Are You a Skilled Self-Saboteur?

Do you ever stop yourself before you get started? You have an idea, a plan or a vision that excites you - and then you talk yourself out of it. Just yesterday, I came across two people doing this, without even realizing - and without any reason to doubt their abilities.

The examples from them, and others, are below.

1. Why I’m Not Right

You are a highly respected professional who has won multiple awards for their excellent work and are looking for a new role. A colleague recommends you to one of their former business partners, who is now in an organization that would truly benefit from your skills. What is even better - you would love to work for that organization. Your colleague sings your praises and connects you both. You send off your CV and then share how you think you are probably not right for the position and your experience may not be relevant.

This is a classic self-saboteur move, more often than not practiced by women.

2. Why Are They So Confident I Can Do This Job (And I'm Not!)?

A business partner is impressed by your consultancy work and speaks highly of you to an industry luminary, who then invites you for an interview. After 20 minutes of speaking, the industry luminary offers you a role in her team. You can’t understand how she could offer you a job so quickly, so you talk your way out of it. How can she be so confident in me, when I'm not even sure of my abilities?

What is going on here?

You seem to be doubting the industry luminary knows her mind and what she needs. What makes you surer than she is of your suitability for the role? Perhaps you are concerned that you won’t measure up to her standards, even though she is confident you will. Maybe you feel you don’t deserve this, even though you have a great track record and a respected professional who knows your work recommended you. Maybe there's a little fear of not performing 100% in line with expectations (probably yours) and you hate to disappoint.

3. Why It Won’t Work

You come up with a great idea and you know there is a market need for it. You are very excited for about 5 minutes and then you start to list all the many reasons that idea will fall flat. The criticism kicks in before the idea has even been allowed to float.

This is the curse of the perfectionist, blessed with a highly critical mind.

Ideally, what might you do in that situation? Perhaps use the ‘why it won’t work’ reasons as a checklist to refer to once you have started taking a few small steps towards building on and implementing the idea.

4. Why I Won’t Get the Help I Need

You are keen to lead a major product opportunity. Whilst there are many different players involved in making the project a success, you clearly have the skills to lead the project. You know there are some gaps in your knowledge and skill-set and you know others in the team can contribute and support you. You talk yourself out of raising your hand to lead the project.

You decide that others in the team won’t support you sufficiently or you convince yourself that others are better placed to lead this.

What is at the heart of self-sabotage and what do you do about it?

Fear: Fear of making a mistake, failure, or not being totally perfect.

Antidote: Take small, preferably rapid steps. Fail and learn quickly. Recognize when perfection is a perfect waste of time and effort. Recognize that your fear is simply alerting you to the fact that there is some risk in this situation - and control what you can and manage, as far as possible, what you can't. Engage others, ask for the help you need and ask for feedback.

‘Cannot Do’ Attitude: The mindset that focuses on why no, rather than why yes.

Antidote: If pessimism is a pattern, aim to counter with what you can do, what you can control – and take some small steps. Consider all the times you couldn't do something and then learnt how to. You couldn't read before you learnt to read.

Focusing on What Isn’t There vs What is There: You focus on what you lack rather than what you have. This could be you questioning your self-worth. You believe others are more intelligent, better qualified, more adept than you.

Antidote: There will always be someone, somewhere better than you at something. Could it be time to start focusing on what you have and building on that – rather than focusing on what you don’t have and lamenting that?

If you recognize any of your behaviours here, can you try to catch yourself in that moment of self-doubt, self-criticism, potential self-sabotage? Write down your thoughts and feelings around the situation - and then deploy some objectivity. If you find that difficult, engage a trusted friend or colleague to help you see your blind spots.

Or for deeper 'see yourself in the mirror' work, engage an executive coach to support you get out of your own way.

Andrea Stone is an Executive Coach and Leadership Development professional with over 25 years of international experience in marketing leadership roles and people development. She supports leaders and leadership teams to build on their success and wholeheartedly thrive.