Are you so nice that leads you to be cruel?

Welcome to the 60th edition of the Leading with Empathy newsletter. I'm in the middle of another frantic period of travel and conferences and loving the chance to meet so many new, wonderful people.

Why Being Too Nice Can Hurt Your Leadership: Embracing True Kindness

In my line of work, I have the privilege of collaborating with truly remarkable individuals dedicated to making the world a better place. Among these, few shine brighter than School Business Managers, School Administrators, and Education Professionals from esteemed associations like SASSPA, SBMAQ, IPSHA, and the IPS Alliance.

At various events, I'm often invited to speak about the importance of empathy in leadership. After my talks, I frequently hear the same line from some attendees:

"My boss asked me to come because, apparently, I need more empathy!"

Being told you need more empathy can be quite confronting. While conditions like Autism, Alexithymia, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are associated with low empathy, these individuals rarely fall into these categories. From my experience, they often present a tough exterior but possess genuine warmth and care beneath the surface.

When people tell me about their need for more empathy, there's usually a hint of humour or pride in their tone. This can sometimes mask the hurt they feel from how others perceive them. I recently met a person who exemplified this type of personality. She exuded strength and confidence, and approached me after my keynote, joking that I needed to join their table to "teach her empathy." Her no-nonsense attitude suggested she had little patience for those who don't meet her high standards.

Do you know someone like this?

The issue is not inherent meanness. Often, the problem lies in being too nice. I have seen this pattern repeatedly: a passionate, committed individual becomes frustrated when others don't match their dedication. Rather than addressing the issue, they remain silent and pick up the slack themselves, driven by a desire to achieve the best outcome for those they serve.

Unfortunately, this niceness often goes unnoticed or is taken for granted. The people who created the slack begin to expect the nice person to do the extra work, leading to growing frustration and a sense of unfairness. Eventually, the tension builds until the nice person can no longer contain it, resulting in an outburst. This explosion can be misinterpreted as stemming from a place of cruelty, but it's far from the truth. It's the result of a caring, compassionate individual pushed to their limit.

The real problem is not a lack of empathy but being too nice to give honest feedback. True kindness means caring about the team's performance enough to address issues directly, helping others improve rather than doing the work yourself. Kindness involves having difficult conversations early on to prevent frustration from building up.

Don't mistake someone hardened by frustration and disappointment for being uncaring. Often, their frustration is fuelled by their care. We need to remind these individuals that they shouldn't shoulder the burden alone. Instead, they should lead and support the growth of others, ensuring everyone can do better together.

Giving Hard Feedback - Free ebook

If giving feedback is a challenge for you or someone you know, here is something that might help. This is easily the most powerful tool I have found for giving feedback. Hopefully it can help you too... If you have any questions, please reach out.

Two Brilliant Interviews

Big thanks to the remarkable Miriam Wood and ever generous Raj Deepan for my latest episodes of the Leading with Empathy Podcast. Check out both here:

Thanks for reading, please let me know if you have encountered the debilitating niceness that turns into destructive frustration, let's help these wonderful people and create a world with more empathy.

Regards

Daniel