Are You Really Listening? Here’s How to Tell (and Improve)

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.”

— Peter Drucker, Author.

YOUR WEEKLY PRESCRIPTION FOR SUCCESS

I keep hearing a familiar refrain from the leaders I coach: “I need to focus on active listening.” It’s echoed in team feedback, performance reviews, and, quite honestly, in my own life as a new stepmother to teenagers and in trying to be a better partner to my spouse. I regularly hear “but you aren’t listening to me!”. So, what does “active listening” really mean? And are you truly practising it?

Active listening is more than nodding along or waiting for your turn to speak. It’s about giving your full attention with intent—listening without the need to fix, solve, or advise immediately. And let’s be honest, as leaders (and parents), we love to fix things, don’t we?

What does this look like in practice?

Here’s a quick exercise inspired by Nancy Kline’s Time to Think framework:

1. Silent Attention – In your next meeting, try not speaking for 2 minutes after someone finishes talking. Resist the urge to jump in straight away.
2. Stay Curious – Ask them: “What more do you think, feel, or want to say about that?” Then, keep listening. You’ll be surprised at the depth this simple question can unlock.

But here’s the challenge—what can you do while you’re listening to stay fully present and engaged? Here are some tips:

Practical Tips for Staying Fully Present While Listening:

1. Tune into Your Senses: As you listen, become aware of your physical presence. Notice the sensation of your feet on the ground or your breath moving in and out. This keeps you grounded in the moment and helps you resist distractions.
2. Pause Your Inner Dialogue: We often prepare responses while the other person is still speaking. Try consciously pausing your internal monologue, focusing instead on absorbing every word without judgment or preparation.
3. Focus on Body Language: Listening is not just about hearing words. Pay attention to non-verbal cues—body language, facial expressions, tone of voice. This adds a richer layer of understanding and helps you pick up on what’s not being said.
4. Use Reflective Listening: Paraphrase or reflect back what you’ve heard. This not only ensures you’ve understood correctly but also signals to the other person that their words matter.

Neuroscience tells us that when people feel truly heard, the brain releases oxytocin—the “bonding” hormone. It lowers stress, enhances trust, and opens up problem-solving pathways. You’ll notice your team members offering more creative, thoughtful input when they feel genuinely listened to.

Challenge:

Ask yourself—do I listen to respond, or do I listen to understand? How often do I let silence speak before I jump in?

Take this week to practise true, active listening—not just with your team, but in your personal life, too. You might find, as I have, that this one skill changes more than just your leadership style.

Wishing you meaningful conversations ahead,

Till next week

Alice (Speaker, Executive and Team Coach; AND listener in training!|)