever really listening to is our own, and so it’s the only one that truly matters. 

I’m curious…

1) Does your caring about what others think ever go into worrying about what others think?

2) How much do you really know yourself, love yourself and trust yourself right now? 

When you’re ready to do the transformational mindset work that’ll help you to know, love and trust yourself so much that what others think will be completely off your radar, take a look at my Master Your Mindset program.