Are you settling in love?

A few years ago, I settled into a life I thought I SHOULD be living, with a man that I wasn't truly in love with. And that was a whole journey of awakening, pain, lots of guilt, responsibility and feeling like a selfish c*w.

Through this journey I realised I had allowed this to happen and made decisions that were not for my highest good because essentially I had low self worth and love.

So you don't love yourself enough - but what the hell does that mean?

It took me quite a while to get my head around what self-love actually is.

Everybody's experience of self-love is different.

You reading this now, may experience it slightly different to how I see it and experience it, and that's absolutely perfect because I'm not living your life and you are not living mine. I have my language and self expression, and you have yours and your experiences that you draw on to understand or try and make sense of your own life.

A lot of our lack of self love comes from childhood. At some point in our childhood, our parents or caregivers did not meet our needs. And that's not to say that they did anything wrong or that they weren't there for us or that they disappeared and left us on our own. When I say they didn't show up for us at times, I mean they were not available energetically in the way that we needed them.?

No human can be there 100% for someone all of the time. We all have our bad days, low days and busy days, and with multiple house members it's impossible to dedicate undivided attention on one person. And neither SHOULD you as that can create a complete narcissist.

So these feelings we had when we felt our parents or care givers were not available is the reason we develop certain traits, strengths and patterns.

And by the way, some of these traits and strengths are brilliant, and have shaped the man or woman we are today and what we have chosen in terms of our careers.

It's fantastically illustrated in the book The Five Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler.

Steven's descriptions are generalised to a point, but if you choose to add this to your list of books to read, you WILL resonate with at least two of those patterns.

Those patterns are formed from a very young age.?

Your patterns are what you do to when you're feeling triggered or upset.

And as its a pattern, it is NOT who you actually are.

You did not inherit this through the gene pool. It is a pattern that helped you feel safe or in control. You got validation that it worked when you got an outcome you desired and so you kept doing it.

If the main pattern you've adopted doesn't work in a situation you will have a secondary pattern to fall back on, to try and get the end result you're looking for.

So what does this mean for you?

Weelllllll.......it means you can take back control of yourself and your life.

It means you get more understanding of why you have been settling in crappy relationships with a partner that does not fully support you. Or perhaps you have settled with someone as you know they will not break your heart.

You start to appreciate that a lack of self love has been the main driver in accepting peoples lack of integrity or shitty behaviour.

So the first thing you do when you realise you are in pattern, is get yourself out of pattern.

Easier said than done, but with practice it gets easier.

AND......through this understanding of patterns you also get to appreciate your partners pattern. And the patterns your friends and family run.

Because when you're triggered and go into pattern, you will inevitably trigger the other person to go into their pattern and vice versa. That is when the relationship starts to breakdown on communication, understanding and compassion.

Your trying to explain whats wrong and why you're upset and may aswell be speaking Swahili.

So getting clear

When you understand yours and other peoples patterns you can recognise it for what it is, rather than taking everything so personally.

With that clarity you can be more objective and compassionate to the others viewpoints and concerns.

When you can offer that to another person it's amazing how quickly they will calm, and then respond back to you in a similar way.

Whats not to love about that???

And yesterday a brand new Never Settle Podcast episode went live with John Kenny - The Relationship Guy

John talks openly about his own lack of self love and worth, and how he uses his past and experiences to help people both in therapy and relationship coaching.

John makes a special point that we should not take it personally when our loved one hits out and is potentially derogatory toward us. It's always a reflection of how that person is feeling about themselves, and very rarely about what they think about you.

You can check it out here : It's Never Personal with The Relationship Guy - John Kenny

So to finish

If you know you are settling in your relationship right now, and you are not truly in love with that person, or are accepting unnecessary criticisms......please know this is because your self love and worth is NOT where it needs to be.

You can work on this and change it:

• You can start feeding your soul with podcasts, books and videos that will help you love yourself more.
• You can have some honest conversations in your relationship, and YES perhaps it needs ending with love and compassion.
• You can find a coach that you resonate with and start creating a new purposeful life that drives self love and a better relationship with yourself, at the heart of everything you do.

Thank you for reading to the end. If you would like some reflections about your own situation I would love to offer you a free coaching call to give you some great takeaways that will help you on your own journey to stop settling.

Click HERE to grab one now.

And as a further gift please grab the 25 Traits of Couples Truly in Love quiz, to see where your own relationship is right now.

If you're a lover of Youtube videos you can follow me HERE and catch some of my Self Love videos too :)