You need this skill at work and at home

There’s one skill that’s equally important at work and at home. And that’s effective communication.

One way to really enhance your communication skills is to become an Active Listener.?

What is Active Listening?

Active Listening isn’t just waiting for someone else to stop talking so that you can have your say.

And it’s not listening in. It’s not hearing conversations or picking up one side of a phone call.?

Active Listening is listening to the person you’re interacting with: really listening.

It involves concentrating on what they’re trying to communicate, with both their words and their body language. It’s also noting what they’re not saying - those issues they’re trying to avoid.

Why is Active Listening Important?

Active Listening is important because it forms a much more effective connection between you and the other person. It’s a brilliant skill to have because we’re living in such a fast world where we just scroll, expect to have instant access to information and make very quick decisions.

This applies whether you’re interacting with a colleague at work or your partner or child.

"I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening." Larry King, CNN

How do you become an Active Listener?

Here are 5 easy steps to becoming an Active Listener

1. Be curious

Really focus on what the other person is saying. It’s not just hearing the words they use but also watching their body language. Most communication doesn’t involve any words at all.

But when words ARE spoken, people tend to choose words really carefully, without realising it. You’ll find that they use the same word or phrase multiple times or they will use a phrase that’s really an analogy for how they’re feeling.?

To give you an example, a client of mine went back in hypnosis to an event when her teacher was drawing her on the board with a sieve as her head because she couldn’t remember anything about maths. And she told me “I can’t believe how many times I’ve said I have a head like a sieve” and she hadn’t even noticed she was doing it.

2. Summarise

If you’ve been actively listening to someone, you should be able to summarise what they’ve said. Could you write an article headline about what the person told you?? If you can do that, if you can encapsulate what they’ve just said as a headline, then you’ve really got it. You really listened

3. Playback

It’s then really useful to play back to them what you think they’ve said. Not after every sentence, but as a quick summary. This not only shows that you’ve been listening, it gives the message that it’s important for you to understand what they’ve told you. It also gives them a chance to correct you.?

4. Give your undivided attention

When someone’s trying to communicate with you, the one thing they want above all else is your attention. Even if you think you’re listening, as soon as you’ve got your phone in your hand your child, family member, colleague - whoever you’re listening to - will instantly get the message that something might come up that’s more important than them.?

You know that experience when you hear a notification or something appears on your screen and your eyes just flick to it. And it’s not your fault - that’s exactly what all the apps on your phone are designed to do. Just put your mobile down when you need to pay attention to someone else.?

5. Listen without judgement

Listening without judgement is vitally important if you want someone (particularly an adolescent) to continue to confide in you. I’m lucky I have a pretty good poker face so that no one can really tell what I’m thinking. That’s really helped when I’ve been put in upsetting situations or hearing shocking or heartbreaking events from clients. I’ve also used it to good effect with my children.

It doesn’t matter what they’re telling you, it doesn't matter how shocking it is. Just be grateful that they’re talking to you. This is equally important if a colleague comes to you in a crisis. You can move onto dealing with it in a second, but remaining calm and not flinching away from what they’re telling you will make them know that it’s safe to continue.

Is Active Listening a key parenting tool?

The simple answer is, ‘yes’. This is particularly true during the teenage years when there’s a need for independent thought and action. A teenager needs your attention and to know that you'll listen without judgement, otherwise they'll just stop confiding in you.

Active listening is a key component of remaining a Connected Parent. This is why it’s one of the 5 steps in my new Connecting With Your Teen programme. In a series of online videos you can learn how to maintain this connection so that, together, you can weather the inevitable choppy waters ahead.

If you want to learn the 5 steps to connecting with your teen, just click here .

Be kind to yourself.

Kate?

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