Are You Scared Of Feedback?

Supervision meetings at work, appraisals, end of event feedback forms, performing on stage, cooking a meal for a hot date, or asking "does my bum look big in this?" – there’s feedback lurking round every corner. We can’t really avoid it. We think we can by playing small, not showing up too much, maybe not saying too much, but everyday you’re receiving feedback – every single friggin day. So let’s take a closer look shall we, as deep down you know feedback isn’t really a scary monster trying to kill you.

How do you handle feedback? What do you do when you know some feedback is coming?

Most of us don’t really want to hear feedback in case it’s negative right? Or is that just me? The thing is feedback is actually only information and that information might well go on to inform what happens next. I recognise whenever I believe myself to be a person who could get hurt by negative words or be validated by kind words, all that’s doing is reinforcing the belief in a limited self. A limited self/ego craving love, acceptance, and reassurance to secure itself.

My hubby has the Four Agreements as a screen saver on his computer monitor and one of them is ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally’. For a long time that seemed like an impossibility and it felt like the main reason why I couldn’t show up and speak. The fear and anxiety of what might happen if someone disagreed with me or called me out or misunderstood me was just too crippling a thought to risk.

The realisation that it’s only the idea of me (the ego/separate self) that’s insecure and who I really am is limitless and free…well in that moment a whole new world appeared. The knowing that who I am is not this collection of opinions, beliefs, thoughts and perceptions that tell the story of ‘me’, and the understanding of the nature of experience was a real game changer.

The idea that it’s even possible to take anything personally just didn’t make sense anymore and still doesn’t.

From the point of view of a separate self/ego then yes oh my goodness there’s so much to take personally (it’s all personal from that perspective) and to defend yourself, big yourself up, and do whatever it takes to stay safe and secure is what will happen. Even if that means never daring to take risks or say what your heart is aching to say. Somehow keeping your lips sealed is preferable to the possible judgement, rejection, ridicule, blaming or shaming.

From the perspective of who we really are – simply life living then there is absolutely no-thing to take anything personally. What there is is life happening, words being spoken, words being typed, feedback given, actions taken. Nothing need be dismissed, denied, defended, made right or wrong, good or bad. It’s love listening to love, love responding to love.

I welcome all feedback now and although I’m not immune to identifying with an idea of who I am and experiencing all kinds of anxiety, worry, stabs to the heart, sadness when hearing less than flattering feedback. It’s not long before the feelings move on and a new experience is occurring. There’s fluidity and peacefulness, a contentment I guess you could name it as.

To be unafraid of experience is pretty cool and that’s what is on offer with When Women Speak. On the surface yes it’s about the simple act of using your voice and speaking. The invitation is to also explore why and how it’s so simple and by looking towards the nature of experience is a fabulous way to start revealing who you truly are and realise your limitless boundless, unstoppable resolve to move what you say into action and watch what unfolds.

My biz partner and co-founder of When Women Speak gave me some feedback the other day (actually on two consecutive days) Nicola knows she can say anything to me and I won’t be offended, feel shame or turn the tables and judge her or try to defend myself (unless I do happen to do those things as it’s all allowable. But then equally Nicola wouldn’t be afraid of dealing with that response). It’s rather cool to be able to have conversations with such openness to say whatever wants to be said and feel completely safe to do so.

By the way - When Women Speak is also about creating those safe spaces to speak.

The feedback Nicola was sharing was on how I respond to certain people and how I often reply with what I want to hear rather than deeply listen and reply to what’s been asked (perhaps I was a politician in a former life!). It was great feedback because it highlighted that my behaviour is different in a coaching scenario than it is in other situations. Something interesting to notice and see if now it’s been highlighted anything changes.

Based on Nicola’s feedback I wrote the following inspired by a recent interaction where someone had asked for some information that I didn’t have to hand but rather than respond with just the facts I embellished the replies with what I like to talk about.

Dear friend

Thank you for the feedback on the interaction we had where the questions you asked were met by the responses I wanted to give based on a preference of how I see things. I’m sorry for not listening to you and not simply replying to your questions with the information you asked for.

This experience has highlighted the areas where the idea “this is for my benefit” still shows up. You’ve provided a fantastic opportunity for deeper listening and noticing where the identification of me as separate from you appears.

Thank you!

Sara x

What then came to mind was how I used to feel whenever I received short and to the point responses to my questions. I had the story that a short sharp reply meant a lack of interest in me. Have you ever received replies via text or email that are clear, concise to the point but with no added bells and whistles? A reply to your question that just answers it without any fluffy personality wrap around?

I felt disappointment getting such responses, and don’t get me started on all the stories I used to make up if someone didn’t reply at all!!! The story was “if they liked me they would be more friendly”, “if they wanted to engage in conversation they would have written more than just answer my question”. I particularly remember these thoughts and feelings arise whenever I received responses from a particular Mentor. He was everything I wanted to be - magnetic presence, an ease and confidence that was so addictive, joyful, strong, compassionate and unafraid of experience.

At some point I saw that I wanted more words in his replies because I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to be acknowledged, I wanted to matter to him.

Then came the realisation that the ‘I’ wanting those things was illusory and whilst the experience of wanting may come and go there is no ‘little me’ needing love, attention, validation etc.

In light of this exploration around feedback I see that although my reaction to replies received (the ones to the point and brief) no longer are met with stories of meaning about “do they or don’t they care about me?” etc. I realise that in the replies I send out the personal is there.

I’m seeing the receiver as separate and adding personality to the response to show I care, to show interest in the other person. I wouldn’t want them to think I’m a bitch, or heartless and so on. It’s still all about me. The added personal fluff whether said or written is for my benefit.

I’m grateful for the spotlight being shined on my behaviour. What a gift to be open to feedback and then see how that informs how life moves next. I do however clearly have a preference for fluff – just look how long this post is!!!!!

Much love

Sara

PS: The next When Women Speak tour event is in Swansea on 30 March 2019. To grab your FREE ticket go here ~ https://www.facebook.com/events/2289443944674604/