Are you OK?

For those of you who know me well, you will know that I have never been a great sleeper and in fact its safe to say that sleep has been the joker to my batman for as long as I can remember.

Put simply, sleep hates me!!

I have never had a major issue getting to sleep and are well known for passing out on the sofa or even better the infamous “Timmy Sneak” which will see me slink off to bed in the middle of a dinner party without telling anyone.

My issue isn’t dropping off to the land of Nod, its staying there long enough to enjoy the scenery. I simply can’t wake up, roll over and get back to sleep.

My very understanding wife Amy seems to have no issue with staying asleep and could sleep all day if she could do so. Unfortunately kids make that an impossible dream.

I seem to have a brain that wakes up very fast and once awake is ready for action. 

Before I know it I am firing off emails to our crew, planning the day ahead and thinking about new ideas and opportunities. I used to think it was a badge of honour that I could wake at 2 am, start working and go throughout the day on no more than 4 hours sleep.

It was my superhero power.

Truth be known, I also got some sort of weird kick out of the fact that I could function as well as most people without a lot of sleep. Look at me emailing you at 3.30am. I’m the man because I don’t need sleep. What BS!!

I recently wrote a post about constantly looking back in time to when things were a lot better and we weren’t fighting day and night to survive. In the post I mentioned that the worst time for me was between 2 am and 4 am when I would be wide-awake thinking about the past. 

I initially blamed COVID for this problem, but truth be known it was there well before someone ate a bat.

If I think about it now, I have been a bad sleeper since I was a kid. It didn’t help that I grew up in a family of very early risers and was never able to sleep in, even on weekends. Our Father installed in my brother and I that the early bird gets the worm and in the race to success you are better to get a head start. Now this isn’t a dig at the old man as he was only doing what he thought best, but when I think about it now its clear that my relationship with sleep was destined to be a rocky one.

Before you ask, I have tried all the traditional ways to get a good night’s kip, including exercise, light meals, no booze (definitely not the hardest vice to quit), no devices in bed…… the list goes on. 

Nothing seemed to work. 

I have also been lucky to have friends give me all sorts of advice and different types of medication including melatonin, bee pollen, magnesium, sleep drops and even weed.

I basically became a human drug trial for all things relating to sleep. Unfortunately nothing really worked and I continued to wake in the night, often cursing my mates for crappy advice.

I eventually turned to the hard stuff and started popping a cheeky half triazolam every night, which worked ok, but made me feel alittle less onto it the next day.

Ultimately, I came to the realisation that sleep and I would never really be going to be the best of mates, but provided I kept being able to function on very little of it, then life would be ok.

Maybe it was just the way that I was built. I had heard stories of people like The Iron Lady, Margret Thatcher who only ever got 4 hours shut eye and look what she was able to accomplish. “The Donald” is another also famously known for not sleeping, though in his case its apparently because greatness doesn’t do sleep.

I had accomplished a fair bit over my 45 years on the back of little sleep, so maybe I don’t need to stress about it. At the end of the day you control what you can control right?

That was until I finally gave up and took some advice (ok, it was intervention) to see a doctor about my sleeping problem. Turns out my lack of sleeping isn’t due to a love of central Otago Pinot, but more around what is happening in my head. It’s probably not that surprising given what has happened this year.

A year that has seen our “normal” become totally “unnormal” in a very short space of time.

Over the course of this year I found myself getting rather emotional about things that I wouldn’t normally get emotional about. I have struggled to make clear decisions at times or see the “wood for the trees”. I told myself that this was due to my lack of sleep, stress about the future, courtesy of a world pandemic.

I honestly never considered for a second that perhaps it might be something else.

I am your quintessential kiwi male who lives by the “she’ll be right” attitude and never once thought any of my problems could be related to my mental health. My only real interaction with mental health was through supporting charities like Mike King’s “I am Hope” Vespa tour of New Zealand where we had JUCY campers as support vehicles. We sponsored this tour because we are a massive fan of the likes Mike King and Sir JK and think what they have done to bring mental health out of the shadows is incredible.

Great for other people, but not required for me. Little did I know!

From the moment I logged onto my FaceTime appointment with Dr. Shrink (COVID restrictions meant I missed out on the Soprano couch scene), I knew I should have done this a lot sooner.

I have to say it’s a weird thing to tell a complete stranger that you are struggling, but also amazingly cathartic at the same time. I opened like an umbrella and before I knew it we had spoken for an hour and the day seemed a lot brighter. 

After my appointment I was prescribed some medication that was meant to help me ensure I get 8 hours good sleep and also make me feel alittle more up for the challenge when I woke up.

I have to say the first night wasn’t great. I didn’t like the way this pill made me feel and woke up in the middle of the night as per normal, this time cursing the Doc.

After a robust debate (otherwise known as an argument) with Amy in the morning, I agreed to try again and to my surprise I slept through the entire second night and woke feeling pretty good.

That was 3 weeks ago and today I write this after yet another blinder of a sleep. I have not only fallen in love with my bed and discovered an alarm feature on my phone, but also noticed that I have been able to cope with some things a lot better than I would have a few months ago. Win/Win.

What I have also found is that people around me are noticing the “Old Tim” is back. Its like when you lose weight and people tell you how good you look and it motivates you to continue.

I have lost weight, but this time it’s not measured in kilograms.

It’s invisible weight that could have more of an impact than Donuts and French fries ever will.

Last Thursday was World Mental Health day and it’s a good opportunity to acknowledge that everyone can be affected by mental health challenges at some point during their lives.

Mine is right now, but I’m ok with it, as I know there is ways to get through tough times and have incredible support to make sure I do.

#ruok #iamhope