It is not about you

A reminder what to remember before speaking about something you believe in

30 minutes and counting 

Scrambling on my laptop, I was tweaking my presentation, adding more slides. There was an undeniable feeling lingering that something was missing and that I needed to continue to add more information. My heart racing, my breathing heavy and to say the least... I was nervous. 

The preparation of presentations is 'usually' a fun process for me. If I use slides, I like to take time looking for high-quality pictures and add a few words with each slide. I am not much of a designer, although I do enjoy trying out some things with keynote and working on font and aesthetics. 

At this moment, however, choosing pictures and adding text was far from the fun. I can hear myself saying "never again". Never again will I be adjusting my presentation this late. The stress is unbearable. And while I am curved over my laptop, sweat drops pearling on my forehead. Very kind and enthusiastic people approach me, wanting to talk to me. Each time they did, I would respond with 'so nice to see you, I have to finish something off before talking, is it ok if we meet afterward?' I feel terrible sending people away, but I don't feel like I have a choice at that moment. 

The conference hall starts filling up, and my nerves are on the absolute edge. The audio technical assistant starts giving me bad looks because I said I would give the presentation to him 10 minutes ago and I feel too insecure to hand it to him right now. Just a few more tweaks I keep telling myself. Just a little re-shuffling of my slides. Changing the order to make the flow work. I finally have to say 'screw it', and hand it in as it is. This is not going to get that much better if I keep working on it.

The applause is loud, the first speaker just gave an interesting, thought-provoking talk and told a beautiful personal story. One more speaker and then I'm up. I look down at my phone as a distraction. My head seems to be all over the place, and I have a hard time focusing. I check Twitter only to get more nerve-racked thinking in advance that people will be sharing bad reviews during and after my talk on Twitter. The insecurity is overwhelming, and I can't get myself to calm down. Outside I give a cool and very relaxed impression, but inside I wish I could run away. I switch over to Whatsapp and decide to send my partner a message about how I am feeling...

It's not about you

My message starts with "Baby, I'm nervous". I start a rant about not sure whether I should use my slides and that I feel like my story is getting all muddled up. After a few minor comments and questions, she sends back the one key message that brought everything back into perspective. 

"It's not about you." 

Wanting to respond directly with some defense, I got stopped in my tracks. Is it not about me? At that moment a blanket of calm washed over me. I started asking myself the question where this feeling comes from? Why did I come here today? What am I here to do? This is something I believe in, isn't it? Something I believe can have a positive impact on the world in some way. It does not have anything to do with me as an individual; it has to do with the bigger vision. I smile inside. A part of me feels foolish and can even laugh inside because of what I just put myself through. With the new state of zen and confidence, it is evident to me what I have to do.

I walk towards the audiovisual assistant, who I think doesn't like me all too much because of the hard time I gave him earlier. I tell him I won't be needing my slides. I look him in the eyes and say sorry and in a few sentences tell him what I just went through. With sympathetic eyes, he looks back at me and shares his experience on speakers that he has to deal with. We appreciate that moment of honesty, smile at each other and I walk back to my seat. 

3 minutes later I am introduced to take the stage. The only sentence I have revolving in my head and heart is "it is not about you". With that, I stand in front of the room, take a deep breath and start. From that moment till the end I forget what I am doing and ride the wave. 

The applause is enthusiastic once I am done. I sit down and take my seat. My soul knows what just happened and consoles me. My talk may not be perfect, but whenever is it? I showed up and did what I came to do. I smile and am grateful... this wasn't about me. 

So what did I learn? 

I remember a conversation with a colleague of mine, who shared an anecdotal story about what his wife said to him. It was a similar situation, before an important meeting of his, and her words were (paraphrasing here) "don't try to make an impression". 

The larger lesson here is that our ego can often wish for 1001 things, however deep inside that was not the reason we do this work. Once I can figuratively take myself out of the equation, this gives space to the vastness of the universe and my deeper beliefs. It doesn't mean that my ego doesn't play a role, of course, it does. I do think it is important to know and be aware when the ego has a functional role and when it acts destructively and puts you in a negative perpetual downward spiral. 

The nervousness comes from the part that is afraid to fail, that feels like I will be letting down those that have put their faith in me. The expectation of inspiring others, whatever that means, which at times, like the one I shared above, can be crushing. 

So... before going to a meeting, giving a talk or presentation remember this. If you have the freedom to talk about a topic that is close to your heart; keep in mind... it is not about you. It is something beyond you. Let that be your focus and your mantra. It is about the message you have come to share, what you truly believe in. It is about the truth behind your words, behind your verbal and non-verbal communication. It is the same thing that keeps you grounded and the one that believes in a new and better tomorrow. 

This has ever since helped me stay calm and bring me back to the essence right before speaking.