Are you a sales arsehole?

They say there are two things that are guaranteed in life, death and taxes.

LinkedIn has a similar theory in the aspect that you can be sure of two things which is salespeople and recruiters. Reading some inmails can seem as painful as seeing your payslip after the tax man has done his rounds and some genuinely make you wish for death. You know the sort, poorly written, copy & pasted drivel… “Dear Mister Nick Sir, greetings from Pyongyang. I see you look like client similar to mine, we sell weasels and think you company need 1million units”

Let’s face it, some salespeople are great some are shite but even the greatest of salespeople can be utter, utter arseholes.

Whilst we’re on that subject that brings to the first character that sends my arseholomiter in to turbo drive.

Jordan f**king Belfort.

Are you sharing poorly edited, made up JB quotes? Do you idolise this former stockbroker turned inmate, turned sales trainer, turned doing anything to remain relevant? Have you ever asked someone to “sell me this pen”?

If you answered yes to one or god forbid more of these, I’ve got some bad news for you, go speak to your doctor and ask for a prescription for oral suppositories.

My issue with Mr Belfort is not a matter of “You wish you were him”, for the record. I don’t. The prevalence of the Wolf of Wall Street as an inspirational success story is what winds me up, the guy robbed people and ruined their lives, he wasn’t targeting “the top 1% of Americans” as he claims he was also robbing your average Joe.

And even now in a desperate attempt to remain relevant he flogs his “straight line course”, which FYI is terribly outdated and nothing you wouldn’t pick up working in a sales office for 6 months (it’s also not going to cost you ￡497.99).

All salespeople have a moan about how they are looked at by the general public in one way or another at some point in time. If you’re struggling to build rapport, trust, confidence in your prospects then I’ve got news for you. It is people like JB who give sales as an entire industry a bad name, like really bad.

The secret.

I get it, different things inspire different people but as someone who was forced to read The Secret by a former director as a kind of homework piece I want to call bulls**t on this powers of the universe, imagine a million dollars in your hand nonsense. If you like it fair one, good for you but for f**k sake don’t go about preaching it like you’ve just come down from Mount Sinai.

Now I’m heavily paraphrasing here but there is a segment in The Secret that stuck with me, where it heavily implied that the Jews and Africans could have avoided the holocaust and the slave trade if only they were a little more positive.

Rhonda Byrne go suck on a cactus.

Money is everything.

You make good money, good for you, we all get into sales for one reason or another but one that is pretty consistent is the love of that sweet, sweet comish. Do you need, however, to bring up how much you make as a way of justifying being an arsehole? Or when you’re proved wrong or done over in an argument is your go-to response “Yeah well how much do you make mate!?” normally followed by “I make bills, I got money, what do you have?” = D**khead!

I once had a row with a director of a recruitment firm in Manchester during my Rec-2-Rec days who had been pissing about with offers for too long. He knew he was in the wrong but the pudgy little thing has a right chip on his shoulder and the conversation swiftly moved to:

Percy Pig: “Who the fuck do you think you are, how many houses do you have?”

Me: “What?”

PP: “I said how many houses do you have!?”

Me: “Errrm I rent one in Didsbury”

PP: “Oh a fucking smart arse hey, I’ve got 7 houses and a Porsche and a Range Rover, what do you have?”

Me: “A Metrolink station 30 meters from my front door”

PP: “Don’t you answer me back!”

Me: “You’re asking questions and just listing random things you own”

PP: “Yeah because I’m showing you that you don’t know shit in this game, I’ve been at it a lot longer than you have! I’ve got three Rolex’s, do you have a Rolex?”

Me: “Yep”

PP: “Well, well errm, good for you! Come to my office tomorrow and I’ll bang you out”

Safe to say I went to his office at 09:00 the following day and he did not bang me out.

Last point on this, if this is how your conversation with your mates goes just grow the fuck up. Your mate Nathan the butcher really doesn’t give a shit if you made ￡3,000 in commission last month. You ain’t Jordon Belfort, he’s not going to quit his job and come work with you because you flash him a pay cheque.

Neglecting your loved ones in favour of materialism:

If you’re so self-obsessed with your own image, the most important thing to you is that people see you as a success, that you live a life of excess so much so that you neglect your loved ones, friends, family, partners, kids in order to metaphorically wank yourself off then get a f**king grip mate. Nobody cares about your on finance BMW, your on finance Rolex, how many “birds” you have on the go behind your partners back or literally anything that you do. If your conversations turn in to a constant dick/clit swinging contest the moment someone with the medium of success is brought up or talking to you then Beepidybeepbeepidybeep the Arseholeomiter is off the charts.

Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things. I have tailored suits, ￡4k watches, designer brands but you know what…? You actually get more attention when you are humble with your success than when you flaunt it.