Are you a People Pleasing Leader? How to stop it from holding you back

By Natalie Lincolne

Last week when I was chairing the Perth Women in Leadership Summit, one of the speakers asked the audience, who here is a people pleaser? A staggering 80% of them raised their hands (mine was one of them).

We all compromise our authenticity to some degree to meet the demands and expectations of a workplace. A people pleasing leader might even seem like a desirable trait ?—?they value people, serve selflessly with a positive attitude and they understand others’ feelings and needs. But when the need to please everyone comes before their own well-being it can be detrimental to them and their teams, leading to stress and burn out while impeding their ability to influence outcomes. Knowing how to recognise the balance between the standout leader who helps the team, pitches in during peak work periods and builds team connectedness, and the one who says yes to everything to the detriment of their own wellbeing, is critical to leadership success.

So how to tell if you’re a people pleasing leader?

The difference is, leaders who say yes because it aligns with their values are not people pleasing, while leaders who say yes to appear easy going and flexible but inside feel resentful, overwhelmed or overworked are veering into people pleasing territory.

Ask yourself these questions —?do you:

·?????? Work long hours trying to meet everyone’s expectations?

·?????? Apologise or accept blame even when you’re not at fault?

·?????? Avoid conflict whenever you can?

·?????? Need advice from others before making decisions?

·?????? Feel guilty when you set team boundaries?

·?????? Find it difficult to ask someone to take on a tough assignment?

·?????? Resent always being asked to do more without having your needs considered?

·?????? Find it difficult to delegate and hold others accountable?

If you answered yes to most of these, what steps can you take to set boundaries? The good news is that it is possible to be a kind, helpful and caring leader without being a people pleaser — it’s not a contradiction in terms.?

Here are 4 practical tips to help you get started in setting boundaries:

1.???????? Take care of yourself first

It’s not selfish to take care of yourself; it’s a necessity if you don’t want to get sick, tired and irritable.? As a leader, it’s important that you “put on your own oxygen mask first”, so that you can have a clear mind to make decisions that benefit your team in the long run.

Take steps to manage your calendar so that you block out time for your priority deliverables, and opt out of meetings where your attendance isn’t essential.? Find other ways to stay informed about these issues without investing time that takes you away from your own priorities. Schedule lunch breaks and home time and stick to them as much as possible.

Outside of work, make time for yourself to participate in an activity just for you (exercise, socialising, hobbies, rest). And check in with yourself regularly about how you’re feeling and whether you need to align your actions with your values.

2.???????? Accept that everyone’s opinions don’t matter equally

Honestly, you’ll never make everyone happy. So which relationships should you value the most?? It’s natural that you will value the opinions of those with whom you have close relationships or those who you hold in high regard. But note that all healthy relationships involve compromise and it’s natural to want to do things that make others happy. A good guide is to make sure that helpful acts are mutually reciprocative.? If you’re unsure, ask yourself if you’re compromising out of fear of being disliked, how much the other person means to you and whether you are both making compromises.

3.???????? Set boundaries around other people’s needs and priorities

When you let other’s priorities dominate, you’re essentially saying that “others are more important than me”. This is probably something you’ve internalised since childhood and it can take real effort to replace this thought with something more accurate. The world is made up of huge diversity, why shouldn’t your perspective be valued? It’s when diverse ideas collaborate respectfully that the richness of life and solid relationships often lie.

Regularly remind yourself that your feelings, opinions and ideas matter. It’s important that you treat yourself as a valuable person, in the same way you do for the people you care about.

Write a list of what’s in your control to change, even if it’s scary. Have that conversation with your manager about what you or your team needs, that awkward conversation with your colleague, negotiate with that lovely but disorganised client and set limits on your responsiveness after hours.? All of this will help.

4.???????? Have an honest “difficult” conversation

Conversations that we avoid often mean that our needs, feelings and wants are supressed, which disconnects us from others. It also disconnects us from ourselves, so we become dependent on others for advice and validation and we feel resentful and stressed.

Learning to speak calmly and clearly about your needs and feelings allows others to work collaboratively with you to find a way forward that doesn’t mean you saying yes to something you don’t want to. Use assertive “I” statements, and pre-plan your response to common situations that seem to catch you out. Practicing giving feedback or saying no with a friend is a good dress rehearsal too.

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If you want to explore this topic some more, I highly recommend Hailey Magee’s book Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power. Ensuring leaders have the right support and guidance in overcoming their challenges has a profound impact on creating a positive organisational culture. At Incredible People our mission is to build incredible leaders so they can build incredible teams. If you would like to learn how to confidently set boundaries and overcome your unique leadership challenges, get in touch today to find out how we can help www.incrediblepeople.com.au

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