Are you "should-ing" all over yourself?

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In the last few weeks, I’ve heard statements like this from my clients:?

Client A: “I should go for the big job; the one that will look good on my CV.”?

Client B: “I should focus on improving my networking skills.”?

Client C: “I should stick to paid employment, rather than go my own way.”?

Which is all very well except:?

Client A doesn’t actually want the big job because it would mean more stress, more hours, and less time to pursue his dream of becoming a published writer.?

Client B is a natural introvert, and the idea of networking brings her out in hives.?

Client C is done operating in a corporate box that doesn’t fit anymore, and aspires to build her own business.?

What’s in evidence here is something you might be familiar with.

These clients have been “should”-ing all over themselves.

Despite what their hopes, conscience and gut were telling them, they were pushing themselves to do something different. Something that didn’t align with what they actually wanted. Something they “should” do.

If we’re honest, this is a common occurrence for those of us that are human.?

Why?

Because we subscribe to what Vishen Lakhiani affectionately calls the “Brules”. AKA bullsh*t rules.

Rather than make decisions that are based on our own preferences, and which coincidentally feel great, we are swayed by ideas that come from people and systems external to our own selves.

Whether society, culture, creed, the education system, family, friends, and so on, the brules effectively dictate THE RIGHT WAY.?

They decree the specific path and steps we must follow.?

And so our choices are influenced wholeheartedly by what we think we “should” do, based on what we think others expect us to do.?

Over time this often merges to become our own expectation of ourselves, and the benchmark we hold ourselves to.?

But there’s a glaring problem: The brules aren’t based on who we really are and what works for us personally!

The result is that we force ourselves to do the “accepted” thing rather than what’s right for us, in the hope of gaining approval from others, or trying to fit a supposed “ideal”, or out of a sense of guilt.?

And it mostly feels awful.

If all of this resonates, fear not. There is a simple two-step process that can help you build confidence in making decisions that genuinely serve you and enhance your life :)?

The first step helps you identify when you might be subscribing to an unhelpful brule and heading for a “should” decision, rather than trusting your own instinct.?

All you need do is ask yourself this question:?

How does it feel??

Now this might seem ridiculously simplistic, but that’s the beauty of it.

What you’re looking for is whether the idea or decision you are considering feels like constriction or freedom??

Pay particular attention to your body’s physical reaction as you contemplate the options.?

If you get a weighty, uncomfortable, low energy, shackles-on type feeling, it’s highly likely to be a “should” decision, supported by a brule.?

But if it feels light, freeing, high energy and shackles-off, it’s likely to be what you actually want.?

Try this out with smaller decisions, just to get a sense of it.?

Do you want to make that family phone call??

Do you want to spend two hours making dinner??

Do you want to be the emotional support for a friend??

Give it a whirl and start to take notice of what you actually want versus what you feel you “should” do in your career, your life or your relationships.?

After practicing a little, step two is all about baby steps.?

When you notice you’re feeling pressured to adhere to a brule, challenge yourself to honour what you really want instead.?

Start really small to test it out.?

Don’t make that phone call if you don’t want to.?

Order food in, or put an oven meal on.?

Put a limit on the time you have available to emotionally support someone.?

Be aware that these kinds of actions will feel completely uncomfortable at first. They are also likely to generate self-judgement about how selfish, irresponsible or unkind you are.

But just pay attention to how it feels to honour your own path, and notice what actually happens when you make the right choices for you.?

Notice how the world doesn’t end.?

Notice how the people who really love you accept your decisions.?

Notice how your idea of what others will think often doesn’t come to pass.?

Notice how your own enforced benchmarks start to shift.?

And notice how much progress you make towards the life and career aspirations you really hold.?

So if you are moderating, suppressing or ignoring what you?actually?want in favour of doing what you think you are?supposed to do, give this a go.

I promise you’ll be positively surprised by the result!?

Alison x

P.S. If you'd like some inspiration from someone who is no longer following the brules, and is using his own philosophies to direct his courage, resilience and attitude to risk as he continues to chase his dreams, check out this podcast with my fascinating friend, Michael Taggart . You won't be disappointed!