Are You Reacting Or Responding In The Way You Communicate?

In my work with organisations, we focus in on the space between knowing something and being able to apply it to the day-to-day work. 

One aspect of the work I do is focused in on the dialogue we facilitate in our day-to-day interactions with others. The way leaders communicate has a significant impact on the way teams interact with what is being communicated. If we are seeking growth as an outcome of our communications, we need to create a dialogue that lends itself to responsive outcomes rather than dialogue that caused reactive outcomes.

Reactive dialogue, we see it all of the time. 

With a deadline looming, I watched a leader come at their team with a directive to get the work done asap. There was no consultative checking in. It was a barrage of demands that left the team feeling like a cannonball had hit them. They felt disgruntled. There was no, ‘ how are you, what’s on top for you, what do you need to help you keep track of all of your to-dos”. Not to mention the residual feeling that their ideas and opinions are not important. This reactive exchange made the team feel like their many years of experience meant nothing to the person speaking. To put it simply, they felt like telling this leader to get stuffed. 

There is a difference between reactive dialogue and responsible dialogue. We must understand the difference, as the outcomes of each are very different. I work with organisations in the growth space—the trick space between knowing something and applying it to the day-to-day work. The way leaders communicate has a huge impact on the way teams interact with what is being communicated. If we are seeking growth as an outcome of our communications, we need to create a dialogue that lends itself to responsive outcomes rather than dialogue that caused reactive outcomes.

Responsive dialogue, involves the speaker acting consciously and intentionally in the way the question and respond in the conversion. 

Reactive dialogue involves the speaker acting without conscious thought in the way the question and respond in the conversation.

Responsive dialogue is...

• Deep Listening - listening for the context, unsaid and meaning
• Asking and staying curious
• Checking assumptions
• Focused on the needs of others
• Seeking contribution - collaborative communications

Reactive dialogue is...

• Listening to respond - listening to yourself only.
• Telling and being dictatorial
• Acting upon assumptions
• Focused on what needs doing
• Direct and instruct orientated communications

Switching Out Of React And Into Respond.

Bregman in his book, Four seconds outlines how you can shift from react to respond in Four Seconds with the following steps. This is also supported and iterated by Jacque Scammell in her amazing book, Service Habits. 

The Four Steps.

NOTICE 

Notice that you are reacting. Notice when you are thinking and feeling in a way that may not be useful when interacting with others. The tightening of your stomach muscles or shortening of breath is psychological indicators that you are reacting to something that someone has said.

PAUSE 

Take a pause, push your chair back from the table if you are seated, physically move to another part of the space. This will help you step out of react and to respond. 

BREATHE 

Deliberately breathe - Take a breath in for four, hold for four and out for four. I know it sounds silly, but slowing your breathing by taking a deep breath in from your belly helps quieten the sympathetic nervous system that is centred around the amygdala and the fight or flight reaction.  

CATCH 

Take the time to catch the thoughts that are in your head. Oscar Trimboli - Deep Listening beyond words, talks about the 125/900 rule. We speak on average, 125 words per minute, but we think on average, 900 words per minute. In switching to respond, we need to capture some of the 800 odd words that are not jumping at the edge of our tongue and begging to come out.

So the next time you find yourself barrelled up and being the recipient of reactive dialogue and you find yourself reacting in response, try the four steps; notice, pause, breathe and catch so you can respond rather than react. As a leader, it is our job to be the person who responds. Being the reactive dialogue person has no place in leadership, and it needs to stop.