Are you parenting a Linkedin Achiever or the next Thomas Alva Edison?

As I open my Linkedin browser, the page is full of accolades, certifications, job change announcements, trending news and these days career advice by mentors. A refreshing change has been people sharing greater details on personal lives such as sabbaticals, parenting challenges as well as achievements and life in general. This welcome change is critical to give a holistic perspective on one’s achievements.

Unfortunately, our lives have been taken over by these listed achievements.

This is of course not a new observation on my part. I have on my reading list for 7 years now “ The Road to Character” by David Brooks, recommended by longtime mentor Dan Galvan . The book raises a pertinent question that one’s eulogy should not be their CV but rather a more holistic life lived.

But nothing drilled this point further in a way I truly understand than parenthood did.

I am now mother to 3.5 year old beautiful boy who has started his first year in mainstream schooling. While I value the routine, the discipline, the social skills, team camaraderie that schooling brings, I also worry about his age, his capability and the lack of time to do anything other than go to school, take naps and get through Homework. Yes, Serena Williams started training at 3. Yes, kids learn early. It is a race. But this race is clouding our judgement and filling our days with so much that there is little time for play learn and boredom.

I revisited the Bollywood film “Taare Zameen Par”, now after becoming a parent. It left me in tears and I have been watching on repeat mode. The movie narrates the story of a Dyslexic child, whose parents try everything possible in their understanding and capacity to help him fit into mainstream schooling. I can relate to them.

They are like any other parent, who want their child to win the race.

Parents who are stressed since their days are filled with routines. They tried everything, the Mother had quit her job and was available full-time. She was patient and taught the child herself. And yet, she could not breakthrough to him as did a teacher who recognised the child's dyslexia and spent time with him to teach him through alternative reading methods. His love, his patience and most importantly his observational capability to recognise what bothered the child, left the loving parents baffled.

It is scary because it is familiar. Children are always distracted and curious. While, schooling now, has lot of fun learning, they still need to write and do homework. Whereas, they like playtime and dawdling. They are too young to realise the importance of productivity and that dawdling makes them too tired to cope with piling work. They need lots and lots of love, patience, coaxing, creativity to get such “undesirable” tasks done.

Yet amid all these, unfathomable emotions and demands of the system, they are as human as we parents are. They try. They want to do good work. They like getting appreciation in their notebooks. They want to feel confident. They slink away when it feels difficult. They want to work hard but get terrified when results don’t come or it feels too difficult.

But it not easy for a tired parent to grasp this. They are busy keeping tabs on routine to get the next task done. The parent knows this. But the parent is frustrated. If they indulge in play the homework will take 2 hours to get done versus trying the firm approach which will get it done in 30 mins. If it takes 2 hours they know kid will end up under-slept or hungry or tired. They firmly believe the child needs this firmness by hook or crook and its their job to do what is good for the child.

And this belief sometimes leads to firms words without realising the full effect of those on the child. Normal sounding logic such as scoldings for unfinished work or comparison with friends is just a parental attempt to emphasise importance of the task. We tell them, they don't listen.

But eventually work has to be done. Everyday. Either firmly or once the Parent calms enough to see child needs help and then handholding them. We obviously have moments of victory when child does it voluntarily figures it out and feels good.

But amid all this- the tiny sliver of what the kid wants to do naturally is missed, buried or thrown away. ( I can relate to the character in the movie as my kid loves funny- he laughs when the eraser has a funny shape. He laughs when he makes a V instead of a Y and when he laughs, he works faster.)

However, the reality is that kid needs understanding every single time on why he is scared or distracted to do it. He needs assurance and confidence or a firm hand to bring him back. He WANTS to do it. He is pleading for help. And the fear is not always evident. It appears to be numerous others things kid can't communicate- maybe he is tired, maybe hungry, maybe under-slept, maybe cranky, maybe scared OR maybe just being naughty. Problem is once the basics are cleared the default assumption is always, kid is being naughty or lazy and needs discipline to tired mind.

The child in this story eventually finds a teacher who can get through to him and he flourishes. He didn’t know why he was unable to flourish. But the parents didn't know and couldn't figure it out too!

The truth is that the child was brilliant with keen attention and imagination. Someone who could construct a working model sail boat from wood or paint unimaginable detailed blend of colors. He could be a wonderful animation film director, story teller. He had pride. He experienced anger.

Unfortunately we don't live in the film world. We obviously need to put our kids in school and teach them basics. Homeschooling is not as easy or grand as it sounds.

So what can the parent do to free their mind to be so actively and physically present to observe the child and ask the child- why he wants to do something or why he doesn’t want to do something?How can we help them through the system and yet not stop stunting their original thinking and creativity?

?Ideas are welcome!! Jaydip Sikdar Prakash Dhoot Prashant Puri Lyngwa M S Vilkhu . Vaishali Choudhary Kadambini Rana Irfan Ahmed Pavana Gowri Nihit S. Ananth Vinay Mullapudi Kiran Kattamuri Tarun B.