Are You Prepared to be Loved?

Many of us don't believe we are worthy of love, even if we have loved ones we enjoy. Maybe you are very lucky, and have a family you know cares about you. What are you expecting of your loved ones when, and if, you become incapacitated or very vulnerable?

As a professional trustee and executor, who has been in this career for almost 20 years, I have seen a lot of elders and their families. There is a way to protect the family harmony, and the way you are loved by your family and friends, which I'll get to in a moment.

Here's an important idea to keep in mind as we proceed. Incapacity (the inability to care for yourself independently) is often a surprise. One day you are shopping for your own groceries, driving your car or managing public transportation, then suddenly, you can't be the one to select or carry those groceries, and you certainly cannot drive. What happens? How quickly can help step in to keep your life, the way you know it, going? Are you prepared to be loved, without giving any further instruction? Most of us are not prepared, and we find it hard to consider disrupting our children or grandchildren. Since it is unpleasant to think of dealing with these issues alone, many of us put off making decisions to protect and nurture ourselves, until it is too late.

So how can we protect ourselves, and our families from serious disruption if we get too sick, or mentally ill, to take care of ourselves? We set down our preferences in writing, and we select specific people to be the "responsible party" when we need them to go into action. This role is so important, we select more than one person (three is recommended) to step up in case our first choice is not able, or is unwilling to serve us when the crisis occurs.

The concepts above are what estate planning is all about. You have power, right now, to make all decisions for yourself (I know this because you have read this far). You may have a spouse who could take over essential tasks like grocery shopping and bill paying. You may have a nephew, or a daughter, who lives nearby, who you expect to be available the day you need help. Let's do a thought experiment to test if this is the right person...

You are at the doctors office for a routine check-up and you are told that you must go to the hospital, right now. The doctor tells you that you will need emergency surgery when you arrive at the hospital, and there is a chance that you will not fully recover your brain function, or your ability to walk. He hopes out loud that you have a plan in place.

It is Tuesday, 1:30pm. You are alone at the doctor’s office for a routine check-up and you are told that you must go to the hospital, right now. The doctor tells you that you will need emergency surgery when you arrive at the hospital, and there is a chance that you will not fully recover your brain function, or your ability to walk. He hopes out loud that you have a plan in place.

You can hear the nurse calling an ambulance to come get you, and you are asked for the name and phone number of "your person" - the one who will arrange to collect your car from the doctor's office parking lot, today (otherwise it will be towed). The one who will make tax, legal, financial, and medical decisions for you, starting today, at least until you recover.

Who is your Person (your Fiduciary)? Do they know they have the job? Have you created a written estate plan with a qualified attorney so that your Person knows what to do?

Fewer than 1/3 of American adults have a plan in place to deal with a sudden change as described above. Many families just do the best they can, but in the worst cases, the elder is taken advantage of, families don’t know what to do or who to ask, and the principal (you) may be neglected or isolated. Without a written, signed, estate plan, you are at the mercy of the medical and court systems, at the worst time in your life.

You have a great opportunity to plan ahead for the “Future You”. The Future You needs to be safe, cared for, have the bills paid, and be free to heal and be loved, when the time comes. Your incapacity might be temporary, or permanent, but either way, if you have a plan, your family, and your chosen professionals, can do the right thing for you, by relying on the instructions you have created for just such a life chapter.

You are worth the time and expense to plan ahead. I hope you get your plan done in time.

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Marguerite Lorenz, CTFA, CLPF is a Managing Partner with Lorenz Private Trustees, MyTrustee.net, and has been serving High-Net-Worth families as a professional trustee, agent and executor since 2003.

Ms. Lorenz, served as Chair of the Professional Fiduciary Bureau Advisory Committee, Professional Fiduciaries Bureau. She serves as Vice Chair for the Independent Trustee Alliance (TrusteeAlliance.com) – Her book, Ethics for Trustees 2.0, explains more about the topics introduced above. Click the book title to get your own copy.

To learn more, visit Marguerite's other LinkedIn articles