Are You a Professional Ghoster?

JUST SAY NO was an anti-drug campaign for young people back when I was in high school. It was a straight forward message that let students know, "It's okay to turn away and just say no.”

Years later, I have realised that these three little words are a powerful message in the professional world, when applied to the concept I like to call: professional ghosting. 

WHAT IS GHOSTING:

When I Googled “ghosting”, the Dictionary said:

ghosting ?ɡ??st??/ 

“the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

The Urban Dictionary went on to explain ghosting as:

“When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.”

I believe ghosting has been a term crafted around the inability to just say NO.

THE STORIES WE TELL OURSELVES:

When it’s too uncomfortable to tell someone we’re not interested, we bail. The funny thing is, we convince ourselves that we are “doing the right thing” by sparing that person a rejection. If I just don’t say anything at all, they’ll eventually get the hint, right? 

The truth behind this thinking is that it’s actually worse than a rejection. By suddenly withdrawing from communication without explanation, we’re stringing that person along, torturing them by the uncertainty of why we aren’t responding. 

Human beings are story tellers. We’ve been telling stories for centuries. And so the person on the receiving end of the “ghosting” racks their brain, ruminates and spends hours following up, asking why, scratching their head in disbelief around why this person has just flat out disappeared. 

The story telling happens for both parties involved, for not only the ‘ghostee’, but the ‘ghoster'. See, the ghoster convinces themselves that they are doing the right thing, as I said earlier. They tell themselves they are being “compassionate” by sparing the person a rejection. 

This story is a lie. I believe more harm is being done by suddenly disappearing than by saying:

• No
• I’m not interested
• This isn’t for me
• I can’t right now
• I don’t have the…. time, budget, energy, resources, etc. 
• Can you get back to me in 1,3,6 months time?

My question is, why is saying No so difficult?

THE FAILURE FACTOR:

I’ve worked with hundreds of coaching clients around the fear of failure. That wildly uncomfortable feeling we get when we’ve made a mistake, said or done the wrong thing, been rejected or totally fucked something up. 

We’ve all failed, we’re constantly failing. Some of us just know how to deal with it better than others. 

When we are first faced with failure, we push forward. Imagine if a child learning to walk decided to give up the first time they fell over. 

Little Johnny is 13 months old and is finally able to hold himself up. He slowly let’s go of the couch to take his first attempt at a step and, BAM, he’s on his bum. 

Little Johnny thinks to himself, “I am such a failure. This is too hard. Crawling it is.” 

This just doesn’t happen. Children try things for the first time, 9 times out of 10 they fail, and they keep trying. Failing is how we learn. It is how we get feedback and it is at the very core of our own personal growth and development. 

When do we start to fear failure? When does it become our enemy? 

I believe it’s when we start feeling judged by others. When the possibility of not being liked weighs heavily on our sense of self-worth. Mmmmm, I’d say around middle school time. 

GiVE UP THE GHOST(-ING)

Now, let’s apply the concept of rejection and ghosting to the professional world. 

There are three main instances when professional ghosting occurs:

1. You receive a “cold email” by a company or person selling a product or service and do not respond.
2. You have been emailing back and forth to set up a time to meet this person and you suddenly disappear off the face of the earth. 
3. You set up a meeting, chat over coffee or lunch, things are discussed, they follow up and you say nothing. 

Let’s unpack each instance:

#1 You receive a “cold email” by a company or person selling a product or service and do not respond.

I understand we are bombarded on a daily basis by other professionals, organisations, and bots trying to sell a product or service. However, we must remember that there are people behind these emails (someone had to program the bot). Human beings who are trying to make a living and feed their families, just like you and me. A simple 20 second “No, thank you” sends the message that we are not interested and chances are, they will not contact us again. Avoid the email and we will most likely be contacted again, several times. Do both parties a favour and JUST SAY NO. 

#2 You have been emailing back and forth to set up a time to meet and disappear off the face of the earth.

We have both invested our time in making contact. Perhaps the possibility of working together was discussed. Something comes up and you are no longer able to hold up your end of the discussion. A simple, “I can’t commit right now or this isn’t the right fit” sends the message that whatever was spoken about can’t happen. Excellent. The person receiving the message has an idea of what is actually going on and they can move on. 

#3 You set up the meeting, chat over coffee or lunch, they follow up and you say nothing.

We’ve sent emails back and forth, coordinated a time, met up for an hour or so and had a positive conversation about how we can work together. Opportunities were discussed and smiles were exchanged. A few days later, they follow up and receive no repsonse. A week after that they try to call or send an email, and again, no answer. After a third attempt a week or so after that, they give up. They are gobsmacked, dumbfounded and completely left in the dark as to why this person went from being excited about the possibility of working with them, to total radio silence. Instead of having the compassion around sparing the person a rejection, tell them the truth. Let them know it’s not possible, you don’t have the budget, it’s not the right fit or just flat out you aren’t interested. JUST SAY NO. 

I believe the person who can not say NO is projecting their own failure hang-ups on to the person they are avoiding. It is not up to us to decide whether or not the person we are rejecting should be spared the pain. 

For those of us starting a business, busting our ass, hustling every moment of every day to do the thing that we love - we need that pain! We need to feel the pain of rejection, we need the feedback, the criticism, and the big fat NO’s. We need to know the why in order to grow and be better at what we do - so we can also make a living, build our business and be where you are.

I have certainly been on both sides of the ghosting spectrum. I've ignored emails and been ignored. But I will practice what I preach and have now taken the 20 seconds it takes to respond to anyone who contacts me. I believe it's my duty as a human being to acknowledge the efforts of others, as I want my efforts to be. 

So please. If you are a professional ghoster, and you avoid, ignore or runaway from saying NO to someone who has contacted you, remember that you started somewhere. You had to bust your ass to make it happen. Think of how much more you could have learned from the people who would have had the balls to reject you. Imagine the time you would have saved and the growth you could have experienced by getting real feedback from the people you wanted to connect with the most. 

If you are a professional ghoster - JUST SAY NO. 

And if you have been the victim of professional ghosting, keep trying, emailing, and calling. Be tenacious, persistent and never give up. Business is a numbers game and the more people you reach out to, the more people you meet, the more likely your business will grow and never stop growing!