Are You Ready for Some Coaching? 4 Self-Coaching Questions

Twice in the last few years, I have been privileged to offer commencement talks (at the Ross Business School at University of Michigan and with my wife at Southern Virginia University). Both times were intimidating because I am not famous (like Oprah), I don’t have an inspiring life story (like an Olympic athlete), and I have not created an industry or business (like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates). So, what do I know something about that might help graduates prepare for their future?

I have coached thousands of incredible people, from C-suite executives to aspiring leaders to millennials new to the workforce. I have listened, empathized, and counseled on how they can improve their personal and professional lives. In the spirit of simplicity, I have relied on four questions to help those I coach reflect and renew. These simple questions are not necessarily new, but by pondering them, they might help you self-coach.

Question 1: What do I want?

Off the top of your head, answer the following questions: What do you want next in your life? What matters most to you? What would your life look like in ten years if you felt like you had succeeded? As you ask yourself these questions, you should build on your strengths and seek success that is within your reach. If you are not clear about your wants, others may define them for you, often not in your best interest. Focus on challenges that you enjoy working on, that ignite your passions, and that shape your desired identity. Use your wants as a guide to define and track personal success and as a filter for folding your future aspirations into your present actions. I have found that what I want has varied over time as life’s circumstances evolve, but the question remains the same.

Question 2: Who do I help or serve?

I like to coach people to be servant leaders who use their strengths to strengthen others. The best predictor of your long-term well-being, health, and happiness is the quality of your relationships. Research has shown that people who care about other people are 60 percent more likely to be promoted. Economist Arthur Brooks also found that those who give more and serve more make more money, not less.

Those who give to charity are 43 percent happier than those who do not give.

Volunteering and helping others gives you emotional, physical, and economic well-being. In my personal musings each day, I often pause to ask myself, “Who can I help today? What can I do for someone else?” Many days, nothing much comes to mind; other days, I am reminded of opportunities to connect and give to others.

As you move forward in your professional career and personal life, build relationships with others by listening more than talking, enabling others’ success more than your own, and serving more than taking. A simple but useful test of helping is to ask yourself: “What percent of the time do people leave their interaction with me feeling better about themselves?”

Question 3: How do I build?

In work, family, social, and other settings, you not only represent yourself as an individual, but you symbolize organizations where you live and work. For example, your work organization will likely take up to 50 percent of your waking hours. Be committed not only to yourself and to others but to your organization. Organizations exist to leverage individual talent through collective actions. The whole organization is generally greater than the individual parts. Teams outperform individuals.

To build an organization, be a good teammate by being actively engaged in good causes, sharing credit, and avoiding politics; embody the values of your organization by creating a personal identity tied to your company’s identity; and make peace with your organization by not expecting that everything will always go well. Like people, organizations have virtues and flaws. Be proud to represent your organization in public and in private. Be committed to improving your organization by learning how to influence positive change. And know when to move on—check out one of my recent articles entitled "Should I Stay Or Should I Go? 5 Questions To Manage Your Next Career Move".

Question 4: Where am I?

Every life is a journey, with hills (ups) and valleys (downs). You need to periodically assess where you are on that journey. There is a religious story foundational to many religions, shared early in the Bible, that seems relevant for today. Adam and Eve are placed in the garden of Eden and told to take till and take care of the garden but to not partake of the forbidden fruit. They make a mistake and partook of the forbidden fruit. When God returns to discuss this with them, they run and hide. God asks a very interesting question: “Where art thou?” For years (even decades), I envisioned Adam and Eve hiding behind a rock or bush. Then it hit me (with my wife’s help) that God can see them wherever they are, and this question is not for His benefit but for theirs. Because Adam and Eve made a mistake, God may be asking whether they are willing to continue their with Him journey by learning or to shift to start a new journey. Likewise, this is ultimately your question. “Where am I? Where am I going? Am I willing to continue my journey, with mistakes and pitfalls along the way? Am I living up to my full potential in my messy and imperfect career and life? Am I willing to be honest with myself and to get up again and again and again and move forward?”

So, I encourage those I coach at all levels of their organizations, graduates moving into a new life stage, professionals in mid career, and senior leaders to self-coach by pondering four questions that enable personal and professional growth.

1. What do I want? Know myself to define success.
2. Who do I help? Give of myself to serve others.
3. How can I build? Leverage myself to create organizations.
4. Where am I? Be honest with myself to keep moving in the right direction.

These questions will go a long way in your journey to being able to coach yourself and see the changes you want in your life and organization. If you would like a more extensive assessment and more personal coaching, please learn more about our Leadership Assessments.