Are You Pretending to Be Something You’re Not?

Article Summary

One of the traps we can fall into in life is pretending to be someone or something we’re not. This article addresses why we do it, its consequences, and how to stop doing it so much.

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One of the traps we can fall into in life is pretending to be someone or something we’re not. We may wear a mask for others, adopt a persona, or impersonate someone we think is more appealing.

There are many reasons why we do this. It’s quite common.

But it can lead to big problems down the road.

Examples of Pretending in Action

What does it look like in practice? It can mean:

• pretending to be like those around us so we can fit in
• conforming ?to the expectations of others by pretending to be or like something
• pretending we like our job when we don’t
• hiding our true selves because we’re afraid of judgment or rejection by others
• pretending to be someone we think our spouse or partner wants
• hiding our mistakes or weaknesses and pretending to be?perfect
• faking something and deceiving someone to get what we want
• wearing a mask as a coping mechanism for dealing with insecurity (including our propensity for?negative self-talk ?and the “trance of unworthiness ”)
• acting like we don’t feel anger, resentment, hostility, sadness, or regret
• feigning indifference to something that hurts us deeply
• curating a perfect social media image
• concealing our sadness or disappointment that we’ve given up on ourselves or our dreams

When we do these things, we have an innate, intuitive sense that we’re treading in dangerous territory. We feel a disconnect or a guilty conscience.

We’re all familiar with the sayings over the ages urging us to be authentic and true:

“To thine own self be true.” -Shakespeare

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“March to the beat of your own drummer.”

“Know yourself, be yourself, love yourself.”

Is it as simple as that? Perhaps not. There’s some complexity here. For example, what is our “true self,” exactly? Is it always knowable, coherent, and consistent? Might it change over time?

In their article, “The Enigma of Being Yourself,” Katrina P. Jongman-Sereno and Mark R. Leary write: “the human personality invariably contains myriad personality dispositions, emotional tendencies, values, attitudes, beliefs, and motives that are often contradictory and incompatible even though they are genuine aspects of the person’s psychological make-up…. People are genuinenly multifaceted.”

The poet Walt Whitman, writing long ago, seems to agree: “Very well,” he wrote, “then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.”

Jongman-Sereno and Leary also note that our ability to adapt our behavior to meet the demands of different situations is, within limits, generally positive and important for our psychological wellbeing and social relationships. We’re also asked to play a role sometimes—whether at home, at work, or in a community group—and that’s okay.

But it’s one thing to walk around making small accommodations to smooth things out a bit and another thing altogether to walk around wearing a mask and pretending to be something very different from what we are. When we do that, it has consequences.

The Consequences of Pretending

When we hide who we really are behind a mask and adopt a counterfeit persona, there can be a price to pay. It can result in:

• putting barriers between us and the people who are important to us, including family, friends, and colleagues
• forgetting who we truly are because we’ve been disguising ourselves to others for so long
• feeling like we’re a fraud (see also “impostor syndrome ”)
• feeling exhausted from acting, pretending, and pleasing (which can all lead to lack of energy and motivation)
• creating a sense of aloofness in which people get the sense that we’re inaccessible
• continuing a nefarious pattern of avoiding deeper issues and kicking the can further down the road

This can become a downward spiral, leading to even more insecurity and anxiety than what provoked us to wear a mask in the first place.

It’s frustrating for people when they notice we’re hiding parts of ourselves. Its puts a barrier between us.

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, Masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake don’t be fooled. Charles Finn in his poem, “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying”

Let’s note here that it’s not just difficult for the insecure people among us. This can be difficult for everyone, including leaders, entrepreneurs, celebrities, and high achievers. Sometimes, more so, due to all the pressures and expectations imposed on them.

“That age-old advice to ‘be yourself’ is deceptively simple. Being yourself is a lifetime’s work of discovery and courage, stepping out from behind your fear of not being good enough.”?-Claire Law

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How to Stop Pretending So Much

Being authentic and true can be difficult because, when we put down the mask and dare to be ourselves in front of others, we feel raw, exposed, naked, and vulnerable. We feel like we can die from disapproval, rejection, or belittling.

“I was dying inside.?I was so possessed by trying to make you love me for my achievements that I was actually creating this identity that was disconnected from myself. I wanted people to love me for the hologram I created of myself.” -Chip Conley, author, entrepreneur, and founder, Modern Elder Academy

But we don’t die. We may suffer some adverse consequences, although usually?our fears are way overblown . Overall, we tend to thrive when we lean in to being ourselves more fully, openly, and unapologetically.

How to go about it? Here are some of the things we can do to help us stop pretending so much:

• know ourselves so well and deeply that we feel a sense of clarity and comfort about our true nature and begin to feel more comfortable in our own skin (a lifelong process)
• accept our flaws (what about Brene Brown calls the “gifts of imperfection”)
• engage in systematic?personal development ?to build on our strengths, interests, and aspirations and feel the joy of growth and progress
• develop the courage to let some people go (e.g., people who are judgmental, controlling, or always worrying or negative)
• notice that things usually turned out better than we expected when we were afraid of failure, judgment, or rejection
• develop our?confidence? and truly believe that we’re enough
• remove our mask as much as possible in front of those we love the most, deepening connection and building our capacity to be real in front of others
• dig down into the root causes that led us to want to avoid being ourselves
• take an occasional break from the heavy responsibilities of being ourselves (“The energy required to maintain your identity is probably greater than you realize, and finding a way to relinquish it regularly can help you recharge.” -David Brooks)

Yes, there are many things we can do, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

“Being true to who you really are can be one of the hardest things to do in life.”?-Carlii Lyon, Australian executive

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The Benefits of Being Ourselves

When we start putting the mask down more often, we’re doing two important things, according to researchers.

First, we’re developing our self-acceptance—our acceptance of all our attributes, whether positive or negative.

Second, we’re developing our authenticity—the degree to which our behavior is congruent with our attitudes, beliefs, and values. In her book,?The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown defines authenticity as “the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” She notes that it requires audacity to be authentic.

What are the results of developing our self-acceptance and authenticity? There are many benefits, according to researchers, including:

• improving wellbeing
• feeling free
• building confidence
• developing better relationships
• boosting work performance
• protecting our mood in the face of setbacks
• building our mental strength
• cultivating a sense of peace
• feeling less compulsive and anxious
• lowering the barriers we’ve placed between ourselves and others
• developing our capacity to distance ourselves from outside expectations and extrinsic motivations
• avoiding one of the?most common and difficult regret s—the regret of living our lives by the lights of others instead of by our own guiding lights

“Studies have even shown that feelings of authenticity can go hand in hand with numerous psychological and social benefits: higher self-esteem, greater well-being, better romantic relationships, and enhanced work performance.”?-Jennifer Beer, “The Inconvenient Truth about Your ‘Authentic’ Self,”?Scientific American, March 2020

Related Traps

Of course, the trap of pretending to be someone or something we’re not doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s related to several of the other?common traps of living , including:

• “The Trap of Caring Too Much about What Other People Think ”
• “The Mental Prisons We Build for Ourselves ”
• “Breaking the ‘Trance of Unworthiness’ ”
• “The Conformity Trap ”
• “The Perfectionism Trap ”

Reflection Questions

1. Are you wearing a mask in front of others and pretending to be someone or something you’re not?
2. What will you do, starting today, to lean in to being yourself more fully, openly, and unapologetically?

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Gregg Vanourek ?is a writer, teacher, TEDx speaker, and coach on personal growth and leadership development. He is co-author of three books, including?LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives ?(a manifesto for integrating our life and work with purpose, passion, and contribution) and?Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations ?(a winner of the International Book Awards). Take Gregg’s?Traps Test (Common Traps of Living), ?complete his?Personal Values Exercise , check out his?Best Articles , or get his?newsletter . If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

(This article originally appeared on Gregg Vanourek's blog: "Are You Pretending to Be Something You’re Not? ")