Are You Telling Your Children the Truth?

Are You Telling Your Kids the Truth? 5 Hard-Hitting Lessons Professional Parents Need to Shape the Next Generation of Leaders

He was yelling at me – “don’t touch me. F*** you!”

I kept my arms on his chest, at arms distance, and in a calm voice asked him to back off. He continued screaming “take your hands off me you nasty pig”. And I reiterated that if he stopped invading my personal space and shoving me in the chest then I would not put my hands on him.

This was a 13-year-old young man, and this interaction was on the very first day we met. Later that evening, he put a woman on site in a choke hold. I asked him to let go or I would physically intervene.

He let go but transferred the anger elsewhere, deliberately barging into an area of the building which was off bounds for them. He wanted to attack the staff inside that area and wreak havoc by destroying the computer terminals.

I intervened, physically restraining him and guiding him out of the no-go zone. He didn’t like it and said he was going to call the police. I assured him it was okay to call the police and I was willing to get him to the phone if he so wished.

He didn’t call the police. But his aggressive behaviour towards all escalated throughout that week (it was already his baseline before I stepped foot in that place). In that week alone, I had physically restrained him three times.

Ditto one year later, we are attending an art exhibition by children and young people when he walks away from them, calls me aside, and tells me “The kids here are disrespectful to staff. Okay, I know sometimes I get angry, but I respect the professionals who work with me”.

But what changed?

How did we go from “Don’t touch me you f****** pig” to “I respect the professionals who work with me”?

I told him the truth. That’s what changed. I told him the truth about the realities of life.

I see adults struggling with raising children and young people the proper way. I see adults struggling to inculcate a healthy sense of shame and fear in teenagers and toddlers. I cry when I see teachers at every level putting up with disrespect from young people, and looking lost, not knowing what to do.

I have seen professionals on psychiatric wards who have taken a completely hands-off approach when it comes to patients who become aggressive towards others.

Why?

Because they have conflicting messages on restrictive practice. They are told by some that human rights means when a patient on the ward becomes an obvious danger to self or others, you cannot use your professional judgement to put them in seclusion, give them rapid tranquilisation or simply step in and attempt to physically guide them or others away from the hotspot.

I started off with young people and sneakily took you to a psychiatric ward.

Why?

Because the underlying mechanisms of what’s wrong in both scenarios are the same.

The thing is, we have become a society of “political correctness” and that’s making us, on the surface, to appear soft and kind, while on a deeper level, we are turning everyone into a highly entitled, inconsiderate brute.

We are not telling our children the truth.

And when they turn out problematic with no social skills of collaboration and no understanding of what makes a good citizen, we blame everyone else but ourselves.

But enough with the rhetoric. How do you help your child or the young people in your ambit become responsible, decent citizens of the future? How do you go from being afraid, frustrated and resentful of their behaviour and turn into a mentor that holds them accountable for their nonsense but also has fun days with them?

I will tell you how in five key steps.

But before I show you the fire-step stairway to telling your children the truth, let me elaborate on one key point – healthy boundaries.

The key to telling your children and other young people the truth, the key to starting them on the path to becoming good citizens and competent, sociable adults is teaching them how to keep healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries at work, at school and at home.

And it’s pretty simple: Don't be the tough, firm mentor who never lets them get way with any form of nonsense.

Don’t be the people-pleasing mentor who lets them get away with murder every single time and bribe them with sweet-nothings to keep them on their best behaviour.

Instead, be both firm and soft. Occasionally, ignore the little slip-ups they make, as long as these won’t bring your world or their world to a crushing end. Every so often, teach them lessons in a playful way. Snatch ad-hoc moments of opportunity to teach useful but difficult life lessons. And when they want to bring the roof down, step on your brakes real hard and take no prisoners.

And now, here are the five hard-hitting lessons that will make it easy to tell your children the truth.

Call them the 5 steps to nurturing next-generation leadership.

Step 1: Stop calling them children!

When they hit their teenage years, stop calling them children. Instead, call them young men or young women. Why? Because, realistically, and biologically,, they are actually men and women once they hit that stage of development.

At 13 years old one’s spermatozoa and ovules are mature enough to form an embryo which will turn into a human being. So biologically, 13-year-olds have been deemed by nature to be adult enough to make babies.

In the current socio-economic global dispensation, it’s not advisable for 13-year-olds to start a family. Why? Because we give people the full skills to start earning a living that can support dependents only when they complete university or similar training at about 21 years of age.

In times gone by, 13-year-olds were in a position of ability to successfully make and raise babies. But let’s not cry over spilt milk or debate the practicalities of this biological reality.

The key lesson from this developmental biology is that at 13 years old, a human being is no longer a child. They have become a man or a woman.

So please STOP calling them babies or treating them like toddlers who you can excuse from all responsibility.

Also remember that from a neurophysiological perspective, it’s at 13 years old that human brains acquire the ability for true abstract thinking. Which is why you never see child prodigies in philosophy but see many child prodigies in music and mathematics and drawing.

Let me explain.

Maths and music and drawing are straight forward endeavours. They are of the type 1+1 = 2. And human brains have this architecture for induction and deduction at this level of thinking from day one, when they are still neonates.

However, higher order thinking, of the type that calls for best scenario moral judgements, for example when one is between a rock and hard place, calls for a brain architecture that supports abstract thinking. You are not born with this ability. It only kicks into gear when you hit your teenage years.

In other words, by the time you are 13 years old, not only can you produce a baby, you have brain has matured to higher order thinking seen among adults. So when you call a teenager a baby or child, you are actually insulting their intelligence. ??

So, stop calling your teenagers children. And treat and engage with them as you would another normal adult human being.

Step 2: Stop pushing for their human rights!

Yes, I said it.

Human rights – throw them out of the window.

Okay, this is a joke. Don’t throw human rights on the dustbin of what doesn’t work for humanity.

However, on a serious note, STOP pushing for the human rights of your children. Instead, flip the human rights book and emphasize the responsibilities that come along with the principle of justice.

I had a conversation with a young man in school one day. And it was a long conversation about the fact that each individual human right has a responsibility attached to it. Simple example, it’s your right to listen to music; but equally it’s your responsibility to keep it low so that your neighbours get a decent night’s sleep.

It’s a right for a child or young person’s views, wishes and feelings to be heard. But equally it’s their responsibility to tolerate the views, wishes and feelings of others. It’s their responsibility to put their views across in a respectful way.

So, teach them their rights. But the most important thing you will do for your child today is show them the other side of the coin – tell them learning their responsibilities is a better way of having their human rights met.

Step 3: Stop begging (and bribing) them to do their chores!

Stop begging and bribing young people to clean their rooms or go to school or wash their plates after eating. They are not doing it for you. They are doing it for themselves.

They are not going to school to make you happy.

They are going to school to learn skills they will use to put food on their table later in life.

They are doing their chores so when they are adults, they have the agency to go to work without complaining. So that when they have children of their own, they don’t find changing of diapers overwhelming, but rather a simple, basic duty for them.

One of the signs of poor mental health is a decrease in the ability to maintain activities of daily living. Things like keeping one’s house clean. Things like brushing one’s teeth. Things like cooking and preparing one’s own meals.

So when children and young people are growing up, make them do chores at home and at school and wherever they are. And remind them it’s for their own sake. Don’t beg or bribe them into doing chores.

Doing chores is part of what a cognitively healthy human being does.

Step 4: Stop them from swearing!

This is a big one. And sometimes it’s hard to blame the children and young people. I mean, the adults swear too.

But swearing as a default form of communication is problematic. Forget the moral argument against swearing. Focus instead on the emotions behind swearing. The major emotions behind swearing are negative emotions.

Now, there’s an evolutionary reason why human beings have both positive and negative emotions. Negative emotions like anger, despite the bad rap they get, when used in the right context, are also a tool for ensuring human survival at the physical, emotional and biological levels.

But here is the thing – roughly 75% of one’s time on earth is navigated in social interactions that call for collaboration. And effective collaboration calls for a cool head and positive emotion.

On the other hand, negative emotions, by default, short-circuit reason and promote zero collaboration or superficial survival instinct collaboration.

So when swearing becomes the default go-to communication style for anyone, they are will, sure as day turns into night, go down the slippery slope of becoming anti-social and manipulative in their day-to-day interactions with others.

If tell your children that swearing is okay because they are free to express themselves however they want, they are being told a lie. Swearing is not okay.

STOP your children from using swearing as their default communication tool. Stop nurturing little dictators. If you don’t, be ready for the antisocial behaviour and manipulation they unleash towards you.

Step 5: Stop turning a blind eye to their disrespect!

Disrespect doesn’t promote social cohesion nor collaboration. We all know it. We all don’t want it.

So, stop turning a blind eye to disrespectful behaviour from the children and young people you interact with. Don’t turn into the morality police, calling out every young person you see on the streets. But for the ones in your direct care, help them learn to respect other people.

When young people are not taught to respect others, they are going to have a hard time in the workplace.

When they get to work and realise that company policies don’t tolerate nonsense.

When they realise that you cannot start running battles with other professionals or even clients.

When they wake up one day, they are of legal age, they spew some disrespect, and get cold cuffs put on them immediately before being shoved into a police cell.

Please STOP turning a blind eye to their disrespect.

How do you create future leaders?

Tell your children the truth.

You want them to turn out well socially, financially and emotionally.

Tell them they are young adults when they become teenagers. Tell them they have a responsibility to make others comfortable. Tell them they MUST do their share of the daily chores. Tell them to stop swearing and instead have useful, meaningful conversations with others. Tell them that disrespect for anyone is a no-go-zone.

I wish you the best in shaping tomorrow's generation of leaders.