Are You Settling for Second Best?

As I found my path in the professional world, I was proud that I had discovered an area in which I could excel, yet some nagging voice in the back of my head continued to remind me that PR wasn’t what I really wanted to do. I wanted to work as a writer or in a creative role in film or television. Yet, I cancelled interviews and shied away from connections that could have furthered that goal, convincing myself that no one would ever hire me for my skills or talent. Instead, I settled for second best. Not that public relations was a bad career choice. It allowed me to buy a house, care for my family, and come in contact with some truly brilliant people. But if I asked myself (which I rarely did) what I wanted to do with my life, it wasn’t even on the list. I had let fear become my guide.

           It took me until my mid-forties to figure out who I was and what I wanted in my personal and professional life. Having survived a tumultuous childhood and a rocky young adulthood, I’d come out the other side and had the battle scars to prove it. Eventually, the old me just didn’t fit anymore. In just one year, I left my corporate job, started my own business, published my first book, got divorced, lost thirty pounds and started over. It wasn’t an easy year and I don’t wish that on you. Rather, my goal with this book is to offer you a roadmap in how hope can fuel the positive beliefs and drive the meaningful behaviors that get you where you want to go, never settling for less.

           We often hear the term “settling” regarding romantic relationships. Did you settle for your significant other because you didn’t want to be alone? Did you settle because it was simply too frightening to go out and find someone new? Or did you settle because not doing so would mean that you’d have to look at yourself under the microscope and see what you needed to fix about you?

           Settling can happen in any part of your life: work, family, health, finances. Not that you can control every event. Bad things really do happen to good people. But if you know there’s more you can do, have, or become and you don’t strive for it, then, perhaps, you deserve what you get it. Harsh, I know, but that’s the reality. Ask yourself if you have ever experienced any of these signals that you’re settling.

Seven Signals That You’re Settling

1.    You have a dream or goal stuck way in the back of your head, but you never seem to take any action toward it. Maybe it’s changing careers, starting a business, having a child, or running a marathon. It’s like an earworm, also known as stuck song syndrome or musical imagery repetition (and, no, I didn’t make up those terms), that catchy melody or unforgettable lyric that you can’t get out of your head long after the music stops playing. You try to ignore it, but it’s always in the background, drumming that beat in your head and heart.

2.    You’re living the someday syndrome, keeping your goal in the later-on-in-life category. Guess what? You don’t know how long you have on this earth. Do you really want to wait around to see if you manage to squeeze in something you know in your heart of hearts is truly meaningful to you?

3.    You’ve let the green-eyed monster of envy and jealousy take up permanent residence in your gut. When you see other people succeeding, you find some way to attribute it to their education, money, nepotism or just dumb luck. You tell yourself that they have all the advantages that you don’t. Even if some or all of those are true, so what? By convincing yourself that if only you had all the great stuff those successful people do, you’re letting yourself off the hook from facing the reality of your situation, whatever it is, and doing the work.

4.    You’ve got a shrink-to-fit personality. You may have big dreams, but you tell yourself they’re just not realistic. Instead, it’s okay to keep plugging away at this safe, boring, little job. Or sticking with playing small rather than risk ruffling anyone else’s feathers. Or worse, failing at something. It’s like those amusement park Whack-a-Moles, if you just stay safely underground, no one can ever smack you.

5.    You’re a substitution junkie. Rather than get your high by fulfilling your dreams, you become obsessed with food, alcohol, television, news, social media or other diversions. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a food and wine person of the first order, but I don’t kid myself that earthly pleasures (including TV and movies, two more of my faves) are any kind of substitute for purposeful work or meaningful relationships.

6.    You’re a perpetual blamer of others. If you can’t have what you really want, it’s somebody else’s fault. It’s your boss holding you back. Or the government, the job market, your childhood. You can find a million excuses outside yourself for not getting what you want, but you know that the only one to blame is you.

7.    You’re hope-starved. Rather than feeding on positive ideas and inspiring people, you let the negatives of the world – and there are plenty of them – become your constant diet. You tell yourself that you don’t have what it takes, you don’t know how to get ahead, you don’t have the right skills or certifications, you're too old, too young, too dumb, too smart, or too whatever. The truth is, you’ve let your positive vision of the future get buried under other people’s negative rubble. It’s time to start digging out.

Awareness that you’re settling for less than you deserve could be the kick in the rear end you need to start focusing on what you really want. And even if you don’t particularly feel like you’re settling, let’s see how the practice of mentally connecting our present to our future can help us realize our vision.

Libby Gill is an executive coach and consultant, and the former head of communications and PR for Sony, Universal, and Turner Broadcasting. She is the author of award-winning You Unstuck: Mastering the New Rules of Risk-taking in Work and Life and Capture the Mindshare and the Market Share Will Follow.