Will You Take Yet Another Plunge With Me Down the Rabbit Hole?

Too many of us are confused. It's not our smartphones or apps that make friendships great, memorable, or worth the effort. We make the relationships—PEOPLE…REAL LIVE PEOPLE. We, the people, make them real, exciting, and worth investing in and growing.

Here we go. Buckle up, and let's get going…try and stay the course….

In the 17th century, Pascal said:

"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone." Sound like any of us? Restated for today, he might say: All our miseries derive from not being able to be without a device in our hand…ever.

In 1903, the German sociologist Georg Simmel argued, in an essay called "The Metropolis and Mental Life,” that in cities with technology…

"Stimulations, interests, and the taking up of time and attention... carry in it a stream which scarcely requires any individual efforts for its ongoing."?

Today? Exponential.

In April of 2016, The New York Times reported:

“A Gallup poll last year (2015) found that 73 percent of Americans ages 18 to 29 checked their devices a few times an hour -- including 22 percent every few minutes. Fifty-nine percent of respondents ages 30 to 49 said they looked at their phones a few times an hour.”

In 2022, Gallup went back and asked them the follow-up question:

The percentage of U.S. adults saying they use their smartphone "too much" has increased markedly in recent years, rising from 39% when Gallup last asked this in 2015 to 58% today.

This sentiment was strongly age-contingent in 2015 and remains so now; however, all age groups have become more likely to express this concern. Also, this belief is pervasive not only among 20-somethings; smartphone users aged 30 to 49 (74%) are nearly as likely as those 18 to 29 (81%) to say they are on their phone too much. This contrasts with 47% of those 50 to 64 and 30% of those 65 and older.

The article (remember from 2016) goes on to describe NBA players checking their cell phones during halftime:

“Hawes [who plays for the Hornets] said that for his pregame nap—a customary routine in the league—he has needed to put his phone farther and farther from his bed. ‘So if I get the itch, I can't just roll over and throw away an hour scrolling and going down that rabbit hole.’”

Let's go down that rabbit hole and see where it leads.

The New York Times article I quoted continues:

The minutes after the final buzzer, when the players return to the locker room, can resemble the moment when a plane lands or a subway car emerges above ground: a mob of silent people, heads hovering over glowing screens, reading texts, emails and social media notifications

"You see everyone looking like zombies getting to their phones, trying to see what's going on and if they missed anything," Caron Butler of the Sacramento Kings said of the postgame scene.

Phil Jackson, the Knicks' president, told players this season that he preferred they not take their phones out at halftime, [the Knicks' Kevin] Seraphin said. "Phil's really old school. He doesn't want players to touch their phones. I mean, you can take your own risk, but he doesn't really like it."

Dear reader, this is almost 10 years ago….It's only gotten worse!

Anyone who has ever watched the pre- or postgame, a movie, or a show (think Ted Lasso) about professional sports knows that the locker room is not supposed to look like a morgue—not during halftime and surely not after the game ends. And why does wanting players to focus make Phil Jackson old school? By Ted Lasso's day, he didn't even bother….

Like many, I am an addict, too. Unless it's my 24-hour Sabbath (Friday night to Saturday night) or a Holiday…my devices are glued to my hand, my fingers itch, and my eyes wander and...you know the rest.

Yet, as I have written in the past, we need to be cognizant that it is an addiction and find discrete occasions to resist the temptation of doing the Alice in Wonderland thing and blindly following the rabbit. And like all addictions….things around us suffer…the people around us, to be sure…the most.

Mobile technology—that is, technology that gives us mobility—is liberating, empowering, enabling, and galvanizing, and it gives us all the power to connect everywhere and anywhere in ways constantly being made new. It should be a boon for making "real" friends…no?

But who and what are we connecting to, about what, and for what purpose?

Back in January 2015, The Guardian tackled the dichotomy of the mobile world in which we live in an article titled "Mobile Phones Have Changed the World for Better or Worse."

I encourage you to follow the link and read the piece in its entirety, but this one paragraph sums it all up for me:

“Is a concert a concert if you don't Instagram it? Is an untweeted [X today] thought worth a fig? If you don't log your gym session will your cardiovascular capacity really increase? A resounding yes to all three.”

Let me add a question for today…Is a friend a friend if you don’t actually talk to them, spend time with them, and just assume they will see your public or chat group posts?

As noted above, I have written about unplugging and reconnecting —something I do every week for 24 hours, as I am a sabbath observer. And every time I mention that fact and recommend that everyone find their own "sabbath" moment…no matter the day or length of time…I am barraged by readers telling me how doing that has given them a greater understanding and appreciation of "being in the moment" for the rest of the week. Being in the moment is what friendship is all about. Sabbath…any sabbath...is a friend incubator and accelerator.

Here is the truth:

In a 2015 study by the Pew Research Center that set the benchmark…that has only grown…89 percent of cell phone owners said they had used their phones during the last social gathering they attended. But they weren't happy about it; 82 percent of adults felt that how they used their phones in social settings hurt the conversation. Hurting conversations is not a prime action for making friends.

Which brings me to this:

Americans report having fewer friends. I ask my readers from all over to weigh in and share their views from home.

The share of Americans reporting 10 or more close friendships decreased from 1990 to 2024, while the number reporting no friendships increased from 1 to 17 percent.

Between 1990 and 2024, the percentage of Americans who say they have no friends, not counting relatives, surged.

And there you have it. The value of friendship has taken a big hit...and that is in a world where we think we are more social than ever.

Let me turn to one of the great philosophers of the last century and a particular icon of mine whom I have quoted before:

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’” —Groucho Marx

When Meta first launched Facebook, the winning metric was KPI'd as who had the most "friends." I asked then…"How do you judge who is a real friend?" as one user zeroed in on being the first with a million "friends." My metric was...Who would pick you up at the airport in the middle of the night? I remember the response was big and eye-opening…it stopped many cold.

My metric hasn’t changed. Although, I have added the jail…

1. Take the time to meet. To talk. To have a meal. Cup of coffee.
2. Have meaningful conversations. Don’t be scared. You needn’t agree on all…only have to agree to have respect.
3. Keep your devices hidden.

And everyone in a while, ask yourself the question…would they pick me up?

What's yours? And what do you think?