Are You Ready for Difficult Conversations? 2 Questions to Ask First

Last week while visiting Whistler, my partner and I biked to a local restaurant to enjoy a beer and an appetizer on the patio.

We sat down next to an older couple, and the gentleman immediately struck up a conversation.

Talking to strangers isn’t uncommon for us at all. We asked about the area, and the gentleman quickly shifted to politics—particularly American politics.

I could feel the tension in my body rise as he shared his views abruptly, without any inquiry from us.

After we left, I reflected on the conversation (or really, his Ted Talk). It wasn’t the content that bothered me. We had both similar and different views. It was his conduct.

When I teach the Energetics of Communication to my clients, I emphasize that your conduct matters.

How you say things matters.

When you boil down emotions, they come to two distinct feelings: fear and love.

Words rooted in fear are repelled.

Words rooted in love are received.

I wasn’t annoyed by the topic of conversation, though politics is one of the last things I wish to discuss with strangers. I was irritated with his conduct.

We can have highly uncomfortable conversations (relationships are built on these) from a place of love.

The way the gentleman shared his perspective—immediately insulting anyone who disagreed. There was no space for discussion or curiosity about others' experiences.

I see this same thing happen in romantic relationships.

Hell, I’ve done this in my own, and it’s not helpful.

When we come into a conversation ready to fight and make statements implying that anyone who disagrees is stupid, bad, or wrong, we repel the other person.

I have two questions you can ask to help decide whether or not to enter an uncomfortable or controversial conversation:

1. Are you open to the possibility that your point of view isn’t the only way to look at the matter?
2. Are you genuinely curious and open to learning about my perspective?

The trick is to ask yourself these questions before asking someone else.

In your relationship, if you aren’t open and curious about how your partner sees the situation through the lens of their experience, you cut off communication.

There is no room to grow.

My grandfather used to say, “Some people’s minds are like concrete—all mixed up and set hard.”

I took his words as a reminder to keep my mind flexible.

Relationships thrive when we are open and curious about how our partner thinks and feels.

You don’t have to agree with everyone, including your partner. But for a relationship to thrive, you must respect their perspective.

In your romantic relationship when you seek to understand instead of trying to persuade—you deepen intimacy.

Need help with this?

I have two spots left in my private program Relationship Repair Kit.

Email [email protected] to learn more.