IF YOU REALLY WANT TO CHANGE...DON’T CHANGE...

I often meet people who are stuck in a deep rut, and they come to me looking for support to ‘become a better version of myself.’ This is a laudable intention, but as I get to know them, it usually transpires that it is the desire itself to be someone or something they are currently not that has been preventing them from changing up until now.

And this is where a paradoxical theory of change offers insight into often what is the first step in facilitating deep and sustainable change:

Acceptance of What Is.

Carl Rogers states in his famous book, On Becoming a Person:

"I find I am more effective when I can listen acceptantly to myself…I feel I have become more adequate in letting myself be what I am.? It becomes easier for me to accept myself as a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in the way in which I would like to function. This must seem to some like a very strange direction in which to move.? It seems to me to have value because the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change."

The paradox is such that change is seen to occur through fully contacting “what is”- the truth of one’s experience - rather than trying to be different.

There is something so powerful in acceptance, which is an active stance to take, as the starting point for creating change.

But why is that?

For me, when I look back at times in my life when my desire for change was being driven by self-doubt, self-judgement or disappointment in myself, I was being anything other than accepting. This, in turn, led to struggle, inner wrestling and a feeling of ‘trying’ to be someone or something I was not. As a result, I suffered and remained stuck, entrenching a disempowering air of resignation into my psyche. Conversely, when I look back on the periods of growth and development in my life, I fully accepted myself as I was and where I was in life: in turn, this created a joyful and exploratory inner environment, from which I then played all out in the game of life. And the result: I changed!

?In particular, when I look back at a key moment in the Summer of 2014 when I experienced profound insights into the inside-out nature of how our mind works, I felt a huge release from ‘efforting’ as I embraced the completeness and wholeness at the core of my being. I experienced the power of truly being present in the here and now, which granted me access to a huge burst of creativity, bold action and expansion of possibility.

?For me, ?acceptance of what is gives me access to more inner resourcefulness and a clearer-eyed view of myself, free from self-judgement and all the limitations that it creates.

?ACCEPTANCE AS THE STARTING POINT

At its core,?acceptance?is the practice of acknowledging and allowing reality to be as it is, without resistance or judgment. This doesn’t mean passive resignation or apathy; it’s a courageous and proactive willingness to face the truth, whether it’s internal (thoughts, emotions, patterns and stories) or external (circumstances, relationships, or any adversity we are facing). True acceptance can show up as:

1)??? Seeing Clearly Without Illusion

Acceptance means letting go of "shoulds" or fantasies about how life?should?be and seeing things exactly as they are. It requires letting go of denial, wishful thinking, and avoidance.

Example: Instead of saying, "I should be more successful by now," acceptance says, "This is where I am right now, and that’s okay."

2)??? Releasing Resistance

Resistance comes from fighting reality—thinking that something is "wrong" or "unfair." Acceptance is the opposite: it’s leaning into the present moment, even if it’s uncomfortable. It’s recognising that resisting reality doesn’t change it—it only creates suffering.

Example: Identify something about your life that makes you feel angry or experience strong emotions. Sit with how this emotion creates or prolongs pain or suffering and ask, ‘What lies beyond this resistance?’

?3)??? Acknowledging Both Light and Shadow

True acceptance requires embracing all parts of life and yourself—not just the “good” or “easy” ones. It’s the willingness to sit with pain, failure, or fear without trying to numb it or push it away.

Example: You might accept that you feel bored or stuck in some areas of life without rushing to fix it. This acknowledgement creates space for clarity and for something new to emerge.

4)??? Non-attachment to Outcomes

Acceptance means letting go of rigid expectations about how things "must" turn out. It’s about doing your best and then letting go of control over the results.

Example: Embracing where you are, identifying the direction you want to take and taking the first steps in that direction, focusing on ‘what’s next’ as you walk the path.

FOUR WAYS TO LOOK AT THE PARADOX OF CHANGE

?As I deepen my professional coaching journey, I find that I am less attached to a single approach or theoretical framework in my practice. I will deploy whatever approach or tools that feel most apt to the context and needs of my client. ?I delight in exploring the similarities and resonances across what initially seem like different approaches. Below are four lenses for looking at how the paradox of change can show up when someone seeks to create change in their lives.

1)??? Narrative Coaching: David Drake and the Role of Stories

David Drake’s Narrative Coaching framework is based on a paradoxical theory of change. At its core, Narrative Coaching is based on the idea that individuals are shaped by the stories they tell about themselves and their lives. These narratives create meaning but can also constrain growth when they become rigid or self-limiting.

?In the context of the paradox of change, Narrative Coaching emphasises the need to fully embrace and honour one’s current story before attempting to rewrite it. According to Drake, transformational change occurs when we stop fighting or resisting the stories we’ve lived and instead develop a compassionate understanding of them. By accepting our stories as they are, without judgment, we gain the perspective and freedom to reshape them in alignment with who we want to become.

Resistance to change often stems from unexamined stories we hold about ourselves. For example, I’ve worked with many clients who resisted change because their stories labelled them as "not good enough," "too damaged," or "unworthy." Narrative Coaching invites individuals to engage with these stories, not to reject them, but to explore their origins and underlying needs. When these stories are accepted and integrated, rather than resisted, they lose their grip and open the door to new, empowering narratives.

Food for Thought:?In Narrative Coaching, acceptance is the prerequisite for transformation. By fully accepting their current story, individuals create the conditions to author a new chapter in their lives.

2)??? Jungian Theory: Embracing the Shadow for Integration

Carl Jung’s analytical psychology provides a rich framework for understanding the paradox of change through the concept of the "shadow." The shadow represents the parts of ourselves that we suppress or deny because they are inconsistent with our self-image or societal expectations. Jung famously noted that "what you resist persists," highlighting that suppressed aspects of the psyche do not disappear but manifest in unconscious behaviours, emotional blockages, or projections onto others.

From a Jungian perspective, the paradox of change lies in the necessity of confronting and embracing the shadow. True transformation requires us to acknowledge and accept the parts of ourselves we resist the most—our fears, insecurities, and flaws. By integrating the shadow, we reclaim the energy we once spent on suppression and resistance, allowing for a more authentic and whole sense of self.

In coaching, exploring the shadow can mean identifying the emotions, beliefs, or desires they habitually avoid. Resistance to these aspects often blocks meaningful change, as it creates inner conflict and perpetuates feelings of shame or inadequacy. When people accept their shadow and bring it into the light, they dissolve these internal barriers and can more readily access their potential.

Food for Thought:?Jungian theory teaches that transformation requires embracing and integrating the shadow. Acceptance, rather than resistance, allows for wholeness and authentic change.

3)??? The Three Principles: Syd Banks and the Inside-Out Understanding

The Three Principles, as first articulated by Sydney Banks, offer a spiritual and psychological framework that aligns closely with the paradox of change. The Three Principles—Mind, Consciousness, and Thought—offer a holistic description of the inside-out nature of human experience. According to Banks, our experience of life is created by our thoughts in the moment, not by external circumstances, which when we really see, has huge implications for how we experience life.

In this understanding of how life works psychologically, resistance to change often arises from misunderstanding the nature of thought. When people take their thoughts too seriously or view them as fixed truths, they create unnecessary suffering and limit their capacity for change. The paradox of change becomes evident when we realise that their resistance is based on thought patterns that can shift effortlessly when they are not clung to or resisted. Indeed it is often our judgemental thinking about the thinking we are having that keeps us stuck. i.e. beating ourselves up for having the thoughts and feelings we are having.

?Acceptance in the Three Principles involves recognising that thoughts and feelings are transient and do not define one’s essence. By letting go of the need to control or resist thoughts, greater clarity and peace can be experienced, and change emerges, often effortlessly.

?Food for Thought:?The Three Principles suggests that when we accept the transient nature of thought and stop resisting it, we create space for effortless transformation.

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4)??? Ontology: Werner Erhard and the Nature of Being

Ontology, as explored by Werner Erhard and others, examines the nature of being and how our way of being shapes our reality. Erhard’s work, particularly in transformational programmes like Landmark Forum (which I am doing the Advanced Course on this coming weekend), focuses on how individuals create meaning and possibilities through their declarations, commitments, and ways of being.

?The paradox of change is central to ontological transformation. Erhard emphasises that transformation is not about fixing or improving oneself but about shifting one’s relationship to being. This begins with radical acceptance of who we are in the present moment, including our limitations, fears, and resistances. When individuals stop trying to "become" something and instead fully embrace their current state of being, they access the power to create new possibilities from a place of authenticity.

In the ontological framework, resistance is a form of attachment to a fixed way of being or identity. This attachment creates persistence—what is resisted becomes magnified because it is unconsciously reinforced. By accepting what is, individuals free themselves from the need to control or resist their experience, allowing for a fundamental shift in their way of being.

Food for Thought:?Ontology teaches that transformation arises from fully accepting one’s current way of being. This acceptance creates the space for new ways of being to emerge naturally.

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Implications for Relationships?

The paradox of change also comes alive when we look at interpersonal relationships. ?Last year, I saw this for myself in sharp relief: I found myself being frustrated with my partner as we settled into the rhythm of living together and managing our home life. I found myself wishing that she’d be more of a certain way to make (my) life easier. After a few coaching sessions of my own, I saw that I had fallen into the trap of wanting someone else to change without changing myself first.

I then came up with my own motto:

When I accept others as they are, then they can change.

And that is what happened at home. As I consciously and deliberately loved all parts of my partner, my experience of my partner transformed. From judgement and frustration to unconditional love....and of course, acceptance. And as a possibility, because she felt more accepted and loved, she did change.

This reminded me of what Alan Watts used to say before marrying a couple:

“I will only marry you if you promise not to attempt to change one another.”

Final Thoughts

I invite you to reflect on the areas of yourself or your life that you would like to be different through the lens of the Paradox of Change. What comes up for you as you read this? And to consider these questions:

·????? Where are you experiencing resistance in your life, and how could greater acceptance serve you?

·????? What have you been putting off that is maybe not as insurmountable as you think?

·????? What story or stories are you carrying around that, by examining, could create an opening for something new?

?I’ll leave you with this apt poem:

DON'T CHANGE

I was neurotic for years.

I was anxious and depressed and selfish.

Everyone kept telling me to change.

And I resented them, and I agreed with them,

and I wanted to change, but simply couldn’t,

no matter how hard I tried.

Then one day someone said to me,

“Don’t change. I love you just as you are.”

Those words were music to my ears:

“Don’t change, don’t change, don’t change…

I love you as you are.”

I relaxed. I came alive.

And suddenly I changed!

Now I know that I couldn’t really change

until I found someone who would love me

whether I changed or not.

John Callahan

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This week’s theme is one of the foundational elements of a weekend retreat I am running in March called Human Being – Being Human. Whilst this retreat is taking place in Copenhagen, I am also offering a one-to-one personalised version here in Manchester. PM for details.