Are you the person others expect you to be? Should you be?

Do people perceive you’re the person you should be? If not, your relationship just might be doomed. No matter how great a person you actually are.

As a specific example, if the Presales Leader speaks to the Sales Leader with concern about the performance of an AE, what’s the response?

How does the sales leader feel? Annoyed? Concerned and anxious to get details?

When a sales leader finds that annoying or even offensive, you might be inclined to think he’s just a jerk or insecure but maybe not. Consider this element of Social Styles.

When someone believes we should be a certain style, and we are NOT, that can cause relationship stress.

Imagine the Presales Leader is a Driver. And now imagine the sales leader thinks he should be any of the other styles: Analytical, Amiable, Expressive. That has been shown to be a significant cause of stress.

If someone expects a certain style, he will expect certain behaviour. And he'll be surprised, possibly offended, if the behaviour is different.

Imagine as an example:

The sales leader expects presales to be Amiable. | The presales leader is actually Driver.

You have a double-whammy. Being in the ‘wrong’ style isn’t great. Being in the diametrically opposite style can be deadly.

Diametrically opposed styles have been shown to be a common cause of relationship stress. We just don’t see eye to eye on much of anything. He thinks you should care about people above all. You believe in facts first. He believes you should be methodical and detailed. You like to move quickly get details later. He believes you should do what you’re told. Ha!

This is a relationship challenge. Not just Driver / Amiable. Any diametrically opposite scenario has the same issues. It will take work to overcome. That work can and should start with awareness. Understand what style you are. Understand the other person’s style. And work really hard to determine what style that person thinks you should be. Does it match what you actually are?

If not, now that you have a basic understanding, you can consider:

• Adapt your style to be a little as expected. No, don’t try to change yourself. But you can do some things differently for a while and still be authentic.
• Time yourself. Staying with the Driver who’s expected to be Amiable example: You have great suggestions for demo strategy. But the AE expects you to take direction because anything else seems strange to him. And maybe it challenges his perception of himself as leader. Wait a bit. Listen to his ideas for strategy. Agree with the good ones. THEN present your own.
• Amiable is expected to ASK more than TELL. Driver is more inclined to TELL. Use questions instead of declarative statements. “What do you think of…?” Instead of “We should ….” or “This is what I’ll be doing in the demo.” That’s not so hard. But you’ll have to plan it to overcome your natural tendencies.

Borrow someone else's style. Get support from someone who already has a good relationship with this person. Have them present one of your ideas and give you credit.

·      If you know the person well and have an otherwise good relationship, talk about it.

Those are just a few ideas. What would you do?