You Are Selfish No Matter What You Do

When I heard my workshop facilitator say this, I wanted to fight against him. My mind was screaming, “I am not selfish! Don’t you dare call me selfish! I have committed my life to helping others. There is nothing selfish about that.”

Then, once my ego stopped having an internal temper tantrum, I was able to stop and listen. Really listen. Not just to the words, but to the essence behind the words. (He didn’t actually say SELFISH, but that is what I heard…)

Here is what he was really saying:

All of us are operating to fulfill our universal needs, either consciously or unconsciously, so all actions that we take, all actions we don’t take, all words we say, and all words we don’t say, are fulfilling a need within us. Most of the time we don’t even know what needs we are fulfilling, but that doesn’t stop us from fulfilling them.

For me that means that everything that I do is really about ME. Even the things I do for other people, are really about ME.

The workshop facilitator called it SELF-FULL, rather than SELFISH, though.

The distinction he made between the two was that SELF-FULL is about working to fulfill our needs in a variety of creative ways, and SELFISH is when we become overly attached to one method of fulfilling those needs. 

Here are some examples of how I how I fulfill my needs without really knowing that I am fulfilling my needs:

>> When I am coaching my clients, it isn’t only about them because I am also rewarded by fulfilling my need for meaning and connection.  

>> When I am stubbornly attached to “my way is the only way” it isn’t that I am being a bitch, I am fulfilling my need for power and significance. 

>> When I have my head in the sand, ignoring issues that are slowly bubbling up, I am fulfilling my need for peace, harmony and ease

>> When I get short with my children because they are screaming for something, I am tragically trying to fulfill my need for mutual respect and calm. (It usually backfires, though…)

This idea of being SELF-FULL was a big breakthrough for me, especially when it comes to conflict and especially when it comes to be a mother. 

First of all, I am better able to let go of prolonged guilt and a tendency to beat myself up when I do something “wrong.” I can see how and why my needs matter too. When I do make a "mistake" I can see them as tragic ways that I was fulfilling a need, and then I can create alternative ways to fulfill the need in the future. (After I clean up any mess I made…) 

Secondly, I am able to see other people’s behavior in a different way. I can see that they are also trying to fulfill one of their own needs in a way that doesn’t work for me. The names that I may want to call them, more easily drop out of my head, and I can see them as a flawed human being who is doing the best they can.

Since this workshop, I have learned more and more about what it means to live a Self-Full Life.

Yesterday, I opened the doors to my Self-Full Life Group Coaching program, so if you too want to learn how to create a life that is neither self-less (too exhausting) or selfish (pisses off too many people), please join me. www.theresadestrebecq.com/self-full.

I will be hosting a special Q+A in my FB group on Monday as well, so head over there if you have questions. www.facebook.com/emergebookcircle.com

In possibility,

Theresa