Are You Negotiating with Yourself Well?

Some people love the thrill of a good negotiation while others tremble at the very thought. You probably don’t realize that most of the negotiating you do is with yourself.

Most of us think of negotiation when it is time to make a big purchase or construct some kind of important deal. If you have ever had to buy a car you probably dreaded negotiating with people who have all the behind-the-scenes data and spend all day negotiating. If you have ever had to negotiate a starting salary or pay increase, you probably dreaded the idea of needing something and having to negotiate with someone who has most of the power in the situation.

However, we spend most of our time negotiating with ourselves without even realizing we are doing it.

• Have you dreaded going to work every day at a job you loathe, but keep telling yourself all the reasons you should stay? You negotiated with yourself.
• Have you ever had doubts about an important belief, but you tucked them away because the answers might not work out how you want them to? You negotiated with yourself.
• Have you ever stayed in a relationship you didn’t think was best, but kept finding reasons you should make it work? You negotiated with yourself.

One of the definitions of negotiate is “to find a way over or through a difficult obstacle or path.” We often have problems that have clear or simple solutions. But when we realize it, we don’t like part of the solution. So, we negotiate the solution away and find a rationale for keeping the problem. We negotiated on behalf of our own worst interest.

I was coaching someone recently and asked them a series of questions that brought them to their response, “Yeah, but that would ruin my life.”

I was taken back. Their response seemed incredibly dramatic. I saw the potential as a way out of their problem. They saw it as ruining their life. They explained it would disrupt too many parts of their life. Of course, they were still stuck with their problem. But at least they weren’t disrupted. Negotiated.

They negotiated in favor of sameness over happiness. That’s okay. We do it all the time. The important thing is to be aware we are negotiating. Aware we are trading one thing for another. The delusion comes in if we think we don’t have alternatives.

We might trade comfort for adventure, nostalgia for reality, group peace for personal peace, money for integrity, relationships for power, or popularity for honesty. There are thousands of negotiations we make with ourselves to navigate life.

You may wonder if you are a good negotiator. A question I ask my clients often is, “What is it you really want?” If you know what you want but keep finding excuses for not having it, you are a bad negotiator. You are telling yourself why you shouldn’t have what you want. A good negotiator will figure out how to make a good deal for themselves.

When you begin achieving personal fulfillment without a life or mind full of caveats, you have begun to negotiate well.

David B. McLaughlin is the founder of Pendulum Coaching, LLC and host of the podcast,?The Mindful Leader.?David is a popular speaker and coach on mindfulness and emotional intelligence. You can learn more at?pendulumcoaching.com?and sign up for his weekly email newsletter. But wait, there’s more! He also made a blues album that is available on all streaming platforms!?Find out more at?thatsfantasticentertainment.com.??