Are you playing 'the blame game'?

Brené Brown once said, "If you're not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback."

Which is why I've always been fascinated by the idea that film or food critics make a living sharing their opinion and criticising something they've never actually done themselves.?

It's as if someone thought it would be a good idea to write a book on how to raise children without ever actually having any kids of their own.

That would be kind of weird, right?

And yet I can't help but reflect on the aftermath of England's men football team being inches away from making history by breaking a 55 year old agonising curse for English fans around the world, only to fall short in the final crucial seconds.

But as with most things in life, sometimes things turn out differently than we'd hope.

Say when our living room ceiling came crashing down last Tuesday morning, covering our children's toys with dust and rumble, turning our home into some sort of war zone.?

Thank God no one was in the living room?at the time when it collapsed, but that certainly wasn't part of the plan.

No matter how you run it, penalties are always going to leave one team and their fan base devastated and heart broken.?

Regardless of why or who missed the crucial shot.?

I mean can you imagine the pressure of a whole nation's dreams resting on your shoulders with 60,000?people?staring at you, as you step forward to take the crucial kick? It's crazy.

Now imagine being 19 years old.

No one can understand that kind of pressure or what kind of courage it takes to step forward.

And yet it's OK to be sad. Hell, it's OK to be angry or mad too when things don't go your way.

These are part of the normal human range of emotions.?

The problem however is when we aren't equipped with or haven't been taught how to process these said emotions (or been given an outlet to express them in a healthy way).

I think that's why I've been shocked at the negative backlash and racial abuse some players have received from a minority of English supporters following England's defeat in the Euro 2020 final last Sunday.

How quickly some people went from dreamers and believers to haters and abusers, making their opinions and views known in a very public and damaging way.

Which in a way only underlines the important message players and staff were trying to send by taking a knee before each game.

"The pressure to deliver is felt by every sportsperson but when you are a minority representing your country this is a layered experience. Success would feel like a double victory, but a miss feels like a two-fold failure when its compounded with racist abuse." Lewis Hamilton

As I've been pondering on what would make a human being grab their phone, jump on social media and "verbally" abuse another human being by any means necessary to hurt them, it dawned on me that actually, what we're seeing is the tail end of pain.

I make up that deep down beneath the surface the inner emotional dialogue of some of these so called supporters may sound a little something like this:?

"I want you to feel my pain,?frustration and anger?as I have no idea what to do with all these feelings I'm experiencing right now. I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm hurt. These feelings aren't new, they've been festering for a while,?I?feel as if nobody gets me and I've just about had it!"

Unprocessed grief is usually a fertile ground for anger.?And anger, is pain's body guard.

So whoever thought it would be a good idea to vandalise a mural honouring 23 year old footballer Marcus Rashford MBE with a?graffiti?after England Euro 2020 defeat probably weren't very happy with themselves.?

And?most likely have no idea how to deal with their grief (i.e. pain).?Which may be no fault of their own.

This is no way meant to justify the?behaviour?of those who believe saying?hurtful, racist and?degrading?comments are OK, but rather it's to take a step back and try and better understand why is this happening, where else is this showing up in our lives and what can we actually do about it?

You see I've seen this scenario play out in different settings. Not just in football or with regards to racism.?

Where people who are in pain, unable to deal?with?it, end up hurting others in the process to somehow feel better. Sadly, the reality is that on the long run, they rarely ever do feel better for it.

Be it the bully at my school who kept on picking on other students, only to find out that actually deep down he was insecure because he couldn't read, and his dad would beat him with a belt?every?time he came back home with a poor report.?

Or how one of my first managers in my twenties was a total arse hole and mistreated the whole team, yelling at us and making us feel small, only to realise that the reason he was acting out that way was because he simply didn't know better.

That's how his previous manager taught him, and the irony is that the more he got?results?for the company, the more the company rewarded him, regardless of the?human?collateral?damage.

I'm also not saying that the examples above compare to what it feels like to be on the receiving end of racism.

When I was a child, every time a family argument would break out I used to say that my parents and grandparents played what I call The Blame Game.?

The Blame Game basically boils down to trying by any means necessary to point the finger at someone else and avoid taking responsibility at all cost when something doesn't go to plan.

Regardless of if it's your fault or not.

It's a really easy game to play, after all, as if you can differ the responsibility to someone else you don't have to deal with the feelings of shame or guilt that come up with owning up to our mistakes or shortcomings.?

I think in a way that's why some people feel the need to shout at someone else, to abuse someone else, in order for them not to have to take any responsibility for their own feelings.

Be it on social media or in the office.

And yet, one of the most freeing things you can do in your life is to realise that ultimately, taking responsibility for everything in your life is the only way to truly be free.

In fact I truly believe that everyone is a leader, regardless of your job title, age or background, and that leaders take responsibility for their world.

That's why I was glad to see England's coach,?Gareth Southgate OBE,?who has shown tremendous humility, compassion and commitment to his values, step up and take full responsibility after the game.

He didn't blame, point fingers or throw anyone under the bus. He acknowledged that ultimately the final outcome of the game was a direct result of his decisions.

That to me is true leadership.

Because you and I?could sit here and point fingers at those who we deem to be "bad" or "evil", those who spill racist and hate fuelled comments online, without taking any responsibility for how we ended up here.

Be it the environment we've co-created or the people we've elected to lead us.

Because whether we like it or not, leaders set the weather for the organisation or the nation.

You see, it's not because it's not your fault that it doesn't affect you.

And it's not because you didn't create the problem in the first place that you can't be part of the solution.

My point is,?those who somehow believe that?it's OK to degrade another person based on their ethnicity, colour of their skin, religion or sexual orientation (to name a few) must in fact be in a tremendous amount of pain to lash out in that way.

It takes a certain level of being lost in one's?existence?to latch on to a story that involves the need to degrade somebody else's humanity to somehow feel better about yourself.

England didn't lose last Sunday because three of the youngest?players missed their penalty.

England lost last Sunday because of a series of decisions that led to the final outcome being decided by penalties. It was a collective effort.?Not an individual fault.?It's that simple.

UFC President Dana White often says when fighters loose by decision and feel robbed about the outcome, "do not leave the decision in the hands of the judges".

Which translates to, "make sure you either knockout, submit or TKO your?opponent".

In football, that means score more goals than the opposite team before the clock runs out.

To finish off, I wanted to say that I personally don't?know?anyone who is content with who they are, are able to deal with their emotions in a healthy way and who also go out of their way to criticise or hut somebody else intentionally.

It just doesn't work that way.

Happier people make better decisions.

My wish is that somehow we could come from a place of empathy, take a step back and get to the root cause of the pain and grief?being?experienced by some of us.

Not just in football, but in the office too.

Once we do that, my hope is that we can then equip everyone with the tools needed to deal with our emotions, be it anger, pain or grief in a healthier way.

So?that?maybe one day we can live in a world where racisms, homophobia, misogyny and the likes are not just?something of the past, but rather something that we know how to heal for our generation and generations to come.?

I’ve grown into a sport where I expect to read things written about myself. Whether it be the colour of my skin, where I grew up, or, most recently, how I decide to spend my time off the pitch. I can take critique of my performance all day long, my penalty was not good enough, it should have gone in but I will never apologise for who I am and where I came from. - Marcus Rashford MBE

If you haven't seen this yet, Marcus Rashford wrote a moving and powerful post on his Instagram account which I recommend?you read here.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the above.

I read every response in the comment section below ??

Be true, be brave, be kind. And let it rip.

Mark

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Mark Leruste is an award-winning podcast host, speaker, author and founder of the Ministry of Purpose whose mission is to normalise the human condition and empower founders and business leaders to clarify their purpose to better inspire and lead their people. To get Mark's weekly tip on how to live and lead a more meaningful and purposeful life visit www.markleruste.com.