Are you in the sandwich generation?

Are you raising your children, looking after your parents, holding down a full-time job, maintaining a relationship, staying on top of life, all while never speaking out about your struggles??

My husband Tim and I have 2 children, Rafe 7, and Marlowe 5. Nine years ago, my mum moved into our flat in North London. She had retired and was deciding what to do next, but she was then diagnosed with Parkinson’s and so ended up staying with us.?

And that is how I became part of what has been termed the ‘Sandwich Generation’ - a generation of people, typically in their thirties or forties, responsible both for bringing up their own children and for the care of their ageing parents.

There are some really poignant moments, like when I am teaching Marlowe to do her shoelaces and then I’ll have to tie up mums. Or Rafe will be struggling with his buttons, while mum is too.?

It is a situation full of emotional, physical and logistical challenges.?

If I am helping the children with their homework and mum shouts for me, I don’t know who needs my help the most. If I do go to mum, she’ll quite often have forgotten what she needed me for, which can be frustrating.?

And while I am seeing it from my point of view, caught in the middle, I’m also always aware of how mum must be feeling becoming far less independent. It is a delicate position to be in.?

I know I am far from alone with this too. About 3% of the UK population is providing care for more than 1 generation, according to Athina Vlachantoni, a gerontologist at the University of Southampton. 3% sounds low, but it’s actually over 2 million people.?

With people having babies later and living longer, the pressure on the sandwich generation is only intensifying.?

As most care falls to women, they’re now contending with full-time jobs, looking after dependent children and parents with failing health. Throw in relationships to maintain, friendships to sustain, as well as general life admin - that’s a lot of balls in the air!?

It is a conversation that is not being had but needs to be shared.?

Thankfully my skills as a people development coach have helped me ensure that I still remain a priority in my own life. I create blocks of time in my diary to ensure I spend time with mum every day and that I am in for the children when they are getting home from school. I also put time aside for myself. Some days I’ll get up early to meditate or do some yoga, other days I’ll stay in bed and won’t feel guilty about it.?

I’ve also stopped should-ing all over myself. Whenever I start thinking “I should have spent more time with the children”, or “I should have gone shopping with mum”, I stop myself. I am doing the best I can.

I am doing what is possible, and that does not mean doing everything.?

My personal tips for other women and men in the sandwich who are feeling the pressure:

-Stay in the moment. A lot of our feelings of overwhelm come from mentally time-travelling to what we wish we had done differently in the past, or what we worry about for the future.

-Practice gratitude daily. Not only does it make you appreciate what you have, it changes the patterns in your brain so you can process things with more compassion.?

-Start talking. Many people, myself included, find this topic incredibly difficult to share. Only when we’re honest and vulnerable, though, can we help and support others going through similar struggles.?