Are you ready to get uncomfortable? (AKA the Love Edition)

The start of this month is apparently the time when most people who made a New Year’s resolution finally give up. It is also the month where we can’t escape Valentine’s Day.

So, I thought I’d take these two things – habit change and love – as the themes for this month’s newsletter.

Because I think there’s a connection between our ability to set goals and then the discipline and commitment to stay on the path to achieve them. And that connection is love.

We use a lot of words in and out of work to avoid the word love

These are just some of them:

Self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, self-compassion = do we love ourselves?

Appreciation, feedback, recognition, being listened to = do we feel loved by others?

Can you see that if we lack a combination of self-love and a feeling of being loved by others that it will be hard to set goals or resolutions at home or work that we can stick to?

Taking time to reflect on your love story will improve your relationships everywhere

I know that Valentine’s Day is a massively commercialised day in the calendar and yet why not use this day to consider how we give, receive and embody love?

Did you know that how we were loved as children becomes our template for relating?

This “love template” influences the way we:

• recognise, express and cope with feelings (ours and other people’s)
• give and respond to feedback
• approach (or avoid!) difficult conversations
• deal with conflict and repair any ruptures
• communicate our needs
• set and honour our boundaries and respect the boundaries of others

Which is why in my 1-2-1 and team coaching practice I encourage my clients to think about their “story of belonging”; how do they fit in, what does power mean to them, is conflict healthy, how do we repair relationships, how and when do we trust?

In one of January’s weekly emails, I focused on how we can connect better through deeply listening to others. I quoted Dr Brené Brown:

“Connection is why we're here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering. Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.”

There can be no diversity, equity, inclusion or belonging without love

The uncomfortable truth is we cannot outsource corporate wellness to a mindfulness or yoga teacher just like we cannot bolt on DEI initiatives to a culture that cannot do the hard things that come with our love templates.

We need to be able to acknowledge our feelings, accept differences in others and have the skills to have hard conversations in a way that does not wreck the relationship.

Which brings to mind the idea of having a “bendy heart”:

“Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken” – Albert Camus

Valentine comes from the Latin word “Valentinus”, meaning worthy, strong or powerful

Which is why I wish all of you a Valentine’s month where you could:

• seek out moments to express appreciation to friends, family, co-workers
• take time to appreciate YOU – write down an “achievement list” of what you HAVE done so far this year

And, if you any of this has made you uncomfortable or sceptical, ask yourself:

“what is the source of my difficult feelings; why are these ideas challenging to me?”

I devoted last week’s mail to the wisdom of Carl Jung so will leave you with one I find quite powerful:

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls… the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

And if that’s not a call for all of us to give ourselves just a little bit more love, I don’t know what is!

Over to you:

What has this edition of the newsletter provoked in you?

What would you like to add to the conversation?

If you want to receive short weekly emails from me that allow for regular reflection on you, your relationships and your work, sign up here?

PS: For more on love in organisations, follow the real expert Helena Clayton and sign up to her newsletter