Are You Sending Out the Right Signals When Dealing with People?
John F. Thompson, CPWA?, CIMA?
Private Wealth Advisor / Owner @ Congruent Wealth | Certified Investment Management Analyst?
Key Takeaways:
In some schools these days, teachers will instruct their students on the finer points of “full body listening”—the art of both giving your full attention to the person speaking and showing that person that he or she has your full attention.
It’s a life skill that can really come in handy as an adult during negotiations and in just about any interaction where the stakes are high.?
Indeed, we find that the Super Rich—self-made, affluent people with a net worth of $500 million or more—tend to do an exceptionally good job of “tuning in” to the people in front of them, using high-level versions of techniques that are often drummed into schoolchildren’s heads.
Here’s what they do—and how you can take a page from their playbook when dealing with others who can help you get what you want in life.
Tuning in
Most of us are very attuned, consciously and subconsciously, to the attention and inattention of other people. Most people welcome expressions of concern and find being disregarded and discounted to be hurtful. During times of crisis—someone being sick, a death in the family, any highly stressful situation—having someone simply there with you might make things easier.
To build rapport, you begin by constructively focusing your attention on those people with whom you want to create optimal relationships. You want to establish a robust empathetic presence—which requires tuning in.
By tuning in, you’re telling other people that you’re there with them—that they and what they’re saying are important and that they matter. Very usefully, it sets the framework for you to develop a deep understanding of their enlightened self-interest.?
Tuning in is a function of your frame of mind and is seen in both your verbal and nonverbal actions.
Your nonverbal behavior
When we watch the Super Rich connecting with other people, it’s evident to us that they’re completely engaged. It’s clear just by looking at them.
There are a number of nonverbal actions that tell someone you’re paying attention and communicate that you care. Your face and body can be extremely talkative without your having to say a word. You can use your nonverbal behaviors to:
Your nonverbal behavior is a potent way of amplifying and refining what you say. It sometimes can be more important than the words you use. People often determine your interest and commitment based on your nonverbal behavior. By being physically attentive, you are encouraging others to trust and share with you.
Keep in mind that all communication skills are somewhat culturally dependent. That said, these are some of the action steps the Super Rich tend to take.
Maintain good eye contact. Fairly steady eye contact can be advantageous. It says to the other person, “I’m interested in you. I’m paying attention. I want to know you, and I hear what you’re saying.”?
Important: There’s a big difference between staring or fixating on someone and maintaining good eye contact. You need to occasionally look away! Of course, if you look away too often, the other person may get the impression that you’re not interested.
Adopt an engaging posture. It’s important that your body orientation says, “I’m here to learn about you.” Crossing your arms and legs tends to convey that you’re less available. In contrast, keeping an open posture commonly shows that you’re open to what other people are saying.?
In many situations, it can also help if you lean in slightly. By leaning toward someone, you can convey that you are concerned about and interested in him or her. Also, facing someone squarely (as opposed to at an angle) communicates involvement.?
Be relaxed. When you’re relaxed, you appear more confident and capable. That could make it more likely that other people will be more comfortable with you and therefore more willing to share.?
The idea is to be very natural, not tense. You want to be at ease with the people around you, which will make them much more at ease with you. Anything that takes away from the perception that you’re there with someone in that moment subtracts from the relationship. (And yes, that includes your smartphone.)
Pay attention to your nonverbal behavior. When trying to build rapport, you might need to be careful about what you say. So make sure your facial expressions, for instance, aren’t saying something your words aren’t.?
On the other hand, you can certainly use nonverbal behavior to accentuate something you’re saying. You can be upbeat about a position, for example, and become more animated—conveying excitement—as you describe the position.?
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The art of impactful listening
To move from being attuned to someone’s nonverbal messages to their verbal messages, you need to practice impactful listening.?
Listening is a skill that is easy to understand but tough to do well consistently. For most people, “listening” is really just waiting for their turn to talk. They’re patiently biding their time until they can say something they consider insightful, worthwhile and very important.?
However, learning to listen impactfully can really pay off. The reason: People usually love to talk about themselves, which gives you an opportunity to learn important information you can use to develop a solid understanding of them and their agendas—so you can then find alignment between you and them.
Impactful listening is all about capturing and truly understanding the messages another person is sending. It also entails understanding the context—the current situation, the backstory of the person and the scenario, and the person’s expectations.?
The Super Rich tend to be astute impactful listeners, in our experience. They are highly engaged and quite interested in what other people are saying. To some extent, their listening is indicative of caring behavior—emotional empathy. But largely, they’re highly impactful listeners because it aids them in leading, in negotiation success, in effective networking and in serious wealth creation.?
Just like the Super Rich, you want to listen to what other people are saying as well as how they are saying it. You’re listening for:
Impactful listening with this level of commitment and intensity is especially helpful when you lack experience dealing with someone, as it may help you gain an understanding of how the person thinks and reacts. That understanding in turn can potentially help you predict their actions and decisions with more confidence.?
Impactful listening also involves nonverbal behavior. Just as you’re using your nonverbal behavior to communicate respect and caring, you need to “read” what other people are saying with their bodies, eye movements and so forth.
You will usually be well served if you pay attention to the other person’s:
By being attentive, you can readily and quickly learn a great deal about someone else based on their nonverbal behavior. Therefore, part of impactful listening is being sensitive to someone else’s nonverbal behavior.?
Implications
Your body sends out messages. Ask yourself whether it is sending the right ones, depending on the situation—especially in those moments when a great deal is potentially on the line.
What’s more, the quality of your listening to someone else’s nonverbal and verbal messages can enable you to tune into another person—as well as give them the security to open up and share themselves with you. This can give them a strong sense of assurance that “we’re in this together.”
The Super Rich largely are able to create optimal professional relationships because they tune in. When you’re seeking to do a deal and get the terms you want—in business and in life—it can make sense to adopt these best practices. They might just enable you to achieve a great outcome.
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