Are you TOO responsible?

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“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.” —Dolly Parton

Ponder this…

As leaders, we are often reminded that the buck stops with us. And while taking responsibility is an essential element of strong leadership, we can also inadvertently become overly responsible, taking ownership of others’ emotions, mistakes, tasks, and problems.?

Do you often pay attention to the needs of others but neglect your own? Do you frequently remind others what needs to be done and get annoyed by how irresponsible they seem? Or say “yes” to most things you’re asked to do — but then feel resentful? If something goes wrong, do you feel the entire weight of that outcome? If so, this newsletter is for you.?

Yes, there are greater faults than being too responsible, but when the scales tip too far, it can cause problems for you and your team. Overly responsible leaders can feel consistently overloaded, overwhelmed, and burned out. But it’s not just your well-being that will suffer. Your overactive sense of responsibility can actually disempower others, reducing their confidence in their own abilities. And because emotions are often contagious, if you feel overwhelmed or resentful, your team will pick up on it.?

Helping others makes us feel good; it reduces stress, helps us avoid conflict, and feel more competent. That good feeling is often reinforced by those around us, making over-responsibility a tough habit to break. Don’t wait until you’re burned out and resentful; use these strategies to find a better balance.

Examine your assumption

Over-responsibility doesn’t usually happen overnight. It can start as early as childhood, and easily become entangled with your sense of self, especially if being super responsible has previously served you. Your beliefs about your role and responsibility can keep you stuck in unproductive behavior. To start overturning your habits, examine the fears and beliefs that keep them alive. Are they really true??

If you’re reluctant to release your responsibility, consider that when you expect others to solve their own problems, struggle with a task, or own up to a mistake, you’re actually empowering them to develop their competence and confidence.

Return to sender?

Whether you willingly assumed a given responsibility or it was imposed on you, it’s time to return it to its rightful owner. Take inventory of what you’re doing on a daily basis. What are you taking on that should belong to someone else??

Start small, and identify one responsibility you can return to a specific person. It could be a simple task, like writing email updates. When you approach the person the responsibility should belong to, communicate what you’re doing and why, and then collaborate on a transfer plan. You might say something like, “I recently audited everything on my plate. I’ve been writing the update emails on this initiative, and this responsibility should really belong to you. I’d like you to take it over starting next week. What do you need from me to make this a smooth transition?”

There will probably be a few hiccups along the way, but resist the temptation to jump back in, or you’ll end up right back where you started.

What are you really responsible for?

When we are overly responsible, we often overestimate our share of the responsibility. So when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, this simple pie chart exercise can help you more accurately assess how much you’re really responsible for and offer relief. I’ll use a client, Alec, a partner at a law firm, as an example.??

Grab a piece of paper, and list everyone involved in the particular situation you’re trying to sort out. In Alec’s case, that was the CEO, the executive, the board, a team of strategy consultants, and other legal counsel. Now, draw a circle on your paper and allocate responsibility for the situation to each person or group on your list, giving each of them a portion of the pie. Then, add up those amounts and determine the remaining percentage. That amount is a much closer approximation of your actual share of responsibility. For Alec, despite being conservative with his estimates, his pie piece amounted to a paltry 5%.?

Accept help

For overly responsible people, it’s very easy to say “yes” whenever others as for help. But when it comes to asking for and accepting help yourself, it can feel downright impossible. It’s time to rebalance that ratio.?

Start with the easier option: accepting an offer of help. When someone asks if they can take something off your plate, say “yes.” Remember the good feelings you’ve received after helping someone else? Your acceptance of their offer allows them to enjoy the same positive feelings, so don’t worry about burdening them.?

Once you’re feeling comfortable, start asking for support when you need it. Make your requests specific and well-defined; a vague “I could use some help on this” won’t translate, but “I need you to track the due dates on this project” will. Asking for help can also benefit your team, increasing everyone’s feelings of positivity, inspiration, and connection.?

Empathy doesn’t require burdening yourself

Today's workforce is more willing to be vulnerable and to share personal challenges — crucial for fostering a sustainable and mentally healthy workplace. However, leaders who feel overly responsible may take the problems of their team members, even personal ones, adding to their own emotional load. Empathy is an essential to great leadership, but in excess, it can leave you emotionally and physically drained.?

Finding a balance between emotional empathy and cognitive empathy can help you protect yourself. While emotional empathy involves feeling what others feel, cognitive empathy is about understanding another person’s thoughts and feelings from their own perspective. To cultivate more cognitive empathy, focus on gathering more information and ask questions to gain a clearer understand of their feelings. By responding as an information seeker instead of acting as an emotional sponge, you can still demonstrate compassion, while avoiding becoming collateral damage in the process.?

Show yourself compassion

Changing behavior is notoriously difficult. It can be a slow, uncomfortable process, so be compassionate as you shift into these new patterns. You may also need to extend that patience to those around you if they’ve come to rely on and depend on you to take on their burdens. When setbacks pop up, remember that they are a normal part of the change process. Berating yourself won’t do any good. Instead, reframe a lapse as an opportunity to Ask yourself: What can I learn from this setback? And what can I do to get back on the right track?

As you do this work, remember it’s not about shirking your responsibilities but about finding a healthy and sustainable balance. You’ll avoid unnecessary stress and empower others only by taking on 100% of your responsibility —?but not more.?

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